The tea room

These days are just amazing! Today I went to a tea room fragrant with fruit infused, exotically spiced steam rising out of glass teapots, with fellow, beautiful bridesmaids to discuss our friend's upcoming wedding. While trying to decide which foreign tea to try (ironically none of us actually drank any tea!) we made our plans and ate some delicious cake. 

As I was leaving, it was brilliant running into some of my favourite varsity friends. All I will say is that if you had overheard our conversation you would have definitely called us nerds :)

Coming home I wandered through all the shops and boutiques in Kalk-Bay, discovering treasures and placing "must-haves" on my list of gifts for friends. Living in Kalk-Bay is such a pleasure, but often I am so busy that I just bustle right by the stores... but today I took some time to simply enjoy the local designs and imports from far away, precious finds just waiting to be found. 

Time at home is spent finalizing wedding guest lists, looking through pictures, laughing with my sisters who I adore, listening to all their "demands", dreaming of wedding dresses, having my wonderful mother making phone calls with me and researching for hours on end. It's what we talk about while getting breakfast in the kitchen, around the dinner table, while driving to wherever we have to go, in the family room in the late afternoon... (I love it!) 

And of course, spending time with my future mister in between him writing his exams. I love when Ray starts talking about the wedding, asking questions, sharing his ideas, going over  ours plans together. He is super excited but also calm (exactly what I need) keeping my dreams flying high but my feet firmly on the ground.

I am exhausted but happy. And this is me going to lie in bed, eating gummy bears and finishing reading my novel :) 

Happiness ahead

Summer vacation. Months of Summer vacation have arrived!! 

I wrote my last wearying exam today and have already packed stacks of notes, books, files and textbooks away in my cupboard, not to be seen until next year (YES!!) The 3am mornings, many, many nights in a row, while quietly studying, I would glance up and gaze at the proteas Ray gave me, and smile, knowing that soon we would be on vacation together, filled with beach days, lazy Sunday afternoon naps, sunshine picnics, eating melting ice-cream, having not a care in the world... 

I cannot even begin to express my thanks... for all those who have walked beside me this year. For Ray, sunrise to sunset and beyond, holding me when I was too tired to hold myself up, praying when I had no words left to say, wiping my tears when I had almost given into despair, making me laugh when I didn't think I could. The constant, secure, all-encompassing, unconditional love of a best friend truly works a miracle each and every single day. Love you babe, would have never made it without you. 

And my family. Oh my wonderful family! Last night my dad said, "So apparently you're having a bit of a brain malfunction?" (They had obviously heard of my ritual pre-exam meltdown) But this afternoon, when I had returned, he said, "Looks like we have some sunshine in the house again!" (HEY!!) 

But most importantly, my Heavenly Father. When I look back on this year, all the beautiful happenings, more than I could have ever dreamed possible, life just getting better and better each moment, in the midst of challenges, stretching us, breaking us, growing us... He has sustained and He has blessed. He is so incredibly good. 

Varsity may be over for the year, but the busyness does not stop! At the moment Ray is writing his final FINAL exams (he graduates in just days!!), his family will be coming down to Cape Town (YAY!), there are end-of-year events to attend, Christmas socials, my best friend's wedding (CANNOT WAAAAIT!!) and my very own WEDDING PLANNING to do!! Exciting things are happening everyone, very exciting things :)

For the first time in months I have raided my mom's library bag and am reading a novel in bed. I am crying I am so happy. Oh sweet, exhausting relief. 

Goodnight :)

The end is in sight

Days of exams, sipping hot chocolate, sitting in the quiet Botany library, watching the grey clouds clear over the mountain and rays of sunshine filter through the glass, walking underneath the budding green leaves of the overhanging branches along student avenue,  getting lost in my own thoughts, jamming to local artists, humming their songs as I wait for the shuttle, running into friends, offering quick words of encouragement, feeling so much love towards my incredible classmates who make me laugh and smile and suffer beside me as we strive towards our final few days, raging after Genetics tests, sitting in the front row for Biochemistry, eating birthday cupcakes, sprinkles everywhere, getting to know one another more deeply, getting invited out to lunch, for milkshakes, to go dancing, making me like I somehow belong, just a little bit... almost being blow over by the howling winds, getting caught in drenching rain as I trudge across campus, only to have it stop as soon as I am sheltered at the bus stop, running after trains and just making them, or just missing them, but always running for them nevertheless, standing in awe of an ocean in chaos, rumbling and rolling, towering waves crashing over the Kalk-Bay harbour wall, the fishing boats surging with the swells... having Ray pick me up at the station so that I don't have to walk home in the rain, chocolate in his hand, ready with a hug as I throw myself at him, cold and exhausted, getting into my warm pyjamas, cuddling on the couch, quality time, just talking, wonderfully dreaming, making plans for the future, and praying when it is all we can do, humbled by the infinite grace, generousity and goodness of God, His perfect provision, how He is in control of each and every situation, how He has so abundantly and undeservedly blessed us, all we can do is say thank-you and give our lives to Him for His glory... still getting distracted by my sparkling ring, how the light reflects inside the diamond, shining like my smile when I think on the one who gave it to me, how he has changed me, helped me to grow, been a million times more than I ever knew I wanted or thought I could ever have, shattering and putting to shame any feeble fantasy and weak expectation that I once believed to be impossibly high, being so much greater in every way, beyond grateful for the very person he is, all that he does, how deep his love is for me, his support, his strength, his wisdom, and knowing that I would not be standing here without him (I cannot explain it all, words simply fail me, but I having the honour of spending my life with my indescribably amazing best friend still seems surreal to my glowing heart, forever his)... disbelief at having finished lectures for my second year at university, celebrating with red velvet cupcakes, sneaking ice-cream late at night while studying, taking a lovely, long nap at the end of the week, being asked constantly about our wedding planning, having to pack away engagement gifts, being spoiled by kind friends, giving ideas around the family dinner table, excited for the holidays to begin, for family to come down and for everyone to get involved, for Ray's graduation, my best friend's wedding, and everything happening inbetween... at the moment life is stressful, but it is full of joy too, because the end is in sight and good times are ahead...

Making it through

There is a little hamlet called Riviersonderend that Ray and I stop at when we drive to and from George to visit our family. We have to stop at that small, but very special, bakery along the side of the road for coffee and the most amazing pies. This little bakery has worked up quite a reputation and almost everyone I know who takes that road makes a quick driveby to pick up their favourite pie! We love the pies so much that we asked friends who were travelling back to Cape Town to please bring some back to us - and they did! Our family enjoyed them Friday afternoon :)

Ray and I spent Friday evening with friends at a chocolate fondue - well I didn't know most of the people, but found myself laughing and chatting as if I had known then for ever (I keep thinking, "What a wonderful group of people!") What I loved the most was giggling with my sister, Ray stuffing me with chocolate covered strawberries messing it all over my face, holding me beside the fire and keeping me close while I almost fell asleep on the late night ride home...

I awoke on Saturday feeling rather ill, but I forced myself to go to dancing... it ended up being the most incredible African Contemporary dance class I have been to in years! I had the most fun - even if I felt utterly broken in the end (my legs are still shaking, my shoulders are bruised, I cannot lift up my arms and laughing is agony!) I think that I just needed that brief moment to fly, to express all the frustration of the last few stressful weeks, to be challenged and to push myself to the point of collapse.

And that is exactly what happened... since then I have spent almost two days in bed sleeping. The very last thing I feel like doing is attempting to study for my Biochemistry exam tomorrow (cries) and my Genetics exam on Wednesday (sobs), neither of which I have studied for (blames all the time stealing tests from last week). I do have hope though... when I stare into the week ahead I always feel overwhelmed, yet I forget to look back and see that I made it through the week that was! Somehow (well I know how - by the strength of my Saviour!) I always seem to make it... sometimes more gracefully than others, but I am sure that He will help me stumble along and finish strong. 

I am (always) eternally grateful to Ray for the endless cups of tea, pieces of toast and hugs he has gently given me... (it is always the little things that are truly the big things!) But I better stop blogging and start studying! 

An unexpected adventure

This morning began like any other day. I came rushing down the stairs a little bit late, found Ray in the kitchen making me breakfast and left soon afterwards to walk down to the train station, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice in my hand because I hadn't had enough time to drink it.

Ray and I watched the sun rise into the clear Spring sky over the rippling ocean. All was cool and calm... but it wouldn't stay that way! 

The six-thirty train pulled up to the platform and I got on as per usual. Several stations later, less than halfway of where I needed to be going, the train came to a halt. Still nothing unusual here in South Africa. I realise that I really do spend a lot of time complaining about the hours I spend riding the train, but the constant delays, cancellations, waiting, running after and missing trains, can become wearying. 

It is after a ten minute standstill that people were beginning to become annoyed, muttering and swearing. Every now and again the train would jerk forward, roll backwards, hop another inch along. From my window I watched passengers walking by, shouting, but having no idea what was happening. I was sitting with a group of UCT students, the familiar faces that I recognised from catching the train each day. We were trying to decide what we should do, as it didn't seem that we were going anywhere any anytime quickly! Out came the phones, texting and calling friends, attempting to put together a plan to mission it to varsity.

The real excitement only began after almost an hour of sitting... The connecting door between the first carriage and ours was thrown open and people started streaming in, screaming, "Get out, OUT!! There is smoke!!" And it smelled terrible, acrid, like burning tires and some sort of metal... Immediate panic set in as passengers stood and rushed forward, crushing through the narrow aisle. I fought to stay calm, I couldn't see any flames, but being trapped in a possibly dangerous area with no escape, as all the doors were firmly locked (and there was NO WAY I could fit through the window!) was scary.

That was it, time to go. We moved from carriage to carriage looking for a way out. Our only exit was jumping off from between the carriages. With the help of complete, but kind strangers, I passed my bag down to an unknown man waiting below, and climbed over the barrier, heart pounding, hands holding me steady when the train suddenly shook and my legs even more, warning me, "Don't touch the cables! Put your foot there... hold onto that railing..." and, with no platform below, JUMPED!! (The drop is a LOT higher than it looks!) I turned around and grabbed the next girl's bag, helping her down, until the group of us, some whose names I do not know, were safe. (But hey, we're students, and students do crazy things right?!)

As the last boy leapt, a man shouted, "CLEAR THE TRACKS!!" as the train stuck behind ours was about to start pushing the stuck train along. Apparently our train wasn't able to move because there was a great risk of setting the first carriage alight...!! In the past hour our train had moved less than a hundred metres, we could still see the platform of the station we had "left". 

We walked along the train tracks with scores of others, to the next train station, where one of the girl's brother gave a lift through to varsity. We squashed in, retold, complained and laughed about our unexpected adventure :) 

We arrived safely at UCT at nine, with one of my new friends saying, "Our train caught on fire and we only missed one lecture!!"  

I am not the most patient person, but I realised that becoming angry or upset about this incident is just pointless, a waste of enegry and emotion, as my frustration would not have changed anything. Instead I just sat back, took a deep breath, and decided to enjoy all the drama. I also kept thinking, "This is such a great story! I can't wait to tweet about this, to Facebook about it, to blog about it!" (Laughs) I will say, though, that I am very glad that my train did not burst into flames on the ride home :)

Nutella hot chocolate

We are all in need of some serious tender loving care! It's Monday, I am back at varsity feeling like I have forgotten what sleep is and already wrote a test. Yes, bring on the TLC! 

And so here is a recipe for Nutella hot chocolate. Yes. NUTELLA HOT CHOCOLATE! (Everyone please calm down!!)

What you need:

• 1 cup of Milk
• 2 tablespoons of Nutella (or a bit more!)
• 1 teaspoon of cocoa (suggested if you'd like a more intense chocolate flavour) 
• Pinch of cinnamon
• Whipped cream and marshmallows

What to do:

1. Pour about 1/4 of the milk into a saucepan on medium-low heat. 
2. Add the Nutella and whisk until blended. Slowly stir in the remaining milk. 
3. Add a pinch of cinnamon and whisk until hot and frothy. 
4. Carefully pour the mixture into a mug, add whipped cream and marshmallows if you so desire.
5. Let the hazelnut hot chocolate happiness begin!!

{Taken from: deliciousdrinkrecipes.blogspot.com}  

What happened next...

I cannot believe that a week ago my best friend asked my to marry him!! (Heart bursts and joy overflows!!) Some moments it all just seems so normal and ordinary - we had known, talked about it and planned for it for so long, that while it was breathtakingly wonderful, it wasn't unexpected. But then there are moments when I am struck with awe and amazement. At his love, at our God, at my beautiful ring!! I am still in shock - you believe that it is surely coming, but when it actually happens... indescribable!! I cannot stop smiling :) (Just letting you know that Ray received the ring in the morning and by that afternoon it was on my finger - he is phenomenal!!) We are also having the most fun calling each other fiancé and fiancée (giggles like a girl in love).

The days leading up to the proposal, Ray proposing was honestly all I could think about. I had butterflies fluttering in my stomach all the time (and still do!!) It was incredible to hear from two of my best friends that literally minutes before I had told them of our engagement they had been guessing possible dates of when he would pop the question :) 

The morning after, when I awoke and realised that I was engaged, sheer happiness spread throughout me. A sense of disbelief and wonder consumed me. I suddenly seemed to remember the ring on my finger and the one who gave it to me. Reality was infinitely better than any fantasy. So thankful, so full of love, so overwhelmed. Words are just not enough. 

I love how my diamond glitters and sparkles. It captures the light and out from it shines tiny rainbows. I have started greeting friends by sticking my hand out, forcing them to admire my engagement ring (laughs). My church, varsity and dancing friends have been awesome. Their ecstasy and excitement for Ray and I is thrilling, encouraging and humbling. We know that we are truly blessed to have them in our lives (blinks back tears). Thank-you for celebrating with us!! We have received cards, chocolate, hugs, a million messages (which we must still reply too!!), advice and are booked out for coffee dates to share the story again and again :) Thank-you for the wishes, for telling us to enjoy this special time, sharing your memories of these moments, for supporting us, (for crying from happiness when you heard - you know who you are!) and for asking question after question about the wedding next year - we cannot wait either!

Our families have been just incredible!! Skyping his parents, skyping my sister in South Korea (where she and my mom have already decided that she is in charge of planning the wedding!), finally being able to showoff my ring to my dad when he returned, discussing details, dreams and ideas around the dinner table, the prayers said... it all warms our hearts. When my little sister found out last week (besides screaming and jumping up and down) the first thing she asked was what she was wearing, how her hair was going to be done, will be have red velvet cake and can she bring a friend... sisters are just precious :)  

 Our Sea Gypsy friend - who phoned, blogged about our engagement and came to visit us - brought delicious brownies and fudge from the Hope Street Market in town and my favourite macaroons from Cassis (wow!!) to celebrate. She came rushing through the gate with a stream of brightly coloured helium balloons flying behind her. Thank-you!! We cannot express how much we have appreciated you and your friendship. We are so excited to start all the wedding "stuff" searching and adventures this summer :) 

Sunday morning was the first moment where Ray and I could finally catch our breaths. We had a quiet breakfast of freshly baked breads and berry farm jam from Olympia cafe just down the road. 

I love this time of the year, when winter is slowly slipping to a close and there is a whisper of warmth just around the corner. Even the icy rain cannot dampen my mood - all I need is a warm scarf wrapped tightly around my neck and cup of coffee to keep me going. The sunrises at UCT have been glorious. I have even seen that the bare tree are beginning to bud. Riding the train home in the afternoon, breathing in the freshness of the ocean, I watch to see how the colour changes to reflect the sky. Some days it is a cold, dark grey, its inky waters storming, but other days it is a brilliant, bright blue, surfers out in the water and a breaching whale, that fills you with hope. 

Tonight was the dress rehearsal for Expressions - yes, we perform this weekend! With rehearsals every evening, the anticipation and nerves have been growing. There is shouting, tears, laughter, disappointments, adrenalin and happiness - at accomplishing something you have worked so hard for. All those hours dedicated, the pain, the rapid beating of your heart, the moment when you wait in the wings just before you step onto the stage, the blinding lights, hitting the movements perfectly, the clicking of the tap shoes, the vibrations of the music, the rustle of the velvet curtains, the red lipstick, glitter and false eyelashes... it is showtime!! 

(My litter sister and some of her fellow dancers just before "Big Jazz")

("Grace Dance Company" - this photograph was printed in the local newspaper today)

These past weeks have just been strange. I have felt so disorientated. I keep forgetting what day it is and what I am supposed to be doing (and it is not just to do with constantly being distracted by my stunning ring - while I'm brushing my teeth, while I'm sipping tea, while I'm trying to study - so basically all the time!!) but that I am utterly exhausted. I have been sick, have had to finish off a stack of tutorials, practical assignments, experiment reports and somehow write tests too. The proposal, the meeting with friends, the long hours of dance rehearsals, the late varsity days, the lack of sleep... Ray and I are both beyond tired. Ray, prayer, gentle caring and lovely friends have helped me to survive. (Also for the fact that my feet are still floating above the ground and that is feels like I'm living in a dream!!) This really has been the most amazing, stressful and challenging time of my life. Thank-you Lord, for everything, we are eternally grateful*

A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.  

Thoughts on creation versus evolution

"God is; if He were not, nothing could be."

{Sibbes}

I have found myself becoming very frustrated this week in my Human Physiology lectures. I have had the privilege of having one of the greatest scientists in South Africa, and a worldwide leader in sports science, teach me. 

Here is a quote from his first lecture: "We somehow evolved... We have no idea how... We can't understand it... We somehow learned... We don't know..." (Sigh, how disappointing to hear an "expert" speak like that...) I would prefer science and not unsubstantiated human speculation please. He will often say, "It is so incredibly designed!" but won't give credit to a Designer. He will make ridiculous, completely unscientific statements... if you say we "somehow evolved to get an intelligent brain" without being able to give the slightest explanation as to how, then he has no basis in saying what he says at all! 

Science is empirical. It is based on observations. (And observations do change! My professors constantly tell us how science has changed over the decades, how we discover more or disprove what they thought to be correct - there is not constancy or absolute truths, there is no solid foundation!) When he teaches us real science, based on actual, observable, repeatable research,  he is brilliant. But as soon as he begins to make up stories about human origins I become angry. (It is not as though he as literally observed any of it!) How can he say we evolved from apes yet cannot explain what processes allowed this to happen - how did the molecules happen to know where to go in deleting nucleotides from genomic code, how did these amazing genes just happen to randomly form in the right place, how did the vitally needed proteins also come into existance to express these new genes, how did the biochemical environment of the body tolerate or allow such harmful "mistakes" to occur, how did the physiology adapt to cope with these new conditions and abilities - there are literally an infinite amount of factors to include in explaining his "facts" which he totally ignores, or just unthinkingly accepts. A good scientist is one who asks the right questions, who looks for the right explanation, who considers the millions of contributing consequences... He will just say, "I have absolutely no idea!" (And I agree!) He tries to put a roof on a building that has no walls. 

Evolution creates questions, questions that only the Bible can answer, for God is the Creator! It is so (mindblowingly) simple: the body works so perfectly, its systems intricately and beautifully integrating, working together as a whole is because He made it exactly so. I cannot even begin to describe the details of marvels and wonder of how the human body works: from the very structure of the atom, the forces holding it all together, its almost magical, constant, instrinsic properties, forming the building blocks of life, forming molecules that make everything we see around us on a microscopic scale... 

I believe that God created the world. It says that God spoke and all of the universe came into being. It was good. And humans were VERY good! It may not explain how He flung the stars into space or hung the sun and moon in the sky, but the Bible (which any unbiased historian will tell you is infallible) tells me that He did it, and I believe it! There will always be mystery, for we are finite beings trying to understand the Infinite! Do I believe that a mighty, all-powerful, sovereignly upholding, sustainer, creative genius, designer God make it all? Yes. Of course. 

What further frustrates me is that evolution is a naturalistic/materialistic worldview, and yet the believer (yes, evolution is a faith) fails to take their view to its completion.  If you believe in evolution then what you are saying is that you are a random, directionless, pointless accident. You are not special, you are not unique, you do not matter, you have no worth, you have no purpose and your life has no meaning. If evolution had to happen again then you would not be here. You are no more important than dirt - you came from it. (And please don't even get me started on the "Big Bang" and the impossibilities of the chemical evolution - how can everything come from nothing?)

In a world where every one is searching for purpose, for acceptance, for love, for a meaningful existence, it is unfathomable to say that you are the pointless result of a random accident. You were created. You were created for a purpose. You were created for a reason. You were created in God's glorious image, for His glory, for His enjoyment. He created you for a loving relationship with Him. That is why you long for more. That is why you crave belonging, for you are lost! You can only find lasting fulfilment in Christ Jesus, in being a part of your Maker's family, in living forever in His awe-striking presence, praising Him for all of eternity. Without God you have nothing. Without Him you are nothing. 

Imagine looking at the Mona Lisa and saying, "It is an accident, the paint just happened to fall exactly where it fell onto the canvas, resulting in this breath-taking picture." That is ludicrous! And how do you think Leonardo da Vinci would feel hearing that about his masterpiece and not receiving the rightful credit he is due? Looking at the spectacular, indescribable awesomeness of creation and attributing it all (including astounding you!) to evolution instead of to God is unfathomable. 

I have realised, though, that getting upset about evolution is like getting angry at asking a blind man to describe a rainbow - he cannot see! In the same way, my professor is blind. But I pray that one day, by God's grace, he will see the life-changing truth. 

Reflecting on my week

When the days drag but the week swiftly passes by. Time always seems to slip through our grasping fingers too quickly to collect or truly appreciate. The rushing, the busyness, the stress, the distance... it has been exhausting! A lightness, a sort of wearied relief, characterized my feelings as I walked briskly across campus after my last lecture of the week, winding my way under ice cold, grey skies, through the masses of students bustling from class to class or excitedly leaving for the weekend. Riding the bus and then the train, and walking home was wonderful, knowing that I have managed to stumble my way through yet another seven days - although the speed at which time is flying is a little bit terrifying!

On a day when you leave before sunrise and return home only after sunset, you are tired in every single way. It has been especially difficult with all the pressure of my varsity work and not being able to spend as much time with R to simply sit together and endlessly share our days. Sometimes all my anger and frustration builds up, waiting to come tumbling down at the first person to cross my path. Yes, I took it all out on my innocent, unsuspecting person. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of being able to attend a Biblical counselling course. It has shone light onto my dark heart. No one can blame their circumstances or experiences for their behaviour and actions, for all your circumstances and experiences do are trigger what is already inside your heart - your behaviour and actions towards a person or a situation is simply the overflowing of your heart. Just like a dead man cannot bring himself back to life, so you cannot change your sinful heart by yourself - you need to be rescued and set free. And I was reminded of that again and again this week. 

 I know that I always say this but I still cannot believe how incredibly wonderful and amazing my person is. After I was truly, wickedly horrible to him, fighting about nothing at all, creating problems that were none, he still just unconditionally loved me. He forgives in a heartbeat, he will not leave me, he is faithful and true, so loyal and caring. He understands and never fails to support and encourage me. It not only humbles me, bringing burning tears to my eyes and sheer shame at my words towards him, but he blows me away. He makes me see what love really is. It is limitless, healing, a refuge in times of great need. His sacrifice and selflessness always leave me striving to be more like Jesus and worthy of his love. His love is a reflection of the cross - the greatest act of love ever to be displayed! Just like R so graciously loves me when I do not deserve it in the slightest, so God loved us when we were unlovely. R reminds me of that every day. 

I had some heart-to-heart conversations with my varsity friends this week. It is not often that we are so open and honest with each other. I was forced to remember a time when I held onto bitterness and rage. I did not want to forgive someone. I actually wanted revenge. For months I would not apologise. It ended that friendship, with much pain as we parted ways. When I think of how God forgave me, willingly died for me when I was His enemy, when I had rejected His rightful rule and turned my back on Him, my loving Creator... how dare I not forgive like He does? Looking back I realise how much hurt I could have avoided if I had admitted my faults and immaturity, and forgiven them. No it was not easy, but when I think on what God has so miraculously and indescribably done for me, my excuses and ungodly feelings are insignificant. Don't go to sleep tonight leaving any relationships broken - especially the one you have with your Saviour. 

These whispered conversations while we worked also had me retelling parts of R and my life-changing, love story. Again I can only thank the Lord for His grace and patience, His good, good plan, in bringing and keeping us together. Someday soon I will retell it for you all :)

It doesn't cost you anything to be kind or polite. It is in the little things... like giving up your seat on the train for someone else, holding the library door open for the student coming in behind you, smiling at a stranger, greeting the security guard that you walk past every day, in hugging a friend who is heartbroken. I was astounded at how cruel some people could be in deliberately inflicting hurt on the sweetest girl I know. Watching her cry in class caused my throat to burn as I held back furious words at those who had crushed her. Being a friend doesn't necessarily mean fighting someone's battles, but perhaps rather just being there with her as she struggles through - a source of comfort, bringing soothing peace, but ultimately leading her to the One who loves her even more than she could ever imagine.  

Well I have more work than I believe I can ever get through (this is when I stop depending on my feeble self and start praying!) but I keep R's forever love in the forefront of my mind, helping me grow, guiding me every step of the way... but more importantly - and always - living in the light of eternity! Remember what truly matters and what will endure... Happy weekend everyone :) 

dancing in the rain

I can either be miserable as I trudge across varsity campus in the downpour or I can dance in the rain.  

Making it through the week...

Some days are just strange. I will suddenly look up and think, "How did I get here?" 

Well it has been a long week back at varsity. But earlier today, just sitting in the sunshine, I realized that I had actually made it through - God is good, it always works out in the end! 

Here are some happenings from my week (and hopefully they will make you groan and laugh like I did experiencing them!)

Yesterday morning the train was seriously delayed. I was beginning to panic, wondering how I was going to get to varsity on time. The thing about catching the train each morning is that there are the "regulars" - those who you nod hello to each day, those familiar faces, but people who you don't actually know. A boy turned to me and said, "You want a lift to UCT?" (R and I look at each other) "Sure, thanks!" I reply, secretly thinking, "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!"As we were driving R texted me, "I need his name, surname, car, colour, licence plate number..." haha, but as you can obviously tell, I wasn't murdered (phew), made it on time to class (yay) and I also made a new friend :) 

This morning, unfortunately, didn't go much better - I overslept by forty minutes, dressed in a flash, ran out the doors and missed my "usual" train by seconds! "Just breathe, just breathe..." (Insert mini-breakdown) But once again, by a miracle, I stumbled through the lecture theatre doors just before it began. I spent today in a sort of a daze, somehow making it from class to class, feeling like I am forgetting something, longing to get home to R... My day also consisted of just missing more buses and more train delays (of course) but I could smile, knowing that in the greater view of life these "sufferings" of mine are really nothing at all to complain about - it is actually quite ridiculous how upset I get about this little things (I'm sorry - no more self pity!)

Let me tell you about this week's Human Physiology lecturer - he is actually a friend of mine and he works at the Sport Science Institute. His stories in class this week made us wonder how in the world he was still alive - from a cyst in his leg constricting his nerves causing paralysis, to a drop foot, to dead muscle taking a year to regenerate, to constantly tripping while running and dislocating his shoulder or ripping his intercostal muscles, to almost falling into a coma due to a research glucose/insulin experiment gone wrong, to his respiratory muscles stopping due to too many drugs administered during a surgery and dying on the table and being be resuscitated... can you believe it?! Next year when he teaches us again I can only imagine what life/death experiences he will share with us - he is absolutely brilliant :)  

I also want to say that in my lectures this week I have really seen God's genius design and breath-taking creativity in all of life, in the most complex details, in sustaining it all, how everything works so perfectly together... no one can explain it, no one can truly understand it! Wow... it is wonderful being constantly amazed and in awe of my Creator, His sheer power and control of the universe. I am reminded to give Him alone all the glory!

And here I am, at this very moment, watching the Olympics' incredible opening ceremony (eating sour jelly beans, cuddled under blankets on the couch, R trying not to fall asleep rather unsuccessfully and blogging away), feeling such pride for my family's countries - South Africa, the United States of America, Namibia, Germany and Belgium - we are behind you all the way, "Go teams go!" I love times like these when the world comes together... gives a glimpse of the unity and diversity (makes me think of Heaven...)

Well I am exhausted and still not sure how I survived these past few days (thank-you Lord!). R, thanks for being strong when I feel so weak. I know that I can stand because you are by my side. And with that I am off to dreamland, goodnight*

All you need is a cup of tea

Some days are just longer and harder than others. They begin wonderfully - a calm, cool morning, happy hello's, running into your friends, students smiling around campus (it had to be because of the sunshine!), laughing in Human Physiology at your professors stories, eating M&M's in Genetics and Biochemistry finishing early. But then everything seems to collapse around you at the same time - from a nightmare practical, to blinking back tired tears of frustration, feeling replaced and discarded, wanting nothing more than to just get home and not have to endure train delay after delay, trudging back in the dark with only a tower of work waiting that was meant to be done yesterday.

Just as I was ready to give up I glanced out of the window. It took my breath away. Pearly, pink skies reflecting on the tranquil ocean. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the bigger picture, of who is in control of it all, of who's purposes for me are perfect!

Yes, I cried when I got home (mostly in relief to finally have the day end) but it was cleansing, a release of exhaustion. And of course he held me and spoke such truth with love into all that I had been struggling with. His gentle care, his comforting wisdom, his understanding, his encouragement and support were just what I needed. He brought back perspective. He always reminds me of what is truly important and to keep my gaze on eternity.

A steaming bath, warm pyjama's, tea (of course), and chocolate after this long and hard day have also helped a smidgen :) 

Things you forget

One of the best things about being at university is the amazingly long vacations. What this means though, is that the first day back after six weeks of leisure, is always a bit of a shock! Here are some things I had "forgotten"...

1. That instant irritation felt when my alarm so rudely wakes me.
2. What it's like to walk down to the station in the dark - tripping over cracks in the pavement, stumbling on the curb, wishing for my warm pyjama's and feeling a bit of self-pity (laughs).
3. Seeing the sky slowly lighten as the sun begins its day in this part of the world.
4. What riding the train is like. 
5. How unfit I am - panting after racing a hundred other students to the shuttle stop, climbing a thousand stairs, the millions of steps I take as I trudge back and forth across campus.
6. How insane the Jammie drivers "drive" the shuttles - how I have to grip my ice cold seat. Also the (loud and slightly annoying) chatter of the first years (I'm sorry, I'm still waking up) and how they really do pack as many of us as possible in the bus (good times).
7. How much I have missed my friends (hence my favourite photo's from last year - I would never have believed that those I had just met could become such incredible friends and fellow "sufferers" as we struggled through together!)
8. How wonderful it is to have to really use my brain again! Learning new, difficult and exciting things each day really does expand my universe and render me speechless as I stand in awe of all that God has so beautifully made and sustains. 
9. Exhaustion. It never seems to matter how long my vacation was, because all it takes is just one day back to wipe it all away - it is like I never left.
10. How good (and vital!) coffee is - from a serious tea drinker!
11. It doesn't matter what I wear to varsity, I will always get it wrong - I'm either freezing or dying of heat stroke... sigh.
12. I love the library. Walking up and down the silent, dusty towers of books, feeling immediately calm and ready to work the hours away.
13. That sense of overwhelming terror and dread as I wrote down all my test dates, sorted through practicals and tutorials and essay assignments - just need to survive!
14. How much I missed the iconic Jameson Steps - the student meeting ground :) Was awesome seeing friends so delightedly hug each other - feels like home)
15. I will admit that I like wearing my nerdy, white lab coat. 
16. Noticing how most of the boys in my classes have (finally!) gotten haircuts - cute!
17. How relaxing the sway of the train can be after a long and tiring day. And how the breeze through the grungy train windows becomes crisper as I near the ocean and get closer to home (and more importantly him!) How the sound of the waves lull a stressed mind and how my spirit is revived. 
18. Hard work really is hard work! Struggling to stay focussed tonight.
19. You have no free time. (I really shouldn't be blogging).
20. All I want to do is sleep.
21. I have taken all this time spent with my best friend for granted. Today felt rather lonely being without him... when you spent every waking moment together, you feel lost when he isn't standing by your side, holding your hand, preciously close by... when I saw him waiting for me at the train station my heart leapt! Sharing our day's as we walked home, enjoying dinner together, treasuring the brief moments when we could just pray and read the Bible (I cried) - I missed him more than words can describe.
22. That I really need God - His strength alone will carry me through, His sovereignty will ease my worries, His purposes will guide me, His love will comfort me. 

With that I say goodnight (and get back to my books!)

escape

Varsity is starting again. I still have so many books left to read, so many moments with friends I want to share, so many cups of tea I want to drink, lazing the time away - with no worries and no work. I have sincerely loved this winter vacation - surrounded by those I love the most, visiting family, getting away on our mini-roadtrip, all the photographs we took, new and beautiful memories made, our growth, reviving my weary spirit, renewed for this upcoming semester, challenged and encouraged to trust wholeheartedly and solely in my Saviour. No more escaping for tomorrow it all begins again... here is to insanity!