Darling

Sunday evening. The weekend is coming to a close. These last few hours are always a mixture of too many things... the sad feelings of knowing that an early morning awaits, of rushing around to finish off your mounds of work and finally admitting defeat for the day and all the great plans that you had made. It is about making sure that you haven't forgotten anything important, but feeling like you have... of whispered conversations on the couch, attempting to hold onto this precious inbetween moment, wrapped in blankets and the warm glow of love, sipping hot chocolate and listening to the rain thunder in the winter darkness.  It is a time of wanting to go to bed early and drift off gently into blissful unconsciousness, yet wanting to stay up late as though tomorrow will never come...

A family tradition is to make pancakes on a Sunday evening after church. Right now I can hear my darling mixing the batter in the kitchen next door, accompanied by the sweet smell of cinnamon, while I finish off my studying. And somehow I feel like I may just make it through this next week...

a moment's reflection

You are the hole in my head 

You are the space in my bed 

You are the silence in between 

What I thought and what I said 

You are the night-time fear 

You are the morning when it's clear... 

You're my head 

You're my heart

 {Florence + The Machine}

I often find myself reflecting on how blessed I am. Truly blessed. Often one gets so caught up in life, the everyday rushings, the swirling of time around us. It does not stop, it waits for no one. And we run and we run to just try and keep up. That is when we must stop, when we must wait, for just a moment, and reflect. The now is not what is really important, it is the future, the eternal future. Perspective.

Looking up from underneath 

Fractured moonlight light on the sea, 

Reflections still look the same to me, 

As before I went under 

And it's peaceful in the deep, 

Cause either way you cannot breathe, 

No need to pray, no need to say 

Now I am under 

And it's breaking over me, 

A thousand miles down to the sea bed, 

I found the place to rest my head. 

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, 

And all this devotion was rushing over me, 

And the question of heaven, 

for a sinner like me, 

But the arms of the ocean deliver me. 

Never let me go, never let me go...

{Florence + The Machine} 

I am incredibly grateful to have the people that I have surrounding me, supporting me, loving me. I do not want to take them for granted, I want to appreciate them, treasure them, cherish them - like they do for me. It is difficult not to become overwhelmed with it all - especially with the insanity of varsity having started up again - and to forget how blessed I really am. Now, in this very moment, and even better, in my eternal future.

Purpose and Perspective

As the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve I read these verses: 

"Behold, I am coming soon! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy in this book"... Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who does right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy." "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. "I, Jesus... am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."... The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.

 {Revelation 22}

This should be ever present in out minds, shaping all of life's purpose and perspective... living in the light of eternity... "Come Lord Jesus" COME!  

Thinking of you*

Time. It goes too quickly. It goes too slowly. Too little. Too much.

During these long summer days one would wish for them to stretch out before oneself with no end in its glorious sight, filled with happiness, contentment, warmth and joy...

Yet for me, I wish for the days to pass with haste, longing to see him, reunited with my best friend, my love. Every thing he writes to me stirs up a painful wanting, an aching heart, a wishing to be by his side, to hold his hand, to simply be there with him...

I have been keeping myself busy by:

1. Trying not to think about him - I fail every second of every single day (he is part of me).
2. Watching Pride and Prejudice (for possibly the hundredth time - never too many!) - may just be my favourite love story of all time* (which makes me think of him).
3. Mindless television - movies, series, reality shows... (trying not to think about him) while relaxing on the couch.
4. Lounging by the poolside, on a chaise, shading my eyes as I read a good book (romance, crime, murder mysteries, legal thrillers, anything - trying not to think of him!) or dangling my feet into the cool water, enjoying the calming waterfall flow.
5. Curling up with a soft, warm blanket as it rains so gently outside, the puppies at my feet vying for affection, letting music wash over me, pure laziness (and thinking - if only he were here...)
6. Attempting to cook and indulging in luxurious baking (thinking of how he loves to bake with me, teach me how to cook the most scrumptious, comfort foods, then grab me around the waist and waltz across the floor, twirling me round and round, dizzy with delight!)
7. Spending time with my family, laughing and laughing (but thinking that someone is missing...)

Please come home soon... for I am thinking of you always*

the days drag by...

"Time stretched from desperate minutes into aching hours, and then on into an unseen dawn and another day."

{Horwood} 

The reason

I have attempted many blogs for various reasons, but this blog was started as a dedication to my person – when he went away. My person has gone away again – but this time for the longest time, longer than any other, a few weeks...

I had thought that the agony of nine endless days would be heartache enough, yet as I gaze into the desolate awaiting hours tears fall as loneliness descends and the quietness takes over. Empty, empty hours.

How does one eloquently express the emotions of fear, of sheer sadness, of overwhelming sorrow? Is it best said with letters of love or beautiful poems? Maybe with ceaseless tears... for cry is all that I am able to do...

The reason for this blog is him. 

it has come to an end

Space and time. Stretching out before her. Endless. Suffocating darkness. Running and running and running... screaming pain, searing exhaustion, stumbling forward, a drunken dance. Shadows loom ahead of her, but she runs and runs and runs... the gasping, the struggling, the fear, the tears. Her outstretched arms grasp at the immaterial, her hands claw at the fleeting. It is slipping away.

She runs and runs and runs and...

Time has run out.