A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.  

The life of a dancer

The pain that comes from scabs being repeatedly ripped off, blood smeared across the wooden floors, constant wearying stiffness, burning exhaustion, the pounding of your heart, sweat pouring down your face as you try harder and harder, pushing past the exhaustion, frustrated at your body's weakness, the agony that accompanies each 'effortless' step, and bruises that will last for weeks to come... Yes, the dancing show is rushing upon us and the nerves, the excitement, the anticipation are rising! 

dance it out

Waiting under dark clouds for the rain, 

hoping lightning strikes a change,

As history gets lost, 

and as I took my final breath I felt alive

Meeting God to stand in line, not alone.

Nowhere to go, 

I'm not leaving, I'm not going,

I'm not kissing you goodbye.  

 {Lyrics - The Used} 

Sometimes all I have to do is dance it out of my system... the pain, confusion, frustration, anger, shame, stubborness, disappointment. After a day that seems to have dragged on forever, one that has been quite miserable, of my own selfish doing, dancing is what I needed to do.

Dancing so hard that you can barely hear the music over your rasping breath and cannot feel your bruising feet any longer. And when your heart finally begins to slow, when your breathing quietens, when the song comes to and end and the sweat drips off your face... you realise that everything is going to be alright. 

{Oh yes! I have just seen the dancing poster for our upcoming show... it is magnificent! As soon as they are printed I will post it!}

Dancing is poetry in motion*

My older sister has always loved dancing. For years she pleaded with my mother and was the first of us sisters to join Rhythm Productions Dance Centre, with my then tiny, younger sister of three years next and finally me. We had no idea that years later we would all still be dancing and loving every moment!  

Dancing for me is a form of expression - I may not be the most talented, the strongest or most flexible, but I have passion - a light that shines forth from within. When you see that glow on someone's face you cannot tear your gaze away...

Nothing is more wonderful, yet terrifying, than performing... you are standing in the darkened wings of the stage, the number before you a blur... you are totally focussed, heart pounding with fear and excitement, sweat dripping down your back... you see the heavy velvet curtain rise, you feel the beat of the music flow through you, blinded by the bright lights are you step on stage... this is your moment!

It is always over so quickly. When you strike your final pose of your final performance and the rush of adrenaline suddenly disappears, you feel a sense of exhilaration, disbelief, disappointment. Hour upon hour rehearsing for months on end, only to be over after a few minutes on stage. It is surreal. 

I have the opportunity of dancing for a company called Grace. This icy morning, while the rain poured down, we re-learned a piece of choreography that we performed more than a year ago at the Artscape theatre for an upcoming show. The laughter, the confusion, how it all comes back, how we so candidly tease each other, rely on one another, how all our different personalities are able to combine, bringing out each other's strengths, covering one another's weaknesses - we are a family :)

It is worth the early mornings and the late nights. It is worth the sacrifices we have to make - the sore bodies, the burning legs, the gasping breath, the agonizingly stiff muscles, the blisters, the bruises, the bleeding feet. When you have to push yourself to the very limit of your abilities, to the breaking point, in order to achieve something beautiful, the end result is indescribably worth it all. It is a small glimpse of perfection, the sheer joy  of being able to simply dance, the roaring applause of appreciation, the pride of your teacher and memories made with friends. 

Dancing is about creativity, commitment, pain, a story being told, growth, challenges, respect, relationships being built, freedom, life, worship, giving glory to God...

relationships.

Relationships. I have learned a lot. Been pulled and pushed beyond belief. I have been challenged me to my very core. I have been melted down and remoulded. I have been cut and burned. It has hurt. I have been broken. It has been wonderful. It has changed me. And it has been the most amazing time of my life.

Relationships. Sharing my life with you. My every day fairytale come to life. A wonder. A dream. My greatest joy, privilege and pleasure. 

But. It has also been the most sorrowful, heart breaking, devastating, shattering experience for me. 

Relationships are hard, hard work. They are messy and confusing. They are full of misunderstandings. But without all of this they would be pointless. Here are a few things that I have learned from the past two (the BEST two!) years of my life:

(This may not be the most exciting post, but hopefully, at least a little bit, insightful!)

Your person is your best friend. Fullstop. They are the one with whom you are desperate to spend every waking moment. With them life is easy, light-hearted, fun, carefree - simply enjoy spending time together! They make you laugh, they smile and you know what they are thinking, they understand, you can just sit in silence for hours and be content. Those special, romantic evenings are lovely, but they are not everyday life. It is about really knowing your person even better than they know themselves (really!) Your person should make you feel safe and secure, precious and beautiful, totally comfortable - even when you are just sitting on the couch, no makeup, hair a mess, in your worn, old pjs watching your favourite series. You should be able to do nothing with your person and be happy. I think that every lasting relationship is built firstly on the solid foundation of friendship.

Without constant, honest COMMUNICATION your relationship is dead. How often have fights happened because we misheard something, or did not get the full picture? (And you will fight - often!) You have to speak to each other - all the time! About the tiny things as much as the huge things. Being genuinely interesting in what happened in their day, taking the time to know and care about the people in their life, their hopes, their dreams, their heartaches, their stresses, their fears... It is important to share your heart with your person... but this is terrifying! Yes, you will be vulnerable... dependent on them - but that is true intimacy, two hearts joined into one, needing that person like you have never needed another human being before. This can only be based on trust. There may be no doubts, no lies, no half-heartedness. You are meant to support, encourage, admonish, grow each other. When you fall down they pick you up, when you are broken they put you back together. Love must overflow - and with it grace and much forgiveness. But with talking also comes LISTENING! You are walking this road of life together, hand-in-hand. 

It is truly the little things: making them a cup of coffee while they're studying, a hand written note, buying their favourite chocolate, texting a Bible verse they had just read that struck them, holding hands as you go for a walk with the dog, letting them choose the music in the car, a quick "just because I'm thinking of you" phonecall, giving them a hug after a long day, praying with you every evening before they say goodnight, saying "I love you" at every possible moment... there are a million moments in the day where you can make your person feel special and show them that you care. It can honestly make their day. Appreciate them and say THANK-YOU! 

In perfect symmetry, you should be able to let the (annoying) little things go: don't fight over something, that in all honestly, is not important (speaking to myself). Don't get irate about the silly things that don't matter. It will save you much time, energy and immature, angry tears. (Said as politely as possible: grow-up!)

On a more serious note: a relationship must have a purpose. It must be INTENTIONAL. You must both know where you are going and why - and you should both want to go there! It does not matter how much you may like, or even love, that person. It does not matter how much fun you have together. It does not even matter if you want to get to know the person better. It is about preparing for a serious, committed, faithful, Christ-honouring (and Lord willing!) LIFELONG relationship. Yes. Marriage. Or else what is the point? Sharing your life, your heart, your deepest being with another person... just because you "like them", "have fun together", "want to get to know them"? That sounds rather selfish and immature. Relationships are SERIOUS. Make sure that you are both willing to take the risk... or be patient, pray, wait, just be friends (I said it!), so as to possibly avoid future heartbreak. Is a fling really worth all the tears? All the pain? (But yes, I know, it may take a few tries until you find THE ONE... but please guard your heart, please...) 

Most importantly: You are a team - you have to be! It is not about you. And even though you will have to SACRIFICE much, putting the other person before yourself, giving, giving and giving some more, it is not even about them. It is all about God. Together you are a WITNESS - the gospel personified. God should be at the centre. He is what should hold you together. He will never let you down - His love will NEVER FAIL. He displays the perfect example of love, of forgiveness, of grace, of holiness, of purity, of sacrifice. The purpose of any and ALL relationships is sanctification - to be made more like Christ. (Fullstop.) And ultimately to GLORIFY GOD. 

come Home

People often ask me, "How can God be both a loving Father and a righteous Judge?"

A related question is, "And why is there suffering?"

Just a few words:

God is sovereign and in perfect control of everything that happens- and good and the bad. That is phenomenal! (If one truly understands what that means...)

This gives us hope and comfort - for even if we are undergoing hardships, we know that it is part of God's perfect will for our lives - He is in control! It is not merely the result of chance, or randomness, or fate or anything else - for then there is no point or purpose to it all... no reason means no hope or comfort. 

And while it may seem like pure insanity, because of the fact that God is sovereign, we can rejoice in trials, endure, persevere in hardships (Romans 5:1-4, Hebrews 10:23, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 4:12-14, 19).

But then what is the point, or purpose, of our suffering?

 C.S Lewis wrote in the book "The Problem of Pain" this: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

The first point of suffering is salvation. God is calling you home! It is better for one to suffer here for years, if it opens their eyes and causes them to repent and so experience eternal blessing in the future -life after death! And so when one looks at suffering in that light, then it is actually a blessing - God speaking to you in your pain, calling you back to Himself, His graciousness in working in your life through loss and heart-breaking times, showing us that not is all right in our lives... "God is too wise and loving to make any mistakes."

“In a word, suffering destroys our self delusion that we are in control, that we are demi-gods: when we suffer, we know where we are and it’s not at the centre of the universe. Thus, whilst suffering (be it physical, natural or emotional), is an effect of evil, being a privation of the good, it can lead us to a recognition of our creaturely place in the universe and hence to find out true "orientation".”

Painful experiences are God’s gracious reminders that earth is not our true home.

On an aside: One needs to have the correct definition of love!

It is more than just 'mere kindness' - but rather real love looks out for the best interests of the beloved, sometimes requiring the inflicting of a painful experience – like a father disciplining his child. If we, with our selfish and finite minds, asked God to take away pain we would be asking Him to love us less. The ultimate goal of this ‘perfecting’ is redemption (coming to Know God personally), because what is best for all of humanity is God – we were created by Him, for Him and will only be content, or truly happy, when we are with Him.

"Love, in its own nature, demands the perfecting of the beloved; that the mere 'kindness' which tolerates anything except suffering in its object is, in that respect, at the opposite pole from Love...Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal." (Also written by C.S. Lewis in the 'Problem of Pain') 

The second point of suffering is sanctification. One may ask, "But I am saved - so why am I still suffering?" Suffering refines our faith, tests us, purifies us, makes us more like Christ! Just as Jesus suffered, so as His followers, we fellow in His footsteps (Matthew 5:10-12, 2 Timothy 3:12, 1 Peter 1:3-9)

Jesus too, innocently suffered, horrifically crucified on the cross, in my place, in your place, taking our deserved punishment so that we don't have to. Instead, because of His suffering, we do not have to suffer for all of eternity! We can enter a right relationship with God, and when our life one day ends, we can come Home...

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.

He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." (Revelation 21:3-7)