My reason to smile

I have been promising myself to write a lovely, long, thoughtful blog post... but I am just too exhausted (says the sick girl on having had only three hours of sleep last night and a never ending day). I am struggling to remember how this day began, it feels like forever ago! And yet the day still seems far from over... But one more thing before I go to sleep...no matter how tired I am, or how long my days are, I cannot stop smiling... I have butterflies fluttering around every moment, waking or dreaming... I am content to wait. I trust you. (And you have been beyond amazing, as always!) 

And with that I bid you a gentle goodnight*

Making it through the week...

Some days are just strange. I will suddenly look up and think, "How did I get here?" 

Well it has been a long week back at varsity. But earlier today, just sitting in the sunshine, I realized that I had actually made it through - God is good, it always works out in the end! 

Here are some happenings from my week (and hopefully they will make you groan and laugh like I did experiencing them!)

Yesterday morning the train was seriously delayed. I was beginning to panic, wondering how I was going to get to varsity on time. The thing about catching the train each morning is that there are the "regulars" - those who you nod hello to each day, those familiar faces, but people who you don't actually know. A boy turned to me and said, "You want a lift to UCT?" (R and I look at each other) "Sure, thanks!" I reply, secretly thinking, "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!"As we were driving R texted me, "I need his name, surname, car, colour, licence plate number..." haha, but as you can obviously tell, I wasn't murdered (phew), made it on time to class (yay) and I also made a new friend :) 

This morning, unfortunately, didn't go much better - I overslept by forty minutes, dressed in a flash, ran out the doors and missed my "usual" train by seconds! "Just breathe, just breathe..." (Insert mini-breakdown) But once again, by a miracle, I stumbled through the lecture theatre doors just before it began. I spent today in a sort of a daze, somehow making it from class to class, feeling like I am forgetting something, longing to get home to R... My day also consisted of just missing more buses and more train delays (of course) but I could smile, knowing that in the greater view of life these "sufferings" of mine are really nothing at all to complain about - it is actually quite ridiculous how upset I get about this little things (I'm sorry - no more self pity!)

Let me tell you about this week's Human Physiology lecturer - he is actually a friend of mine and he works at the Sport Science Institute. His stories in class this week made us wonder how in the world he was still alive - from a cyst in his leg constricting his nerves causing paralysis, to a drop foot, to dead muscle taking a year to regenerate, to constantly tripping while running and dislocating his shoulder or ripping his intercostal muscles, to almost falling into a coma due to a research glucose/insulin experiment gone wrong, to his respiratory muscles stopping due to too many drugs administered during a surgery and dying on the table and being be resuscitated... can you believe it?! Next year when he teaches us again I can only imagine what life/death experiences he will share with us - he is absolutely brilliant :)  

I also want to say that in my lectures this week I have really seen God's genius design and breath-taking creativity in all of life, in the most complex details, in sustaining it all, how everything works so perfectly together... no one can explain it, no one can truly understand it! Wow... it is wonderful being constantly amazed and in awe of my Creator, His sheer power and control of the universe. I am reminded to give Him alone all the glory!

And here I am, at this very moment, watching the Olympics' incredible opening ceremony (eating sour jelly beans, cuddled under blankets on the couch, R trying not to fall asleep rather unsuccessfully and blogging away), feeling such pride for my family's countries - South Africa, the United States of America, Namibia, Germany and Belgium - we are behind you all the way, "Go teams go!" I love times like these when the world comes together... gives a glimpse of the unity and diversity (makes me think of Heaven...)

Well I am exhausted and still not sure how I survived these past few days (thank-you Lord!). R, thanks for being strong when I feel so weak. I know that I can stand because you are by my side. And with that I am off to dreamland, goodnight*

Bed please.

"I want to change the world, instead, I sleep."

{Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson} 

And sleep I shall! Goodnight*

Star of the Morning

Hours away from writing my final exam but I have this song playing through my mind...  

Beautiful Saviour
Wonderful Counsellor
clothed in majesty
Lord of history
You're the Way
the Truth
the Life 

Star of the Morning
glorious in holiness
You're the Risen One
Heaven's champion
and You reign
You reign
over all.

Comfort. Hope. Perspective. Goodnight* 

home is where the heart is

"Though the fire of the heart may have withered its core 

Unto ashes and dust--though the head have turned hoar 

Ere its time, as the surfs o'er the breakers that foam 

Still, a tear will arise when we think upon Home."

{Albert Pike}

It has been a week since you have gone. Standing in the darkened doorway, starts far above, coldly shining down on us, hushed and mocking, tears falling without ceasing, body shaking, soul tearing. Breaking as you said goodbye with one last kiss, one last embrace, one last promise. 

Closing the door, watching your shadow disappear through the glass, blurred with unspoken fears and overflowing sorrow. 

Every where I look I am reminded of you. Always in my thoughts, always in my heart. The days have been long and empty. Peace out of reach, happiness beyond my grasp. No purpose. No joy. I am restless without you. Lost and alone, left longing after every one else has forgotten. They do not know and they do not care. Trapped in their own worlds and ignorant of mine. 

But here I am standing, arms wide open, waiting for you to come home. Soon. 

Love gather all.

"The quarrel from the start,
long past and never past,
the war of mind and heart,
the great war and the small
that tumbles the hovel down
and topples town on town
come to one place at last:
Love gathers all."

Goodnight* 

No light.

All was still. All was quiet. The air was thick with silence, echoing off the dulled edges of her mind. Hollow and empty she sat bent crooked over her books. Her hand moving across the pages as the hours crept by. Aching exhaustion choking her, her world existing of these same four walls, nothing within, nothing beyond. Shadows swept across her face as the moon sank low. She looked at the dying flickers of the flame before her. With her last ember of consciousness she blew out the candle, staring at the tendrils of immaterial smoke swirling and curling as it rose to unattainable freedom. No light. 

daring to dream

"Deep into the darkness, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no moral ever dreamed before."

{Edgar Allan Poe} 

the girl and the sun

Dappled sunlight filtering through the outstretched branches of the tree above her.  The grass her bed, the flowers her blanket, her daydreams her pillow and her happiness the stillness of the day drawing to a close.

Her song was contentment. Unwavering and true.

Quietly, quietly the leaves whispered and swirling clouds sang. A picture painted in the sky with long, soft strokes of an artist’s lingering touch.  

Staring up at the endless expanse her solitude was magnified. Her insignificance a terrifying comfort. So small, yet worth more that the world itself. The Creator would die for her so that she could live forever... rampant musings dancing through her head as dusk descended. A twinge of pink, a blush of orange, a golden glow and mellowing blue...

The sun would the return to the curve of the spinning Earth, retreating to her slumber, only to return once again.

The light fades and night has come. 

dark shadows and weariness.

Week after exhausting week. Dark shadows cast beneath weary eyes. The constant struggle to stay awake, let alone throw body and soul into numbing work. Tired. So very tired.... But. This is an eternal promise. An indestructible hope. An unfathomable comfort. An unshakable strength. 

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

 {Isaiah 40:28-31}

Goodnight.

"The art of marriage"

Tonight my person and I attended a workshop called "The art of marriage." Besides being beyond hilarious at times, it was insightful and very challenging. Here are a few thoughts from the evening:

"The woman may be freaking-out, but the man is freaking-in! So before it becomes a freaking mess, grab her hands and pray!"

"The woman becomes the crocodile and the man the caveman..." 

"Your differences compliment each other, don't let them bring conflict. God created marriage to be 'togetherness' - becoming one, an unbreakable connection, and not emotional distance or isolation."

"The heart of the problem is the problem is the heart."

"You are marrying a sinner - so plan for sin!" 

"Marriage is God's idea - not man's. It is a gift! A union that reflects God's love for us, demonstrated in the selfless act of sending His Son (the cross!) - the ultimate portrayal of love."

"Love is self-denial. Sacrifice." 

"Basis for a marriage: spiritual partnership, friendship, intimacy. Your spouse is God's instrument to help you, to encourage you in your faith."

"We try to change our spouse into the image of ourselves - because we love ourselves the most! But God's goal for marriage is to transform us, using each other, into the image of His Son!" 

[Or something like that - my memory starts to fail be past midnight!] Relationships are full of love, patience, pain, hurt, failure, forgiveness, joy, pleasure, loyalty, trust and hard HARD work... I'm excited for the future!

But one quick last thought: Never enter into a relationship for a sort of happiness, or sense of fulfilment and purpose. No one can complete you or make you whole. People can not bring you ultimate meaning or belonging. Relationships do not cure loneliness. People WILL fail you... but God NEVER will! He is faithful and true, eternal and unchanging. He IS love. You were created first and foremost for a relationship with Him (and then with others) for He ALONE can bring true purpose and fulfilment, our Creator, our Heavenly Father...

 

 

 

Every night he has been away*

I turn off the lights. I get into bed. I close my eyes. Darkness. Sleepless.

But then he calls me. And he prays with me over the phone. Listening to his voice I blink back tears. So happy, so sad. He says I love you and goodnight.

Then I close my eyes. Darkness. I fall asleep to the sound of the rain on my window.