Before the storm

Ahhh... I have had such an incredible long weekend with Ray (You make me so SO HAPPY!!) I never cease to be amazed and grateful for who he is and all that he does. 

My week ended with Ray picking me up from the train station with a chocolate in his hand, rain pouring down (the umbrella not helping in the slightest), ready to snuggle down for the weekend. Time has passed filled with  indulging in hours of much needed sleep (sigh of pleasure), watching movies, writing down a list of books that I want to read when the holidays come around again and somehow attempting to study. 

My mother is away visiting family in Namibia and after less than one day already we were eating ice-cream for dinner (and it hasn't stopped!) We love going shopping with my dad - he ends up buying a million unnecessary, yet very yummy, treats. I can only laugh at the plan we all have come up with - deciding what we will eat on what day. So far it is basically eating out or ordering in food for the next two weeks - half price sushi on this day, then two-for-one burger special on that day, but what about getting fish and chips from the harbour, or takeaways from our favourite Indian restaurant, and how could we have forgotten about pizza? (I think that I may start missing fresh fruit and vegetables after a few days...) 

Nao, our dog, runs down the stairs and waits expectantly, tag wagging and ears up, every time she hears the gate open, thinking that mom is home again - it is really sweet but sad (we miss her too puppy!)

Sunday, the wind blew and an icy rain fell, with the fabric of our temporary church tent billowing about, pulling against its constraints (it has been quite an experience these past weeks!) Holding Ray's hand singing "Hallelujah! All I have is Christ. Hallelujah! Jesus is my life..." brought everything back to its rightful perspective, remembering what brings everlasting joy.  

Ray and I enjoyed Heritage day by going for a walk down passed the beach to the lower Silvermine wetland. The thick clouds along the horizon melted into the ocean, both shades of grey, the cool and crisp breezes causing the petals of the flowers to close. Over the wooden walkways we went, alongside the swollen streams, talking about the future like we always do, working through the fears and uncertainties together, coming out reassured and at peace. There is no greater comfort in life than knowing that God has a plan, it is good and right, and whatever happens is in His hands! He has blessed us so greatly so far that all we can do is humbly trust in Him and give Him thanks. 

Like all good South Africans we had a braai (barbecue) today :) Finishing off the afternoon with ice-cream sundaes and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies as the weather warmed.  

I am thankful for brief moments like these, because looking ahead, counting the days till exams and Ray's graduation (with all the tests and assignments inbetween!) time is flying, and we always wonder how we will get through... yet somehow, we suddenly look back, and realise that we have made it through the storm. I do know, though, that I would never have made it through these last years without my King, my family and my phenomenal fiancé!! 

Tomorrow's worries

"But seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

{Matthew 6:33-34}

Once again, I am so humbled by Ray - his friendship, love, strength and support for me - I would not be able to do this without you. No matter what happens, I know that I have you, that you will always be waiting for me - if it goes well or not. I am so nervous, but your faith in me keeps me going, smiling the tears away. Oh, these busy times! But Fridays seem to be the days where everything has been happening for us - let us hope this will be another good memory to add to our collection. Thank-you for constantly reminding me of the eternally comforting truths of God's Word. Trusting in God, together, relieves my worries and fears. 

Blinded.

There are times when I become so blind to all that I have and find myself fixated only on what I do not have. Yes, I realise that this is self-obsessed, immature thinking, and I do feel deeply ashamed of my grumbling attitude. But when I’m in the centre of this self-pity I can only see myself.

It is hard when I have a million hopes and secret dreams, these little plans that I am working to put into action in the future... and then suddenly I hear of someone else doing the exact same thing – feeling like they have stolen something fragile and precious from me. I pray for patience as I wait and wait and wait... but then I hear someone else complaining one minute but then the next getting exactly what they complained about (what I too have been so desperately waiting for...) It is not easy to celebrate in a friend’s happiness when yours seems so far away. You attempt a smile while blinking back bittersweet tears, congratulate them while feeling only angry at yourself for your betraying feelings. It is difficult when someone seems to get whatever they want, all their dreams can come true with the swipe of a card – money is no object, when I have to struggle to save any penny I get, worried, working so, so hard for my future, having to cut off here and there and everywhere parts of my dream because I will never be able to afford it.

While I truly know that none of this matters and how incredibly childish it is to think like this, it doesn’t always convince my heart otherwise. I know that none of it lasts, it fades away, and most importantly, in the light of eternity it is all insignificant... but ultimately my heart needs to change.

This is where my person comes in: he keeps me calm, he wipes me tears, whispers reassurances, reminds me of the millions of things I have to be thankful for. He shares in these burdens and together we pray and deal with the pressures, the worries, the uncertainties, while he holds my hand as we plan, with God’s guidance, our future. God will provide (He always has!) and He is forever faithful – we must simply (!) trust in Him. Yes, this does sometimes mean letting go of selfish desires, even dreams that seem to be so very important. No, I will not get everything I want, but if I’m honest, I really shouldn’t – it would only lead to a twisted sort of arrogant, self-reliance and an ugly pride. My person keeps my eyes of Jesus, focussed on what has everlasting value, giving me perspective, because I have come to realize that I struggle with coveting – wanting what others have – and I have placed “stuff” (actual rubbish) in the place of God.

Nothing will ever be able to compare to the indescribably greatest gift of all time: God’s Son. By God’s grace my eyes have been opened – it is not about me but all about Him. Remembering that makes all the difference.