Driving Miss Danica

There are two types of people: those who get their driver's license the minute they are eighteen, and then there are those who, well, don't... they sort of just wait until the very last dreaded moment. I am definitely the second type! I have had no desire to drive, for that freedom and independence... 

Well anyway, today that dreaded minute came, with all the stress, shivering with nerves and knots tying and twisting in my stomach. And while I am slightly embarrassed to be a twenty-one year old who doesn't have a driver's license, I knew it was just something that I had to do! My greatest comfort was knowing that whatever happened, God had a plan and was in perfect control :)

You may be wondering why I hadn't it gotten in yet? I turned eighteen late in my last year of school, had preliminary and final exams, travelled overseas for several months and have been busy busy busy with varsity. 

Driving is also difficult eh! In South Africa all the rules and countless, unnecessary observations are enough to cause you to have an accident! It is not uncommon to hear of someone only passing on the third, fifth, eighth time... So yes I was feeling slightly terrified!

When I made it out of the parking lot, legs shaking on the clutch, without hitting any poles, and over the hill start, revving loudly, I was starting to feel more confident. The test wasn't going too badly - even though I had just witness the girl before me fail. The road test went well too, or so I thought, not hitting any pedestrians, mounting the kerbs or smashing into cars while running through red lights... 

You find out whether you passed or failed once they add up your offences and their scores. While sitting in the traffic office, seeing all those crosses and numbers, I was sure I had failed and the tears started to fall. The examiner said, "You have to come back." I was shattered. So disappointed. All the time, the practising, the money spent, the worries... only to have to do it all over again. And yes, I cried some more. He slipped my test sheet over and tapped it... I didn't understand: it said "PASS!" He meant that I have to come back in a few weeks to pick up my license!! 

Sweet RELIEF!! So very happy, so incredibly thankful - for Ray's constant patience, support and for teaching me to drive when no one else would (laughs), the encouragement from friends and prayers from my family!! 

What was really special, once all the sniffing stopped and smiling started, my examiner and I chatted while he did the administration - it was awesome finding out that his Lord is Jesus too!! It is astounding to see how God provided an honest, fair, yet kind hearted man to test me...

While I have driven his car before, Ray has officially given me a key of my own - UHOH!! I don't think I will driving around any time soon (I know it takes time to become a good driver!!) but in the future you will be hearing of all the roadtrip adventures we will be taking :)

What happened next...

I cannot believe that a week ago my best friend asked my to marry him!! (Heart bursts and joy overflows!!) Some moments it all just seems so normal and ordinary - we had known, talked about it and planned for it for so long, that while it was breathtakingly wonderful, it wasn't unexpected. But then there are moments when I am struck with awe and amazement. At his love, at our God, at my beautiful ring!! I am still in shock - you believe that it is surely coming, but when it actually happens... indescribable!! I cannot stop smiling :) (Just letting you know that Ray received the ring in the morning and by that afternoon it was on my finger - he is phenomenal!!) We are also having the most fun calling each other fiancé and fiancée (giggles like a girl in love).

The days leading up to the proposal, Ray proposing was honestly all I could think about. I had butterflies fluttering in my stomach all the time (and still do!!) It was incredible to hear from two of my best friends that literally minutes before I had told them of our engagement they had been guessing possible dates of when he would pop the question :) 

The morning after, when I awoke and realised that I was engaged, sheer happiness spread throughout me. A sense of disbelief and wonder consumed me. I suddenly seemed to remember the ring on my finger and the one who gave it to me. Reality was infinitely better than any fantasy. So thankful, so full of love, so overwhelmed. Words are just not enough. 

I love how my diamond glitters and sparkles. It captures the light and out from it shines tiny rainbows. I have started greeting friends by sticking my hand out, forcing them to admire my engagement ring (laughs). My church, varsity and dancing friends have been awesome. Their ecstasy and excitement for Ray and I is thrilling, encouraging and humbling. We know that we are truly blessed to have them in our lives (blinks back tears). Thank-you for celebrating with us!! We have received cards, chocolate, hugs, a million messages (which we must still reply too!!), advice and are booked out for coffee dates to share the story again and again :) Thank-you for the wishes, for telling us to enjoy this special time, sharing your memories of these moments, for supporting us, (for crying from happiness when you heard - you know who you are!) and for asking question after question about the wedding next year - we cannot wait either!

Our families have been just incredible!! Skyping his parents, skyping my sister in South Korea (where she and my mom have already decided that she is in charge of planning the wedding!), finally being able to showoff my ring to my dad when he returned, discussing details, dreams and ideas around the dinner table, the prayers said... it all warms our hearts. When my little sister found out last week (besides screaming and jumping up and down) the first thing she asked was what she was wearing, how her hair was going to be done, will be have red velvet cake and can she bring a friend... sisters are just precious :)  

 Our Sea Gypsy friend - who phoned, blogged about our engagement and came to visit us - brought delicious brownies and fudge from the Hope Street Market in town and my favourite macaroons from Cassis (wow!!) to celebrate. She came rushing through the gate with a stream of brightly coloured helium balloons flying behind her. Thank-you!! We cannot express how much we have appreciated you and your friendship. We are so excited to start all the wedding "stuff" searching and adventures this summer :) 

Sunday morning was the first moment where Ray and I could finally catch our breaths. We had a quiet breakfast of freshly baked breads and berry farm jam from Olympia cafe just down the road. 

I love this time of the year, when winter is slowly slipping to a close and there is a whisper of warmth just around the corner. Even the icy rain cannot dampen my mood - all I need is a warm scarf wrapped tightly around my neck and cup of coffee to keep me going. The sunrises at UCT have been glorious. I have even seen that the bare tree are beginning to bud. Riding the train home in the afternoon, breathing in the freshness of the ocean, I watch to see how the colour changes to reflect the sky. Some days it is a cold, dark grey, its inky waters storming, but other days it is a brilliant, bright blue, surfers out in the water and a breaching whale, that fills you with hope. 

Tonight was the dress rehearsal for Expressions - yes, we perform this weekend! With rehearsals every evening, the anticipation and nerves have been growing. There is shouting, tears, laughter, disappointments, adrenalin and happiness - at accomplishing something you have worked so hard for. All those hours dedicated, the pain, the rapid beating of your heart, the moment when you wait in the wings just before you step onto the stage, the blinding lights, hitting the movements perfectly, the clicking of the tap shoes, the vibrations of the music, the rustle of the velvet curtains, the red lipstick, glitter and false eyelashes... it is showtime!! 

(My litter sister and some of her fellow dancers just before "Big Jazz")

("Grace Dance Company" - this photograph was printed in the local newspaper today)

These past weeks have just been strange. I have felt so disorientated. I keep forgetting what day it is and what I am supposed to be doing (and it is not just to do with constantly being distracted by my stunning ring - while I'm brushing my teeth, while I'm sipping tea, while I'm trying to study - so basically all the time!!) but that I am utterly exhausted. I have been sick, have had to finish off a stack of tutorials, practical assignments, experiment reports and somehow write tests too. The proposal, the meeting with friends, the long hours of dance rehearsals, the late varsity days, the lack of sleep... Ray and I are both beyond tired. Ray, prayer, gentle caring and lovely friends have helped me to survive. (Also for the fact that my feet are still floating above the ground and that is feels like I'm living in a dream!!) This really has been the most amazing, stressful and challenging time of my life. Thank-you Lord, for everything, we are eternally grateful*

The Proposal!

Today is beautiful and I will cherish it forever!! Here is the proposal and the much awaited details! I will say though, that letting everyone know that you are engaged is a wonderful, never ending, rush - I am hugging friends and talking on the phone to family members, while I am trying to email pictures, tweet about it and skype at the same time! It's an excited blur...

Today began like any other day. When I arrived home from varsity Ray asked me if I would like to go for a walk, like we have done countless times before. The sun was shining high in the sky and a cool breeze was blowing off the ocean. We headed to Silvermine where we had first gone together two years ago, to our favourite place, where it all began :) Walking hand-in-hand, over the wooden walkways, loving how the flowers were beginning to bloom, listening to the rushing waters, talking about nothing in particular. I bent down to dip my fingers into the stream and as I turned around Ray took a black velvet box out of his pocket and got down on one knee. I gasped! (AHHH!!!)

He smiled. I smiled, while wiping tears away, and listened to his heart - words, for me alone to hear, that I will always remember and never let go! When he asked me to marry him I SAID YES!!! (Of course!!) I did not want to leave the embrace of his arms. Sharing this life with my best friend is simply the greatest joy and privilege. I am so thankful, so blessed, so loved that words are just not enough. THANK-YOU LORD! It is God's grace that brought us together, has kept us together, and will keep us together. When Ray prayed tears of overwhelmed, certain happiness flowed. Christ at the centre at the beginning, Christ at the centre through it all, until the end. 

It was just so "us". 

Next came the celebrations of first showing our parents, screaming sisters, hugs and hugs and more hugs, phoning grandparents, a million messages sent, taking and uploading photos, changing statuses (YES!), running around to tell every one in sight, jumping up and down, squealing, laughing, more crying, dancing, lots of uncontrollable gushing and finally having a moment to sit down with Ray, eat chocolate and blog, hands shaking, about it :) My face really hurts so much from smiling so much :D 

In anticipation of your questions: Yes, he asked my dad weeks ago. Yes, I knew it was going to happen and thought perhaps (just maybe) it would be today! We have known for a longggg time that we were going to get married. We had looked at rings and I had tried some on for size a while ago. We had given our design to a jeweller friend of ours a month ago. I wasn't allowed to ask any questions - but each morning, as I came down the stairs to Ray waiting below, I would teasingly ask "Today?" and he would just laugh and kiss me. But when we left for the walk, I noticed that Ray couldn't stop smiling, was acting slightly strange and his hand seemed to be drifting over to his pocket... But I thought to myself, "It's just your imagination, dad is away and it's only my birthday next week... he probably doesn't even have the ring yet..?" Ray had promised to propose before his graduation at the end of the year - so I had been preparing to wait for a little while longer (only a little while though!) Right now I am sort of in a state of ecstatic disbelief, yet calm and sure of it all. I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER!!! (Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to explode)

Our families and friends have been amazing - their excitement, encouragement, love, support, wisdom and prayers. We can't wait to have you all involved in planning the wedding with us :) We are eternally grateful - thank-you! We cannot express how much all of your congratulations have meant to us! 

Now I cannot stop staring at my stunning, sparkling diamond and gazing at my handsome, godly, INCREDIBLE fiancé :) I am speechless at how beautiful my ring is and the feel of it (finally!) on my finger is just indescribable!!

Our plans for the future: We will, Lord willing, be getting married at the end of next year when I graduate. Until then I will keep you all posted with our wedding ideas, photographs and all the great stories we will have to share :)

Dreams, and MORE, have come true! I love you Raynard. 

Blinded.

There are times when I become so blind to all that I have and find myself fixated only on what I do not have. Yes, I realise that this is self-obsessed, immature thinking, and I do feel deeply ashamed of my grumbling attitude. But when I’m in the centre of this self-pity I can only see myself.

It is hard when I have a million hopes and secret dreams, these little plans that I am working to put into action in the future... and then suddenly I hear of someone else doing the exact same thing – feeling like they have stolen something fragile and precious from me. I pray for patience as I wait and wait and wait... but then I hear someone else complaining one minute but then the next getting exactly what they complained about (what I too have been so desperately waiting for...) It is not easy to celebrate in a friend’s happiness when yours seems so far away. You attempt a smile while blinking back bittersweet tears, congratulate them while feeling only angry at yourself for your betraying feelings. It is difficult when someone seems to get whatever they want, all their dreams can come true with the swipe of a card – money is no object, when I have to struggle to save any penny I get, worried, working so, so hard for my future, having to cut off here and there and everywhere parts of my dream because I will never be able to afford it.

While I truly know that none of this matters and how incredibly childish it is to think like this, it doesn’t always convince my heart otherwise. I know that none of it lasts, it fades away, and most importantly, in the light of eternity it is all insignificant... but ultimately my heart needs to change.

This is where my person comes in: he keeps me calm, he wipes me tears, whispers reassurances, reminds me of the millions of things I have to be thankful for. He shares in these burdens and together we pray and deal with the pressures, the worries, the uncertainties, while he holds my hand as we plan, with God’s guidance, our future. God will provide (He always has!) and He is forever faithful – we must simply (!) trust in Him. Yes, this does sometimes mean letting go of selfish desires, even dreams that seem to be so very important. No, I will not get everything I want, but if I’m honest, I really shouldn’t – it would only lead to a twisted sort of arrogant, self-reliance and an ugly pride. My person keeps my eyes of Jesus, focussed on what has everlasting value, giving me perspective, because I have come to realize that I struggle with coveting – wanting what others have – and I have placed “stuff” (actual rubbish) in the place of God.

Nothing will ever be able to compare to the indescribably greatest gift of all time: God’s Son. By God’s grace my eyes have been opened – it is not about me but all about Him. Remembering that makes all the difference. 

home is where the heart is

"Though the fire of the heart may have withered its core 

Unto ashes and dust--though the head have turned hoar 

Ere its time, as the surfs o'er the breakers that foam 

Still, a tear will arise when we think upon Home."

{Albert Pike}

It has been a week since you have gone. Standing in the darkened doorway, starts far above, coldly shining down on us, hushed and mocking, tears falling without ceasing, body shaking, soul tearing. Breaking as you said goodbye with one last kiss, one last embrace, one last promise. 

Closing the door, watching your shadow disappear through the glass, blurred with unspoken fears and overflowing sorrow. 

Every where I look I am reminded of you. Always in my thoughts, always in my heart. The days have been long and empty. Peace out of reach, happiness beyond my grasp. No purpose. No joy. I am restless without you. Lost and alone, left longing after every one else has forgotten. They do not know and they do not care. Trapped in their own worlds and ignorant of mine. 

But here I am standing, arms wide open, waiting for you to come home. Soon. 

relationships.

Relationships. I have learned a lot. Been pulled and pushed beyond belief. I have been challenged me to my very core. I have been melted down and remoulded. I have been cut and burned. It has hurt. I have been broken. It has been wonderful. It has changed me. And it has been the most amazing time of my life.

Relationships. Sharing my life with you. My every day fairytale come to life. A wonder. A dream. My greatest joy, privilege and pleasure. 

But. It has also been the most sorrowful, heart breaking, devastating, shattering experience for me. 

Relationships are hard, hard work. They are messy and confusing. They are full of misunderstandings. But without all of this they would be pointless. Here are a few things that I have learned from the past two (the BEST two!) years of my life:

(This may not be the most exciting post, but hopefully, at least a little bit, insightful!)

Your person is your best friend. Fullstop. They are the one with whom you are desperate to spend every waking moment. With them life is easy, light-hearted, fun, carefree - simply enjoy spending time together! They make you laugh, they smile and you know what they are thinking, they understand, you can just sit in silence for hours and be content. Those special, romantic evenings are lovely, but they are not everyday life. It is about really knowing your person even better than they know themselves (really!) Your person should make you feel safe and secure, precious and beautiful, totally comfortable - even when you are just sitting on the couch, no makeup, hair a mess, in your worn, old pjs watching your favourite series. You should be able to do nothing with your person and be happy. I think that every lasting relationship is built firstly on the solid foundation of friendship.

Without constant, honest COMMUNICATION your relationship is dead. How often have fights happened because we misheard something, or did not get the full picture? (And you will fight - often!) You have to speak to each other - all the time! About the tiny things as much as the huge things. Being genuinely interesting in what happened in their day, taking the time to know and care about the people in their life, their hopes, their dreams, their heartaches, their stresses, their fears... It is important to share your heart with your person... but this is terrifying! Yes, you will be vulnerable... dependent on them - but that is true intimacy, two hearts joined into one, needing that person like you have never needed another human being before. This can only be based on trust. There may be no doubts, no lies, no half-heartedness. You are meant to support, encourage, admonish, grow each other. When you fall down they pick you up, when you are broken they put you back together. Love must overflow - and with it grace and much forgiveness. But with talking also comes LISTENING! You are walking this road of life together, hand-in-hand. 

It is truly the little things: making them a cup of coffee while they're studying, a hand written note, buying their favourite chocolate, texting a Bible verse they had just read that struck them, holding hands as you go for a walk with the dog, letting them choose the music in the car, a quick "just because I'm thinking of you" phonecall, giving them a hug after a long day, praying with you every evening before they say goodnight, saying "I love you" at every possible moment... there are a million moments in the day where you can make your person feel special and show them that you care. It can honestly make their day. Appreciate them and say THANK-YOU! 

In perfect symmetry, you should be able to let the (annoying) little things go: don't fight over something, that in all honestly, is not important (speaking to myself). Don't get irate about the silly things that don't matter. It will save you much time, energy and immature, angry tears. (Said as politely as possible: grow-up!)

On a more serious note: a relationship must have a purpose. It must be INTENTIONAL. You must both know where you are going and why - and you should both want to go there! It does not matter how much you may like, or even love, that person. It does not matter how much fun you have together. It does not even matter if you want to get to know the person better. It is about preparing for a serious, committed, faithful, Christ-honouring (and Lord willing!) LIFELONG relationship. Yes. Marriage. Or else what is the point? Sharing your life, your heart, your deepest being with another person... just because you "like them", "have fun together", "want to get to know them"? That sounds rather selfish and immature. Relationships are SERIOUS. Make sure that you are both willing to take the risk... or be patient, pray, wait, just be friends (I said it!), so as to possibly avoid future heartbreak. Is a fling really worth all the tears? All the pain? (But yes, I know, it may take a few tries until you find THE ONE... but please guard your heart, please...) 

Most importantly: You are a team - you have to be! It is not about you. And even though you will have to SACRIFICE much, putting the other person before yourself, giving, giving and giving some more, it is not even about them. It is all about God. Together you are a WITNESS - the gospel personified. God should be at the centre. He is what should hold you together. He will never let you down - His love will NEVER FAIL. He displays the perfect example of love, of forgiveness, of grace, of holiness, of purity, of sacrifice. The purpose of any and ALL relationships is sanctification - to be made more like Christ. (Fullstop.) And ultimately to GLORIFY GOD. 

the language of tears

Sometimes words are just not enough. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by it all that all I can do is cry. Tears to express how much I love you. A rush of emotion, so swift, so intense, that it takes my breath away. 

Just seeing you smile, feeling your arms wrap around me, hearing you laugh, watching your eyes shine with happiness makes my heart feel so full that it explodes into a thousand pieces. It is so completely wonderful that it hurts. 

The depth of unshakable certainty, the hope for the future, our shared dreams interwoven into one, terrify me into utter thankfulness and pure joy. I know. I truly know. 

I am struggling to write this all down... only tears can articulate the soul's anguished... amazed... desperate... whole-hearted love that I have for you. Eternal love. 

The reason

I have attempted many blogs for various reasons, but this blog was started as a dedication to my person – when he went away. My person has gone away again – but this time for the longest time, longer than any other, a few weeks...

I had thought that the agony of nine endless days would be heartache enough, yet as I gaze into the desolate awaiting hours tears fall as loneliness descends and the quietness takes over. Empty, empty hours.

How does one eloquently express the emotions of fear, of sheer sadness, of overwhelming sorrow? Is it best said with letters of love or beautiful poems? Maybe with ceaseless tears... for cry is all that I am able to do...

The reason for this blog is him. 

hands held

Tightness. Suffocation. Gasping for air, struggling to breathe. Choked with tears and sorrow.

But then he holds my hands. We bow our hands. We pray.

And suddenly... I can breathe again. 

a moment

There are moments, moments of startling clarity. Sharp. Bright. Illuminating. A ray of blinding white light in the darkest possible room. It cuts. It draws blood. It heals. It forgives. It completes. It evokes an overflowing of tears. The clearest realization. Full of quiet hopes and dreams and secrets and trusts. Love. Whole hearted, cannot-live-without-you love. 

Love. 

The emotion of the hour

She had not yet realized that she had been secretly counting done the days until he would leave her. Its imminent arrival was rapidly approaching. Her dread grew. The heart ache dawned anew. The tears welled in her saddened eyes. The terrible, sweeping emotions of the coming loneliness and desperation and fear and hurting overflowed.

“But not yet...” she hopelessly whispered to her lost self. And continued her counting. 

it has come to an end

Space and time. Stretching out before her. Endless. Suffocating darkness. Running and running and running... screaming pain, searing exhaustion, stumbling forward, a drunken dance. Shadows loom ahead of her, but she runs and runs and runs... the gasping, the struggling, the fear, the tears. Her outstretched arms grasp at the immaterial, her hands claw at the fleeting. It is slipping away.

She runs and runs and runs and...

Time has run out.

Waiting for the rain to come and wash away my tears

 His love is like the rain. It refreshes. It rejoices. It rejuvenates the soul. It heals. It forgives by washing all the hurt and hate, impatience and anger away. It cleanses. It purifies. It grows. It is needed. I cannot survive without it. It is life-giving. And so, whenever it rains, I stare up at the sky, kissed by its showering tears, and think of him.