Not alone.

You are not alone.

All you need is a cup of tea

Some days are just longer and harder than others. They begin wonderfully - a calm, cool morning, happy hello's, running into your friends, students smiling around campus (it had to be because of the sunshine!), laughing in Human Physiology at your professors stories, eating M&M's in Genetics and Biochemistry finishing early. But then everything seems to collapse around you at the same time - from a nightmare practical, to blinking back tired tears of frustration, feeling replaced and discarded, wanting nothing more than to just get home and not have to endure train delay after delay, trudging back in the dark with only a tower of work waiting that was meant to be done yesterday.

Just as I was ready to give up I glanced out of the window. It took my breath away. Pearly, pink skies reflecting on the tranquil ocean. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the bigger picture, of who is in control of it all, of who's purposes for me are perfect!

Yes, I cried when I got home (mostly in relief to finally have the day end) but it was cleansing, a release of exhaustion. And of course he held me and spoke such truth with love into all that I had been struggling with. His gentle care, his comforting wisdom, his understanding, his encouragement and support were just what I needed. He brought back perspective. He always reminds me of what is truly important and to keep my gaze on eternity.

A steaming bath, warm pyjama's, tea (of course), and chocolate after this long and hard day have also helped a smidgen :) 

Star of the Morning

Hours away from writing my final exam but I have this song playing through my mind...  

Beautiful Saviour
Wonderful Counsellor
clothed in majesty
Lord of history
You're the Way
the Truth
the Life 

Star of the Morning
glorious in holiness
You're the Risen One
Heaven's champion
and You reign
You reign
over all.

Comfort. Hope. Perspective. Goodnight* 

under grey skies

After a restless night of waking dreams I awaken to grey skies. I know what I need to do. I throw on one of my person's old tshirts, slip into track pants and put on my trainers. Holding the dog's leash we set out for a walk.

It has been weeks since I have had this sort of solitude - just my music, the stretch of ocean, the dog and I. It gives me time to think. To dream. To reason. My spirit quietens. I feel calm and at peace.

Walking this early morning, heavy, dark clouds above us, soft raindrops falling like gentle tears, the ocean the most mysteriously beautiful shade of deep blue-green, glimpses of blue sky with pure white shafts of sunlight shining through - angelic illumination - gives me inspiration and hope.

Feeling the sand crunch beneath my feet, hearing the train screech as it rumbles past, its whistle bringing back too many memories, looking at the waves rise and fall, letting the dog pull me along... in this moment of reflection I am content. I have so much to be thankful for. So much. 

Words escape me - I cannot describe this feeling - but I want to hold onto it. I will hold onto it.

a moment

There are moments, moments of startling clarity. Sharp. Bright. Illuminating. A ray of blinding white light in the darkest possible room. It cuts. It draws blood. It heals. It forgives. It completes. It evokes an overflowing of tears. The clearest realization. Full of quiet hopes and dreams and secrets and trusts. Love. Whole hearted, cannot-live-without-you love. 

Love. 

A fluid stream of hopes and dreams*

Standing in the shadow of the wings. Silence descends backstage and all quietens around me. All I can heard is the blood pounding in my veins, the rush of adrenaline, the shouts of the coming performance. 

The curtains open. The lights come on. The stage gleams with a thousand possibilities. 

My heart beat quickens, by breath catches. I feel a drop of sweat trickle down my back. My pulse picks up. 

The music starts. The beat moves through me and the melody beckons. It all flows, a fluid stream of hopes and dreams to be expressed as the body moves in visible poetry. My soul is stirred, my spirit revived, my heart sings its secret song. I take one last breath. False eyelashes in place, hair pulled back, glitter sparkling, lips rubied... and I take one last step. 

I dance. 

Dawn will come...

Heads hang heavy with the maddening constancy of fear. All time and space has ceased to exist - the days all melding into one unending cycle of books and boredom. Losing track of all reality outside of your isolation. Alone. Left behind. The door is closed - to your hopes, your dreams. They have flown away - to freedom, to life beyond four walls.

But the window... the window is opening... and light, the purest light is streaming in to the darkest night. Dawn will come, wings will stretch and the breeze will take you home.

dark shadows and weariness.

Week after exhausting week. Dark shadows cast beneath weary eyes. The constant struggle to stay awake, let alone throw body and soul into numbing work. Tired. So very tired.... But. This is an eternal promise. An indestructible hope. An unfathomable comfort. An unshakable strength. 

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

 {Isaiah 40:28-31}

Goodnight.

therefore i have Hope

Another month has come and gone. The sun rises earlier and earlier, lighting my way, a golden glow down a broken path. Long days and even longer nights. But reading this filled me with a quiet strength, a shining peace, an encouragement to keep on walking... the Son is just ahead. 

"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the the salvation of the Lord."

{Lamentations 3:21-26}

Without this most amazing assurance and comfort I would have nothing.