Things I love about Raynard

(Just a few... or else you would be here forever!!)

1. His smile :)
2. The way he laughs.
3. How he sings in church, but doesn't pay attention and gets the lyrics wrong.
4. How he plays with the engagement ring on my finger.
5. His crushing hugs.
6. How he loves to read. And all the incredible authors he devours. Challenging and encouraging me. 
7. When he excitedly tells me of all that he is learning about in class and laughs when I get it all wrong. Or attempt to argue with him, just because. 
8. He makes the best chocolate chunk cookies. Actually he is a wonderful baker. (I am a little bit jealous!)
9. How he is "crunchy" reformed. But together we struggle through the questions and hot topics. We are growing!
10. He makes the ordinary, every day, magical.
11. His generosity, honesty and utter faithfulness.
12. He is truly selfless. 
13. The way he teases my sisters, bakes with them, talk to my mom, discusses theology with my dad, walks our dog, and how my family adores him. (Perfect!)
14. How he was the only one that would teach me to drive - and whenever I drive his car he tries so hard to not freak out and just prays like crazy. Still can't believe he gave me a set of my own keys for "our" car!
15. He spoils me with little treats all the time and lets me know that he is constantly thinking of me. He never stops saying "I love you" (and I never get tried of hearing it!)
16. He is open to adventures and is happy to try out new things with me.
17. He makes me breakfast and lunch every single day for varsity, before the sun has risen, and walks me to the train station - for almost two years now!!
18. He is still trying to teach me how to Sokkie.
19. He never complains. And reminds me to be thankful for all the rich blessings and provisions that God has given to us.
20. The way he holds me while we dance around the kitchen.
21. The way he is always calm and keeps my feet on level ground.
22. He loves the beach but hates the sand - like me.
23. He never seems to be afraid. Even when I am terrified. (He also kills spiders and creepy bugs for me without blinking an eye).
24. His perspective - helping me to refocus on what truly matters, what really lasts, what stretches into eternity and to live in that light.
25. His passion for the gospel and mission.
26. His love for apologetics.
27. He gives me the last piece of chocolate, scoop of ice-cream, sip of his hot chocolate. He shares when I am tempted to be greedy and keep it all for myself. 
28. Holding me accountable.
29. He does everything for God's glory.
30. He cooks, he cleans, he gardens, he does laundry, he is able to fix almost anything, it's every girl's dream!
31. The way he can fall asleep just like that. And almost every time we watch a movie.
32. Related: what his hair looks like when he wake up - it's adorable :)
33. His gentle care, knowing what I need when I don't even realize it, always making me feel better.
34. He makes the best toasted cheese sandwiches. And tea!
35. He is slow to get angry and quick to forgive.
36. His love is overwhelming, gracious, undeserved.
37. He loves food just as much as I do :D
38. He has turned me into a coffee addict.
39. How he is trying to convert me to love his favourite sports - cycling, cricket, rugby - but doesn't mind if I just don't get it, or would rather read a book.
40. His talent in taking the most spectacular, insightful photographs that tell a story
41. He put me first, thinks of my best interests constantly, always has a plan, provides for me, makes provision for the future, works so incredibly hard to make it all possible.
42. He makes me feel beautiful, especially when I feel anything but.
43. We dream together. Who could think of anything more amazing than being able to spend the rest of your life with your best friend?!
44. He makes me feel safe.
45. His prayers.
46. Whenever I get angry he just smiles and starts laughing, making me more angry, until I realise how ridiculous I am being and start laughing too :)
47. His sense of humour.
48. His perseverance. He never gives up on me. 
49. His support and strength. 
50. I never realised it would be like this - fully vulnerable before someone, yet fully trusted and accepted by them, loved unconditionally by them, despite your faults. It is wondrous! He has showed me what real love is. Like the love God has shown us in His Son Jesus. 

Happy Anniversary Raynard! Here is to forever.

Longing for Eternity.

"The tension is here,

between who you are

and who you could be,

between how it is

and how it should be."

And how it WILL be.

Truth.

"The truth of God is immortal."

{Calvin}

All you need is a cup of tea

Some days are just longer and harder than others. They begin wonderfully - a calm, cool morning, happy hello's, running into your friends, students smiling around campus (it had to be because of the sunshine!), laughing in Human Physiology at your professors stories, eating M&M's in Genetics and Biochemistry finishing early. But then everything seems to collapse around you at the same time - from a nightmare practical, to blinking back tired tears of frustration, feeling replaced and discarded, wanting nothing more than to just get home and not have to endure train delay after delay, trudging back in the dark with only a tower of work waiting that was meant to be done yesterday.

Just as I was ready to give up I glanced out of the window. It took my breath away. Pearly, pink skies reflecting on the tranquil ocean. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the bigger picture, of who is in control of it all, of who's purposes for me are perfect!

Yes, I cried when I got home (mostly in relief to finally have the day end) but it was cleansing, a release of exhaustion. And of course he held me and spoke such truth with love into all that I had been struggling with. His gentle care, his comforting wisdom, his understanding, his encouragement and support were just what I needed. He brought back perspective. He always reminds me of what is truly important and to keep my gaze on eternity.

A steaming bath, warm pyjama's, tea (of course), and chocolate after this long and hard day have also helped a smidgen :) 

A little piece of our love story

{Our first photograph together}

My ideal day is one spent with my best friend. We don't have to go anywhere or do something special, in fact, I love more than anything just spending all day with him, happily doing nothing! Enjoying his company is more than enough, he make every moment magical, this sort of day is just perfect - living life together.

Today has been wonderful. After early morning dance rehearsal it was time to start lazing around. We gathered up a pile of blankets and an armful of pillows ready to huddle, cuddle and snuggle down for the day. With books in hand we have spent hours relaxing, sipping tea (for me) and coffee (for him) simply content as the rain falls outside - not a gentle pitter-pattering, but wind howling, rain thundering, soil drenching, gutter pouring, door shaking, window rattling rain. Reminded once again how grateful I am for something so taken for granted as a warm home. 

Every now and then we see a glimmer of sunshine, but we dare not venture outside. Over toasted sandwiches we discuss what we are going to make for dinner for the family tonight and then hurry back to the couch to nap, wrapped safe in your arms, my heart overwhelmed (once again!) with awe and thankfulness. 

I am taken back... R and I met little over two years ago and I still can't believe how amazing it has all so blessedly turned out to be (thank-you Lord!) Ah, the memories. I am still astounded at how he so passionately pursued me and persevered (and still does) especially when I kept saying "No" (and of course so girlishly didn't mean it!) So much has changed,  I am amazed at how we have grown and how God has worked so beautifully. It is all too much to put into something as finite as words. 

Being entrusted with someone's heart is the greatest privilege and pleasure, to have the honour of sharing one's love and life is staggering, to grow each day - together - in knowing one another (and truly, vulnerably, intimately, preciously knowing!), understanding what love really is, realizing the grace of God more and more, struggling but holding each other accountable in keeping God at the centre, humbled over and over again, together keeping our minds on the cross, eternity and His will, and challenged in godliness... it is beyond anything I had ever imagined. (Better than anything I could have ever dreamed of!)

I don't know where this post is going... but I just wanted to express how brilliantly happy I am... I don't need anything more. I am overflowing with gratitude to God and all the inexpressibly good gifts He has given. Looking back and looking forward can only bring prayers of praise and thanksgiving to my Heavenly Father. He brought us together, He has kept us together, and He will carry us through. I pray that we will continue to trust in Him alone, to worship Him with all our hearts, to continually be changed by the Gospel and always glorify Him. 

... And I'm off to make some lovely hot chocolate for R and I, to get back to our blankets and books, to spend the next few hours together living our love story :)

Thanks babe, for everything!

True rest.

" The heart of man is restless until it finds its rest in Thee."

{Saint Augustine} 

Sometimes I find myself living in a world of wishful thinking. I am consumed with "What if..." or "If only..." or "When that finally happens..."

It is an existence of longing, of waiting, of searching, of daydreaming, of discontentment (if I am being brutally honest). The reason for this is because I have taken God's place in my life, I am the centre of my universe, motivated by pride and man's praise, of finding pleasure in fleeting material possessions, or empty idolatry. I want to please myself instead of being fully satisfied in the cross of Christ or finding my true fulfilment in God's will for my life.

My story is not actually my story but God's - He wrote it, He is the lead character, I am humbled at the privilege of just being able to step onto the same stage...

Our purpose is life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. I am humbled again and again to ask for God's gracious forgiveness, to turn from self toward God, to prioritize the Kingdom, to be saturated in my living, my breathing, my thinking with the Gospel as a child of God, to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus being freed by the innocent blood He shed for me, to live in the light of eternity! 

Lord, may I find my rest alone in You. 

What is love?

"Love is joyfully self-sacrificing for the eternal good of others and to the glory of God."

How terrifying. How wonderful. Extending beyond a lifetime.  

the moon*

“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” 

{E.E. Cummings}

Tonight we stared up at a full honey moon, large, hanging heavy in the midnight blue sky. Its soft, cold light reflecting on the ink ocean, wavering, almost dipping into its dark waters. A distant beauty, yet for just a moment almost within reach. I stretch out my hand... and feel you right there next to me. Once again I am in awe of you and your unconditional love. You will never leave me nor forsake me. You are constant, your love secure. I do not deserve it.... I fail you (I am sorry) and yet you love me still, for that I am eternally (indescribably) humbled. You are my treasure, you are precious to me, your worth is beyond measure and I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to show just how much you mean to me... I love you. Thank-you will never be enough.

Blinded.

There are times when I become so blind to all that I have and find myself fixated only on what I do not have. Yes, I realise that this is self-obsessed, immature thinking, and I do feel deeply ashamed of my grumbling attitude. But when I’m in the centre of this self-pity I can only see myself.

It is hard when I have a million hopes and secret dreams, these little plans that I am working to put into action in the future... and then suddenly I hear of someone else doing the exact same thing – feeling like they have stolen something fragile and precious from me. I pray for patience as I wait and wait and wait... but then I hear someone else complaining one minute but then the next getting exactly what they complained about (what I too have been so desperately waiting for...) It is not easy to celebrate in a friend’s happiness when yours seems so far away. You attempt a smile while blinking back bittersweet tears, congratulate them while feeling only angry at yourself for your betraying feelings. It is difficult when someone seems to get whatever they want, all their dreams can come true with the swipe of a card – money is no object, when I have to struggle to save any penny I get, worried, working so, so hard for my future, having to cut off here and there and everywhere parts of my dream because I will never be able to afford it.

While I truly know that none of this matters and how incredibly childish it is to think like this, it doesn’t always convince my heart otherwise. I know that none of it lasts, it fades away, and most importantly, in the light of eternity it is all insignificant... but ultimately my heart needs to change.

This is where my person comes in: he keeps me calm, he wipes me tears, whispers reassurances, reminds me of the millions of things I have to be thankful for. He shares in these burdens and together we pray and deal with the pressures, the worries, the uncertainties, while he holds my hand as we plan, with God’s guidance, our future. God will provide (He always has!) and He is forever faithful – we must simply (!) trust in Him. Yes, this does sometimes mean letting go of selfish desires, even dreams that seem to be so very important. No, I will not get everything I want, but if I’m honest, I really shouldn’t – it would only lead to a twisted sort of arrogant, self-reliance and an ugly pride. My person keeps my eyes of Jesus, focussed on what has everlasting value, giving me perspective, because I have come to realize that I struggle with coveting – wanting what others have – and I have placed “stuff” (actual rubbish) in the place of God.

Nothing will ever be able to compare to the indescribably greatest gift of all time: God’s Son. By God’s grace my eyes have been opened – it is not about me but all about Him. Remembering that makes all the difference. 

Forever thankful

(Last night at Bible study: my praise prayer point)

Raynard. Especially. For too many reasons to count. 

He is not afraid to rebuke me, to tell me that I am being immature and selfish. He hold me accountable. He humbles me. He makes me take my eyes off of myself and focus them back onto Jesus. Perspective. He helps me when I get so caught up in my work, showing me that I'm wrong, that it's not all about me, me, me. He will force me to go to Bible study when I don't feel like it because he understands, he truly knows what I need, what is best for me, and I will forever be thankful for that.

He has been so loving, so selfless, so sacrificial, so supportive, so tender, so kind, so strong, so patient, so gracious, but firm when I need to hear what I don't want to hear it, these past (almost unbearably difficult) weeks. With him by my side I am growing (and growing up), encouraged, reminded constantly, to glorify God every moment, to proclaim the Gospel, to be praying for us and our friends and to live in the light of eternity - what all of life is really about!

Thank-you Ray, really, really, REALLY (words are not enough, and never will be, so I will  just never stop saying "THANK-YOU!") I love you. 

X

a moment's reflection

You are the hole in my head 

You are the space in my bed 

You are the silence in between 

What I thought and what I said 

You are the night-time fear 

You are the morning when it's clear... 

You're my head 

You're my heart

 {Florence + The Machine}

I often find myself reflecting on how blessed I am. Truly blessed. Often one gets so caught up in life, the everyday rushings, the swirling of time around us. It does not stop, it waits for no one. And we run and we run to just try and keep up. That is when we must stop, when we must wait, for just a moment, and reflect. The now is not what is really important, it is the future, the eternal future. Perspective.

Looking up from underneath 

Fractured moonlight light on the sea, 

Reflections still look the same to me, 

As before I went under 

And it's peaceful in the deep, 

Cause either way you cannot breathe, 

No need to pray, no need to say 

Now I am under 

And it's breaking over me, 

A thousand miles down to the sea bed, 

I found the place to rest my head. 

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, 

And all this devotion was rushing over me, 

And the question of heaven, 

for a sinner like me, 

But the arms of the ocean deliver me. 

Never let me go, never let me go...

{Florence + The Machine} 

I am incredibly grateful to have the people that I have surrounding me, supporting me, loving me. I do not want to take them for granted, I want to appreciate them, treasure them, cherish them - like they do for me. It is difficult not to become overwhelmed with it all - especially with the insanity of varsity having started up again - and to forget how blessed I really am. Now, in this very moment, and even better, in my eternal future.

it has come to an end

Space and time. Stretching out before her. Endless. Suffocating darkness. Running and running and running... screaming pain, searing exhaustion, stumbling forward, a drunken dance. Shadows loom ahead of her, but she runs and runs and runs... the gasping, the struggling, the fear, the tears. Her outstretched arms grasp at the immaterial, her hands claw at the fleeting. It is slipping away.

She runs and runs and runs and...

Time has run out.

dark shadows and weariness.

Week after exhausting week. Dark shadows cast beneath weary eyes. The constant struggle to stay awake, let alone throw body and soul into numbing work. Tired. So very tired.... But. This is an eternal promise. An indestructible hope. An unfathomable comfort. An unshakable strength. 

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

 {Isaiah 40:28-31}

Goodnight.