Ray's Graduation!

I am so incredibly proud of Ray - for all his hard work, his brilliant results, his growth, maturity and godliness - for his graduation this evening!! (Can you believe you are actually done love??)  

Growing up at BISA (the Bible Institute of South Africa) I have been to many graduation ceremonies, but tonight's was by far my favourite. Especially seeing all my old (and awesome!) classmates receive their well deserved degrees. They are not simply a group of students, but a family, with friendships built that will last into the next lifetime - and that is the beauty of the Gospel. 

It was wonderful having Ray's parents drive hundreds of miles to come and see him up on that stage, their joyful smiles reflecting their bursting hearts.

Something I love about BISA is the Christian Leadership Programme. It is when lecturers go into the communities of the Western Cape to teach, train and equip men and women, young and old, Biblical truths - from understanding the Bible and interpreting it in its correct context, to foundational doctrine, to practical preaching or missional skills in their cultural setting, to church history... They are pastors, Sunday school teachers, elders, youth leaders, ordinary people with a passion for learning, wanting to deepen their knowledge and love of God, to make a difference in the lives of those around them - which they do! Many of them never finished school and live in areas of extreme poverty, gangsterism, violence, rife with HIV/AIDS, unemployments... but it was so encouraging to hear their life changing testimonies in the difficult circumstances through which they minister and persevere. Over and over again it was the story of God's grace, His provision, the cross of Christ always at the centre and utter thankfulness at this great opportunity to learn. (It humbled me to see how they treasured the privilege of sitting under the teaching of God's Word and how I so often take it for granted...)

Dr. David Seccombe spoke, reminding us all of the power of the truth of the Gospel, how God's Kingdom is unstoppable, uncontainable, how one day every single knee will bow, whether willingly or unwillingly, and declare that Jesus Christ is Lord! All glory to God!! 

After awards were handed out, the celebrations began - the rushing about to give hugs, to snap pictures, and (of course) to eat some cake! 

Congratulations class of 2012!!

Happiness ahead

Summer vacation. Months of Summer vacation have arrived!! 

I wrote my last wearying exam today and have already packed stacks of notes, books, files and textbooks away in my cupboard, not to be seen until next year (YES!!) The 3am mornings, many, many nights in a row, while quietly studying, I would glance up and gaze at the proteas Ray gave me, and smile, knowing that soon we would be on vacation together, filled with beach days, lazy Sunday afternoon naps, sunshine picnics, eating melting ice-cream, having not a care in the world... 

I cannot even begin to express my thanks... for all those who have walked beside me this year. For Ray, sunrise to sunset and beyond, holding me when I was too tired to hold myself up, praying when I had no words left to say, wiping my tears when I had almost given into despair, making me laugh when I didn't think I could. The constant, secure, all-encompassing, unconditional love of a best friend truly works a miracle each and every single day. Love you babe, would have never made it without you. 

And my family. Oh my wonderful family! Last night my dad said, "So apparently you're having a bit of a brain malfunction?" (They had obviously heard of my ritual pre-exam meltdown) But this afternoon, when I had returned, he said, "Looks like we have some sunshine in the house again!" (HEY!!) 

But most importantly, my Heavenly Father. When I look back on this year, all the beautiful happenings, more than I could have ever dreamed possible, life just getting better and better each moment, in the midst of challenges, stretching us, breaking us, growing us... He has sustained and He has blessed. He is so incredibly good. 

Varsity may be over for the year, but the busyness does not stop! At the moment Ray is writing his final FINAL exams (he graduates in just days!!), his family will be coming down to Cape Town (YAY!), there are end-of-year events to attend, Christmas socials, my best friend's wedding (CANNOT WAAAAIT!!) and my very own WEDDING PLANNING to do!! Exciting things are happening everyone, very exciting things :)

For the first time in months I have raided my mom's library bag and am reading a novel in bed. I am crying I am so happy. Oh sweet, exhausting relief. 

Goodnight :)

Flower picking

Do I really live in such a beautiful place? Yes! When my dad was offered the position of teaching at the Bible Institute of South Africa he always says, "They said there was no pay, but I said, 'There is a view of the ocean - we'll take it!'" And on stunning, sunny days like these, it is only the greatest pleasure living in Kalk-Bay :)

After dancing, Ray and I went walking along the mountainside with the dog, admiring the natural beauty quietly surrounding us. I laughed as I watched Ray throw sticks for Nao to chase after, disappearing into the tall, swaying grasses, my clothes getting caught on thorned berry bushes, their grey-green velvety leaves brushing against my legs, red-tipped succulents and aloes underfoot. 

The Spring flowers are in full bloom and I was desperate to capture but a glimmer of their bright, brilliantly coloured petals and vibrant promises of Summer, but I had no camera! I started by picking a single flower, one that I could not resist to enjoy, and before I knew it I had handfuls of flowers!! 

Standing on the top of the mountain, overlooking the bay, wrapped in Rays arms, I could only feel happiness. But soon I was stumbling over rocks, trailing behind Ray and Nao, searching for precious fynbos to add to my collection, suddenly aware of the magnificence of God's glorious creation, how each and every flower is so intricately designed, some so tiny, yet rich in detailed colour, unique in textures, sweetening the air with their own fragrances, the bees buzzing about... 

After I arranged my treasures into vases, bringing joy to the kitchen table, Ray and I sat outside, him with his coffee and me with my tea, having a late (well actually second) breakfast. Oh how I love these lazy moments! 

I hope that you all too have a lovely day and notice the beauty of all the little things around you, remembering the One who made them all.

The end is in sight

Days of exams, sipping hot chocolate, sitting in the quiet Botany library, watching the grey clouds clear over the mountain and rays of sunshine filter through the glass, walking underneath the budding green leaves of the overhanging branches along student avenue,  getting lost in my own thoughts, jamming to local artists, humming their songs as I wait for the shuttle, running into friends, offering quick words of encouragement, feeling so much love towards my incredible classmates who make me laugh and smile and suffer beside me as we strive towards our final few days, raging after Genetics tests, sitting in the front row for Biochemistry, eating birthday cupcakes, sprinkles everywhere, getting to know one another more deeply, getting invited out to lunch, for milkshakes, to go dancing, making me like I somehow belong, just a little bit... almost being blow over by the howling winds, getting caught in drenching rain as I trudge across campus, only to have it stop as soon as I am sheltered at the bus stop, running after trains and just making them, or just missing them, but always running for them nevertheless, standing in awe of an ocean in chaos, rumbling and rolling, towering waves crashing over the Kalk-Bay harbour wall, the fishing boats surging with the swells... having Ray pick me up at the station so that I don't have to walk home in the rain, chocolate in his hand, ready with a hug as I throw myself at him, cold and exhausted, getting into my warm pyjamas, cuddling on the couch, quality time, just talking, wonderfully dreaming, making plans for the future, and praying when it is all we can do, humbled by the infinite grace, generousity and goodness of God, His perfect provision, how He is in control of each and every situation, how He has so abundantly and undeservedly blessed us, all we can do is say thank-you and give our lives to Him for His glory... still getting distracted by my sparkling ring, how the light reflects inside the diamond, shining like my smile when I think on the one who gave it to me, how he has changed me, helped me to grow, been a million times more than I ever knew I wanted or thought I could ever have, shattering and putting to shame any feeble fantasy and weak expectation that I once believed to be impossibly high, being so much greater in every way, beyond grateful for the very person he is, all that he does, how deep his love is for me, his support, his strength, his wisdom, and knowing that I would not be standing here without him (I cannot explain it all, words simply fail me, but I having the honour of spending my life with my indescribably amazing best friend still seems surreal to my glowing heart, forever his)... disbelief at having finished lectures for my second year at university, celebrating with red velvet cupcakes, sneaking ice-cream late at night while studying, taking a lovely, long nap at the end of the week, being asked constantly about our wedding planning, having to pack away engagement gifts, being spoiled by kind friends, giving ideas around the family dinner table, excited for the holidays to begin, for family to come down and for everyone to get involved, for Ray's graduation, my best friend's wedding, and everything happening inbetween... at the moment life is stressful, but it is full of joy too, because the end is in sight and good times are ahead...

Things I love about Raynard

(Just a few... or else you would be here forever!!)

1. His smile :)
2. The way he laughs.
3. How he sings in church, but doesn't pay attention and gets the lyrics wrong.
4. How he plays with the engagement ring on my finger.
5. His crushing hugs.
6. How he loves to read. And all the incredible authors he devours. Challenging and encouraging me. 
7. When he excitedly tells me of all that he is learning about in class and laughs when I get it all wrong. Or attempt to argue with him, just because. 
8. He makes the best chocolate chunk cookies. Actually he is a wonderful baker. (I am a little bit jealous!)
9. How he is "crunchy" reformed. But together we struggle through the questions and hot topics. We are growing!
10. He makes the ordinary, every day, magical.
11. His generosity, honesty and utter faithfulness.
12. He is truly selfless. 
13. The way he teases my sisters, bakes with them, talk to my mom, discusses theology with my dad, walks our dog, and how my family adores him. (Perfect!)
14. How he was the only one that would teach me to drive - and whenever I drive his car he tries so hard to not freak out and just prays like crazy. Still can't believe he gave me a set of my own keys for "our" car!
15. He spoils me with little treats all the time and lets me know that he is constantly thinking of me. He never stops saying "I love you" (and I never get tried of hearing it!)
16. He is open to adventures and is happy to try out new things with me.
17. He makes me breakfast and lunch every single day for varsity, before the sun has risen, and walks me to the train station - for almost two years now!!
18. He is still trying to teach me how to Sokkie.
19. He never complains. And reminds me to be thankful for all the rich blessings and provisions that God has given to us.
20. The way he holds me while we dance around the kitchen.
21. The way he is always calm and keeps my feet on level ground.
22. He loves the beach but hates the sand - like me.
23. He never seems to be afraid. Even when I am terrified. (He also kills spiders and creepy bugs for me without blinking an eye).
24. His perspective - helping me to refocus on what truly matters, what really lasts, what stretches into eternity and to live in that light.
25. His passion for the gospel and mission.
26. His love for apologetics.
27. He gives me the last piece of chocolate, scoop of ice-cream, sip of his hot chocolate. He shares when I am tempted to be greedy and keep it all for myself. 
28. Holding me accountable.
29. He does everything for God's glory.
30. He cooks, he cleans, he gardens, he does laundry, he is able to fix almost anything, it's every girl's dream!
31. The way he can fall asleep just like that. And almost every time we watch a movie.
32. Related: what his hair looks like when he wake up - it's adorable :)
33. His gentle care, knowing what I need when I don't even realize it, always making me feel better.
34. He makes the best toasted cheese sandwiches. And tea!
35. He is slow to get angry and quick to forgive.
36. His love is overwhelming, gracious, undeserved.
37. He loves food just as much as I do :D
38. He has turned me into a coffee addict.
39. How he is trying to convert me to love his favourite sports - cycling, cricket, rugby - but doesn't mind if I just don't get it, or would rather read a book.
40. His talent in taking the most spectacular, insightful photographs that tell a story
41. He put me first, thinks of my best interests constantly, always has a plan, provides for me, makes provision for the future, works so incredibly hard to make it all possible.
42. He makes me feel beautiful, especially when I feel anything but.
43. We dream together. Who could think of anything more amazing than being able to spend the rest of your life with your best friend?!
44. He makes me feel safe.
45. His prayers.
46. Whenever I get angry he just smiles and starts laughing, making me more angry, until I realise how ridiculous I am being and start laughing too :)
47. His sense of humour.
48. His perseverance. He never gives up on me. 
49. His support and strength. 
50. I never realised it would be like this - fully vulnerable before someone, yet fully trusted and accepted by them, loved unconditionally by them, despite your faults. It is wondrous! He has showed me what real love is. Like the love God has shown us in His Son Jesus. 

Happy Anniversary Raynard! Here is to forever.

Before the storm

Ahhh... I have had such an incredible long weekend with Ray (You make me so SO HAPPY!!) I never cease to be amazed and grateful for who he is and all that he does. 

My week ended with Ray picking me up from the train station with a chocolate in his hand, rain pouring down (the umbrella not helping in the slightest), ready to snuggle down for the weekend. Time has passed filled with  indulging in hours of much needed sleep (sigh of pleasure), watching movies, writing down a list of books that I want to read when the holidays come around again and somehow attempting to study. 

My mother is away visiting family in Namibia and after less than one day already we were eating ice-cream for dinner (and it hasn't stopped!) We love going shopping with my dad - he ends up buying a million unnecessary, yet very yummy, treats. I can only laugh at the plan we all have come up with - deciding what we will eat on what day. So far it is basically eating out or ordering in food for the next two weeks - half price sushi on this day, then two-for-one burger special on that day, but what about getting fish and chips from the harbour, or takeaways from our favourite Indian restaurant, and how could we have forgotten about pizza? (I think that I may start missing fresh fruit and vegetables after a few days...) 

Nao, our dog, runs down the stairs and waits expectantly, tag wagging and ears up, every time she hears the gate open, thinking that mom is home again - it is really sweet but sad (we miss her too puppy!)

Sunday, the wind blew and an icy rain fell, with the fabric of our temporary church tent billowing about, pulling against its constraints (it has been quite an experience these past weeks!) Holding Ray's hand singing "Hallelujah! All I have is Christ. Hallelujah! Jesus is my life..." brought everything back to its rightful perspective, remembering what brings everlasting joy.  

Ray and I enjoyed Heritage day by going for a walk down passed the beach to the lower Silvermine wetland. The thick clouds along the horizon melted into the ocean, both shades of grey, the cool and crisp breezes causing the petals of the flowers to close. Over the wooden walkways we went, alongside the swollen streams, talking about the future like we always do, working through the fears and uncertainties together, coming out reassured and at peace. There is no greater comfort in life than knowing that God has a plan, it is good and right, and whatever happens is in His hands! He has blessed us so greatly so far that all we can do is humbly trust in Him and give Him thanks. 

Like all good South Africans we had a braai (barbecue) today :) Finishing off the afternoon with ice-cream sundaes and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies as the weather warmed.  

I am thankful for brief moments like these, because looking ahead, counting the days till exams and Ray's graduation (with all the tests and assignments inbetween!) time is flying, and we always wonder how we will get through... yet somehow, we suddenly look back, and realise that we have made it through the storm. I do know, though, that I would never have made it through these last years without my King, my family and my phenomenal fiancé!! 

The sun will rise

"A sight of God's glory humbles. The stars vanish when the sun appears."

{Watson}

These long days have been characterized by excitement and exhaustion. Tomorrow the rain shall pour but remembering these glorious sunrises from earlier this week will keep me smiling. 

Driving Miss Danica

There are two types of people: those who get their driver's license the minute they are eighteen, and then there are those who, well, don't... they sort of just wait until the very last dreaded moment. I am definitely the second type! I have had no desire to drive, for that freedom and independence... 

Well anyway, today that dreaded minute came, with all the stress, shivering with nerves and knots tying and twisting in my stomach. And while I am slightly embarrassed to be a twenty-one year old who doesn't have a driver's license, I knew it was just something that I had to do! My greatest comfort was knowing that whatever happened, God had a plan and was in perfect control :)

You may be wondering why I hadn't it gotten in yet? I turned eighteen late in my last year of school, had preliminary and final exams, travelled overseas for several months and have been busy busy busy with varsity. 

Driving is also difficult eh! In South Africa all the rules and countless, unnecessary observations are enough to cause you to have an accident! It is not uncommon to hear of someone only passing on the third, fifth, eighth time... So yes I was feeling slightly terrified!

When I made it out of the parking lot, legs shaking on the clutch, without hitting any poles, and over the hill start, revving loudly, I was starting to feel more confident. The test wasn't going too badly - even though I had just witness the girl before me fail. The road test went well too, or so I thought, not hitting any pedestrians, mounting the kerbs or smashing into cars while running through red lights... 

You find out whether you passed or failed once they add up your offences and their scores. While sitting in the traffic office, seeing all those crosses and numbers, I was sure I had failed and the tears started to fall. The examiner said, "You have to come back." I was shattered. So disappointed. All the time, the practising, the money spent, the worries... only to have to do it all over again. And yes, I cried some more. He slipped my test sheet over and tapped it... I didn't understand: it said "PASS!" He meant that I have to come back in a few weeks to pick up my license!! 

Sweet RELIEF!! So very happy, so incredibly thankful - for Ray's constant patience, support and for teaching me to drive when no one else would (laughs), the encouragement from friends and prayers from my family!! 

What was really special, once all the sniffing stopped and smiling started, my examiner and I chatted while he did the administration - it was awesome finding out that his Lord is Jesus too!! It is astounding to see how God provided an honest, fair, yet kind hearted man to test me...

While I have driven his car before, Ray has officially given me a key of my own - UHOH!! I don't think I will driving around any time soon (I know it takes time to become a good driver!!) but in the future you will be hearing of all the roadtrip adventures we will be taking :)

Tomorrow's worries

"But seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

{Matthew 6:33-34}

Once again, I am so humbled by Ray - his friendship, love, strength and support for me - I would not be able to do this without you. No matter what happens, I know that I have you, that you will always be waiting for me - if it goes well or not. I am so nervous, but your faith in me keeps me going, smiling the tears away. Oh, these busy times! But Fridays seem to be the days where everything has been happening for us - let us hope this will be another good memory to add to our collection. Thank-you for constantly reminding me of the eternally comforting truths of God's Word. Trusting in God, together, relieves my worries and fears. 

These sunshine days

This sunny week has been one of...

Rest - taking lazy Sunday afternoon naps, sleeping late and waking up to risen sun's rays streaming through my curtains.

Family - a birthday tradition is that us "children" request our favourite meal and our mom will make it for us (and every year I ask for the same thing: Lasange!) We laughed around the table, everyone talking at once, sipped something sparkling and stuffed ourselves with black forest sponge cake with cream and cherries, ice-cream and homemade chocolate sauce, Ray and I sharing bowl, with me sneaking in extra spoonfuls.

Blue skies :)

Sunrises and cool sea breezes - while waiting at the Kalk-Bay harbour train station. 

Wedding dress shopping with my best friend - love, listening to the stories shared, eyes misting with tears at her glowing beauty, the excitement, joy and memories made. There were Ooooh's and Ahhhh's and feet dreamily floating above the ground, trailing silk, organza, chiffon, satin, lace, beads and ribbons. White hot chocolate, toffee coffee and chocolate cookie milkshakes with chocolate marshmallow, coffee and walnut cake ended off our romantic adventure.

No dancing - after a show we always take a break. 

Walks in the sunshine - Ray taking me back to the "our place" where he proposed. Every day, over the wooden walkways, enjoying the rush of the water and the brightly coloured flowers (they are in full bloom!), so peaceful and refreshing. The ocean behind us and the mountain before us, in awe of God's creation. For us it is a time to escape from work and just talk and talk and talk some more. We love it!

Tea and chatting with friends over sweet treats at Tribeca in Kalk-Bay - dreaming of the future.

Holding your hand and singing next to you in church - happy. 

Breakfasts with my fiance - from french toast to eggs on toast with fried tomatoes, our favourite meal of the day :)

Work and pounding headaches at one in the morning - there has been no working ahead but rather only catching up on all that I let slip the last few weeks of the term with all the wonderful things that happened. I always say, "The more I do today the less I have to do tomorrow..." although it never seems to work out that way! My rule is I have to finish what I planned to do, or have to accomplish for that day - which leads to very late nights/very early mornings. I am extremely nervous for the upcoming semester, with exams just weeks away, but trusting in God.

Reading old fashion magazines while taking a steaming hot bath using all my birthday treats of delicious smelling salts and scrubs. 

AHHH!! - My beautiful engagement ring!!! (Yes, I still get these moments of awestruck disbelief).

Smiles - at being able to spend every day this week at home, seeing Ray between his classes, quick cups of coffee, sitting outside listening to the birds sing, prayers before bed, studying side by side.

Falling more deeply in love. 

Stolen moments of pure procrastination - something as simple as watching a movie with Ray (we never have the time!) while eating yummy gummies and chocolate, snuggled in blankets on the couch, pure bliss :) 

Day dreaming - while I should really be studying. (Hasn't been much of a "vacation").

Thankfulness and amazement at God's goodness - still overwhelmed at the love and support of family and friends, for their wishes and heartfelt messages, for God in sustaining us through these hectic times, carrying us through to the end... In Ray's kindness, generosity, faithfulness and sacrifice leaving me speechless day after day... He is amazing, always putting me first, in making plans for the future, preparing us for what comes after the wedding, making provision, being a godly and mature man, looking after us, making me feel safe and secure... I can only thank God for His grace and blessing in giving me Ray. 

Reading through my new children's Bible - loving it! (I would like to start collecting good children Bibles - one can never grow tired of reading the incredible and true stories of the Bible, learn solid doctrine, understand how each story points to the coming Saviour Jesus, how the world needs to be saved and how God has had a loving plan and promise from the very beginning!)

Perspective.

Well I'm off to enjoy my final days of mid-semester vacation, appreciating Ray and squeezing some sleep, between studying, in! Happy weekend :)

I am what I am

"I am not what I ought to be, 

I am not what I want to be, 

I am not what I hope to be in another world; 

but still I am not what I once used to be, 

and by the grace of God I am what I am."

{John Newton} 

The Proposal!

Today is beautiful and I will cherish it forever!! Here is the proposal and the much awaited details! I will say though, that letting everyone know that you are engaged is a wonderful, never ending, rush - I am hugging friends and talking on the phone to family members, while I am trying to email pictures, tweet about it and skype at the same time! It's an excited blur...

Today began like any other day. When I arrived home from varsity Ray asked me if I would like to go for a walk, like we have done countless times before. The sun was shining high in the sky and a cool breeze was blowing off the ocean. We headed to Silvermine where we had first gone together two years ago, to our favourite place, where it all began :) Walking hand-in-hand, over the wooden walkways, loving how the flowers were beginning to bloom, listening to the rushing waters, talking about nothing in particular. I bent down to dip my fingers into the stream and as I turned around Ray took a black velvet box out of his pocket and got down on one knee. I gasped! (AHHH!!!)

He smiled. I smiled, while wiping tears away, and listened to his heart - words, for me alone to hear, that I will always remember and never let go! When he asked me to marry him I SAID YES!!! (Of course!!) I did not want to leave the embrace of his arms. Sharing this life with my best friend is simply the greatest joy and privilege. I am so thankful, so blessed, so loved that words are just not enough. THANK-YOU LORD! It is God's grace that brought us together, has kept us together, and will keep us together. When Ray prayed tears of overwhelmed, certain happiness flowed. Christ at the centre at the beginning, Christ at the centre through it all, until the end. 

It was just so "us". 

Next came the celebrations of first showing our parents, screaming sisters, hugs and hugs and more hugs, phoning grandparents, a million messages sent, taking and uploading photos, changing statuses (YES!), running around to tell every one in sight, jumping up and down, squealing, laughing, more crying, dancing, lots of uncontrollable gushing and finally having a moment to sit down with Ray, eat chocolate and blog, hands shaking, about it :) My face really hurts so much from smiling so much :D 

In anticipation of your questions: Yes, he asked my dad weeks ago. Yes, I knew it was going to happen and thought perhaps (just maybe) it would be today! We have known for a longggg time that we were going to get married. We had looked at rings and I had tried some on for size a while ago. We had given our design to a jeweller friend of ours a month ago. I wasn't allowed to ask any questions - but each morning, as I came down the stairs to Ray waiting below, I would teasingly ask "Today?" and he would just laugh and kiss me. But when we left for the walk, I noticed that Ray couldn't stop smiling, was acting slightly strange and his hand seemed to be drifting over to his pocket... But I thought to myself, "It's just your imagination, dad is away and it's only my birthday next week... he probably doesn't even have the ring yet..?" Ray had promised to propose before his graduation at the end of the year - so I had been preparing to wait for a little while longer (only a little while though!) Right now I am sort of in a state of ecstatic disbelief, yet calm and sure of it all. I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER!!! (Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to explode)

Our families and friends have been amazing - their excitement, encouragement, love, support, wisdom and prayers. We can't wait to have you all involved in planning the wedding with us :) We are eternally grateful - thank-you! We cannot express how much all of your congratulations have meant to us! 

Now I cannot stop staring at my stunning, sparkling diamond and gazing at my handsome, godly, INCREDIBLE fiancé :) I am speechless at how beautiful my ring is and the feel of it (finally!) on my finger is just indescribable!!

Our plans for the future: We will, Lord willing, be getting married at the end of next year when I graduate. Until then I will keep you all posted with our wedding ideas, photographs and all the great stories we will have to share :)

Dreams, and MORE, have come true! I love you Raynard. 

Life's greatest adventure

"To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek Him, the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest achievement.” 

{St. Augustine}

A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.