A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.  

Forgotten in the corner.

That feeling. When your heart seems to stop beating, sinking lower, down to the depths of dark self-pity. The loneliness creeps in, its silent tendrils slowly surrounding you, ensnaring you with its cold bitterness and quiet rage. Forgotten in the corner. Discarded without a thought. Left behind while the world keeps turning round and round.

I watch you in the distance. I see your smiles. I hear your laughter. I can almost touch your joy, but I have not been invited in. You have not included me in your memories, but shut me out, alone and abandoned. It hurts not be a part of what I once was so vital in, a friendship unravelled, left in the shadows to pick up the pieces of shredded string. You have moved on into the sunshine, carefree and happy, but please, please don't forget me as I try to live without you. 

forgotten

Forgotten. Left behind. She felt as though she was alone in the world. Separated. Isolated. Forgotten.

It seemed as though she stood still while the world had continued to spin around and around, time ticking on and on... while she remained motionless. The sun rose. The sun set. And she stood still.

She struggled to find her place, where she belonged. She saw all her loved ones having a brilliant time - without her. Was she waiting for invitations that would never come? Did they not remember? Did they not know that she was stuck, lost, forgotten...?

Tears flowed, sorrow overwhelmed, loneliness washed over her - its waves relentless, crashing and tumbling over her, again and again. The water was cold while the sun shone on. The waves kept coming and coming,  drowning her in furious self pity. The anger within her raged, a dark swirling mass of bitterness and hatred. It filled her, choking her, ripping at her heart. The wind howled - its icy, skeletal crawls piercing her. She huddled in a heap - vulnerable, insecure, crying.

But then he came along. He was cruel in his clarity and compassion. He made her see that she was the one who had forgotten. She had forgotten her friends. She had forgotten what real love is: self-giving, selflessness, self-sacrifice. He made her take her eyes off of herself and to look to others first. She had to be a friend to have a friend. She dried her tears and took a step .forward - no more waiting The storm had passed.

The emotion of the hour

She had not yet realized that she had been secretly counting done the days until he would leave her. Its imminent arrival was rapidly approaching. Her dread grew. The heart ache dawned anew. The tears welled in her saddened eyes. The terrible, sweeping emotions of the coming loneliness and desperation and fear and hurting overflowed.

“But not yet...” she hopelessly whispered to her lost self. And continued her counting. 

When I fail as a friend

Friendship.

So much bound up into one word. Hope, dreams, memories, joy, comfort, encouragement, safety, support, loneliness blown away, laughter, love...

This week my person has been away. While I may seem ridiculous for the insanity I have felt while he has been away, it is also reasonable (from my point of view of course!) His absence has left a gargantuan void... a painful aching, a desperate longing, an aimless drifting, a deep, deep hurt.

It is as though my foundation has been ripped out from underneath my feet, I am floundering, falling...
When he is with me it is so much easier to love. To care. To help. But now with my lack of strength, his love to feed me, I am so hungry that I have felt as though I cannot feed anyone else.

My friends have been exhausting. They are hurt. And my sudden rudeness, even abandonment, has them bewildered. When I have no energy how can I let them drain me dry? Why do I have to be the strong one? Always there for them, giving, giving, giving even when I don't have anything left to give... I am empty.

But then I remember what true friendship is - self sacrifice, selflessness, self giving - especially when it seems impossible and life is more difficult than you could ever imagine. To love and keep on loving. Even when you are sore and tired. Standing firm. Helping them up. There for them when they need it the most. For one day, they will be there to stand with me, to help me up...

Lost. Lonely.

He is gone. And I am sitting at the table. Books open, tea steaming, pencil in hand. But just sitting. All is still. I am sitting. Lost. Lonely.

I feel as though I am drifting aimlessly. I cannot make up my mind, I cannot act, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. An obsession? Or my greatest need fulfilled now vacant? Lost. Lonely.

Sudden heaving and the battling against tears begins. A crushing, a tumbling, a suffocating, a weariness, a desperation, a fear, a longing, an aching… Lost. Lonely.

And then it subsides. My mind clears. My heart keeps beating. I will be okay. Not alright, but okay. And that is just fine. For when he is away I will always feel lost and lonely, but it just makes me realize how much I love him and appreciate all that he is.

No longer feeling completely lost or lonely.