A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.  

Thoughts on creation versus evolution

"God is; if He were not, nothing could be."

{Sibbes}

I have found myself becoming very frustrated this week in my Human Physiology lectures. I have had the privilege of having one of the greatest scientists in South Africa, and a worldwide leader in sports science, teach me. 

Here is a quote from his first lecture: "We somehow evolved... We have no idea how... We can't understand it... We somehow learned... We don't know..." (Sigh, how disappointing to hear an "expert" speak like that...) I would prefer science and not unsubstantiated human speculation please. He will often say, "It is so incredibly designed!" but won't give credit to a Designer. He will make ridiculous, completely unscientific statements... if you say we "somehow evolved to get an intelligent brain" without being able to give the slightest explanation as to how, then he has no basis in saying what he says at all! 

Science is empirical. It is based on observations. (And observations do change! My professors constantly tell us how science has changed over the decades, how we discover more or disprove what they thought to be correct - there is not constancy or absolute truths, there is no solid foundation!) When he teaches us real science, based on actual, observable, repeatable research,  he is brilliant. But as soon as he begins to make up stories about human origins I become angry. (It is not as though he as literally observed any of it!) How can he say we evolved from apes yet cannot explain what processes allowed this to happen - how did the molecules happen to know where to go in deleting nucleotides from genomic code, how did these amazing genes just happen to randomly form in the right place, how did the vitally needed proteins also come into existance to express these new genes, how did the biochemical environment of the body tolerate or allow such harmful "mistakes" to occur, how did the physiology adapt to cope with these new conditions and abilities - there are literally an infinite amount of factors to include in explaining his "facts" which he totally ignores, or just unthinkingly accepts. A good scientist is one who asks the right questions, who looks for the right explanation, who considers the millions of contributing consequences... He will just say, "I have absolutely no idea!" (And I agree!) He tries to put a roof on a building that has no walls. 

Evolution creates questions, questions that only the Bible can answer, for God is the Creator! It is so (mindblowingly) simple: the body works so perfectly, its systems intricately and beautifully integrating, working together as a whole is because He made it exactly so. I cannot even begin to describe the details of marvels and wonder of how the human body works: from the very structure of the atom, the forces holding it all together, its almost magical, constant, instrinsic properties, forming the building blocks of life, forming molecules that make everything we see around us on a microscopic scale... 

I believe that God created the world. It says that God spoke and all of the universe came into being. It was good. And humans were VERY good! It may not explain how He flung the stars into space or hung the sun and moon in the sky, but the Bible (which any unbiased historian will tell you is infallible) tells me that He did it, and I believe it! There will always be mystery, for we are finite beings trying to understand the Infinite! Do I believe that a mighty, all-powerful, sovereignly upholding, sustainer, creative genius, designer God make it all? Yes. Of course. 

What further frustrates me is that evolution is a naturalistic/materialistic worldview, and yet the believer (yes, evolution is a faith) fails to take their view to its completion.  If you believe in evolution then what you are saying is that you are a random, directionless, pointless accident. You are not special, you are not unique, you do not matter, you have no worth, you have no purpose and your life has no meaning. If evolution had to happen again then you would not be here. You are no more important than dirt - you came from it. (And please don't even get me started on the "Big Bang" and the impossibilities of the chemical evolution - how can everything come from nothing?)

In a world where every one is searching for purpose, for acceptance, for love, for a meaningful existence, it is unfathomable to say that you are the pointless result of a random accident. You were created. You were created for a purpose. You were created for a reason. You were created in God's glorious image, for His glory, for His enjoyment. He created you for a loving relationship with Him. That is why you long for more. That is why you crave belonging, for you are lost! You can only find lasting fulfilment in Christ Jesus, in being a part of your Maker's family, in living forever in His awe-striking presence, praising Him for all of eternity. Without God you have nothing. Without Him you are nothing. 

Imagine looking at the Mona Lisa and saying, "It is an accident, the paint just happened to fall exactly where it fell onto the canvas, resulting in this breath-taking picture." That is ludicrous! And how do you think Leonardo da Vinci would feel hearing that about his masterpiece and not receiving the rightful credit he is due? Looking at the spectacular, indescribable awesomeness of creation and attributing it all (including astounding you!) to evolution instead of to God is unfathomable. 

I have realised, though, that getting upset about evolution is like getting angry at asking a blind man to describe a rainbow - he cannot see! In the same way, my professor is blind. But I pray that one day, by God's grace, he will see the life-changing truth. 

All you need is a cup of tea

Some days are just longer and harder than others. They begin wonderfully - a calm, cool morning, happy hello's, running into your friends, students smiling around campus (it had to be because of the sunshine!), laughing in Human Physiology at your professors stories, eating M&M's in Genetics and Biochemistry finishing early. But then everything seems to collapse around you at the same time - from a nightmare practical, to blinking back tired tears of frustration, feeling replaced and discarded, wanting nothing more than to just get home and not have to endure train delay after delay, trudging back in the dark with only a tower of work waiting that was meant to be done yesterday.

Just as I was ready to give up I glanced out of the window. It took my breath away. Pearly, pink skies reflecting on the tranquil ocean. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the bigger picture, of who is in control of it all, of who's purposes for me are perfect!

Yes, I cried when I got home (mostly in relief to finally have the day end) but it was cleansing, a release of exhaustion. And of course he held me and spoke such truth with love into all that I had been struggling with. His gentle care, his comforting wisdom, his understanding, his encouragement and support were just what I needed. He brought back perspective. He always reminds me of what is truly important and to keep my gaze on eternity.

A steaming bath, warm pyjama's, tea (of course), and chocolate after this long and hard day have also helped a smidgen :) 

True rest.

" The heart of man is restless until it finds its rest in Thee."

{Saint Augustine} 

Sometimes I find myself living in a world of wishful thinking. I am consumed with "What if..." or "If only..." or "When that finally happens..."

It is an existence of longing, of waiting, of searching, of daydreaming, of discontentment (if I am being brutally honest). The reason for this is because I have taken God's place in my life, I am the centre of my universe, motivated by pride and man's praise, of finding pleasure in fleeting material possessions, or empty idolatry. I want to please myself instead of being fully satisfied in the cross of Christ or finding my true fulfilment in God's will for my life.

My story is not actually my story but God's - He wrote it, He is the lead character, I am humbled at the privilege of just being able to step onto the same stage...

Our purpose is life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. I am humbled again and again to ask for God's gracious forgiveness, to turn from self toward God, to prioritize the Kingdom, to be saturated in my living, my breathing, my thinking with the Gospel as a child of God, to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus being freed by the innocent blood He shed for me, to live in the light of eternity! 

Lord, may I find my rest alone in You. 

Purpose and Perspective

As the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve I read these verses: 

"Behold, I am coming soon! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy in this book"... Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who does right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy." "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. "I, Jesus... am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."... The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.

 {Revelation 22}

This should be ever present in out minds, shaping all of life's purpose and perspective... living in the light of eternity... "Come Lord Jesus" COME!