hands held

Tightness. Suffocation. Gasping for air, struggling to breathe. Choked with tears and sorrow.

But then he holds my hands. We bow our hands. We pray.

And suddenly... I can breathe again. 

a moment

There are moments, moments of startling clarity. Sharp. Bright. Illuminating. A ray of blinding white light in the darkest possible room. It cuts. It draws blood. It heals. It forgives. It completes. It evokes an overflowing of tears. The clearest realization. Full of quiet hopes and dreams and secrets and trusts. Love. Whole hearted, cannot-live-without-you love. 

Love. 

The emotion of the hour

She had not yet realized that she had been secretly counting done the days until he would leave her. Its imminent arrival was rapidly approaching. Her dread grew. The heart ache dawned anew. The tears welled in her saddened eyes. The terrible, sweeping emotions of the coming loneliness and desperation and fear and hurting overflowed.

“But not yet...” she hopelessly whispered to her lost self. And continued her counting. 

A fluid stream of hopes and dreams*

Standing in the shadow of the wings. Silence descends backstage and all quietens around me. All I can heard is the blood pounding in my veins, the rush of adrenaline, the shouts of the coming performance. 

The curtains open. The lights come on. The stage gleams with a thousand possibilities. 

My heart beat quickens, by breath catches. I feel a drop of sweat trickle down my back. My pulse picks up. 

The music starts. The beat moves through me and the melody beckons. It all flows, a fluid stream of hopes and dreams to be expressed as the body moves in visible poetry. My soul is stirred, my spirit revived, my heart sings its secret song. I take one last breath. False eyelashes in place, hair pulled back, glitter sparkling, lips rubied... and I take one last step. 

I dance. 

the place of Honour

Once again I was struck by what true love really is. It is astonishing. It makes you heart beat faster and takes your breath away. It was seen at a beautiful wedding this weekend, in a glance, a sweet kiss, a hand being held.

It was all said in there vows and reflected in the speeches. It wasn't about the stunning, radiant bride clothed in the purest white, her veil dancing in the wind, or the handsome young groom, his face shining with uncontainable joy as his beloved glided down the aisle. It was all about Jesus! 

Jesus sat in the place on honour. His name was gloried. 

[True love is not cheap, or easy, or about you, sex, money, whatever... It is counter-cultural in every single way: selfless, self-giving, self-sacrificing, as seen in the ultimate example of Jesus' innocent death on the cross to save a sinful, undeserving, rebellious world...]

They said things like, together they could better serve the Lord, together they could better minister to the world, together they could better fulfil the Great Commission. They spoke of how their wedding feast was just a glimpse of the majestic banquet to come - a shadow...

One day, Jesus Christ would return for His bride, the church. If you have been washed by His blood, cleansed by the cross, forgiven and made new, you would stand holy, blameless, pure before the Father - like a bride clothed in brilliant white. They spoke of how God has invited us to the the greatest wedding of all time... and how it says "Have you been cleansed by the blood of the Lamb?" Have you responded to the Gospel?!

How challenging. How encouraging. What an example! This is how it is meant to be...

"After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting: "Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God... Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!... These are the true words of God." "

 {Rev 19:1, 7-9}

the journey

"We became friends. Then we became lovers. Then we just became."

[JD Robb - Nora Roberts] 

Magic*

Excitement* 

After almost three years our Christmas tree has finally gone up! And, once again, here is what made my day magical:

1. The smell of pine needles.
2. A large red ribbon tied around our tree.
3. Warm, freshly baked chewy, chocolate chuck cookies, popcorn and mugs of tea and coffee :)
4. A thousand twinkling lights - but first trying to untangle them... 
5. Golden bells tinkling.
6. Ornaments from our around-the-world travels (every glance is rich with precious memories, special moments in every touch)*
7. Heritage and family traditions: the candles, Austrian angels, American wreaths, German nutcrackers, nativity scene, shining stars, wooden rocking horses, African beads, spicy cinnamon sticks...
8. Singing along to Christmas carols (and maybe, just maybe, dancing around the room with reckless abandon!) 
9. The "children's" Christmas stockings hung up along the fireplace. 
10. Stretching to place the angel at the very top of the tree - terrified that you are going to know the whole this over!
11. Family :)
12. Most importantly: the birth of the world's Saviour! The Messiah, sovereign, ruling King, the Lord of Grace, Love incarnate... born as a babe, born to die... so that we can have everlasting life! Hallelujah! 

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." 

{Isaiah 9:6}

this morning

She awoke to swirling grey skies and heavy clouds. The ocean was still, mirroring her quietened spirit. Weak rays of light stretched across the rolling dark blue. The wind blew crisp and cool. She reluctantly removed herself from her warm blankets and placed one foot onto the floor below.

my summer adventure

[I really seem to be enjoying making these lists... so here is another!] Yesterday's summer sunshine adventure took us to the Old Biscuit Mill Market close to town, then the beautiful beach and finally the Italian Ice Cafe here in Kalk-Bay...

1.              Sunscreen. Sunscreen. And then a little more sunscreen. (It is the official smell of summer).
2.              Sandals, painted toenails, flowy, floral dresses and long, wavy hair swept up into swishing ponytails are all a part of summer beauty*
3.              Roll down the windows and put the volume up.
4.              Holding hands is still just simply amazing.
5.              You need a camera (fullstop).
6.              In times of sensory ecstasy, just stop, stand still and take it all in: the freshly picked flowers, flickering candles, brilliant colours, the mouth watering smells, the delicacies of cakes, cheeses, jams, olives, pizzas, pestos, bagels, wines... and let the feast begin!
7.              People watching is fascinating.
8.              Move out of your comfort zone – try something new.
9.              Do not forget to bring your wallet, and it helps if you set a limit on your spending... or else you will be walking home :)
10.          Finding a place to sit in throngs of excited people can be, let’s just say, difficult.
11.          In the intense summer heat nothing refreshes like a smoothie: berry, lemon n mint, orange n mango...
12.          “I want it ALL!”
13.          Humungous, fluffy beach towels are awesome.
14.          iPod, waterbottle, lipbalm, flip flops, sunnies and a good book make for a great beach day :)
15.          Beach sand gets everywhere.
16.          One cannot describe the feeling of running and diving into the ocean waves – pure pleasure.
17.          Do not fall asleep in the sunshine.
18.          Every day can be a Coldplay day.
19.          Do not expect to get a perfect tan in one day – you have the whole vacation to get it just right.
20.          Ice-cream and sorbet must be part of a summer day (big smile).
21.          Browsing through vintage stores can make you covet like never before ;)
22.          A cool shower on a hot day is glorious.
23.          Sitting outside with the family, watching the sunset, eating little deli sandwiches from the market, is wonderful.
24.          After a busy day you sleep deeply and dreamlessly.  

A second list.

After surviving my first week of "vacation" - one of the busiest and most stressful of the year - I have another list of 'lesson's learnt' from graduation last night:

1. Smile sincerely for the camera - you will be looking at those photos for a lifetime and beyond. 
2. Happiness and excitement are contagious.
3. Relax and enjoy yourself - this is your night!
4. Nothing makes a girl feel more glamourous (and confident) than a spritz of her favourite perfume*
5. Yes, wearing a sweeping, black graduation gown does make you feel like batman. It is part of the awesome experience.
6. Your family and friends will clap and scream (much to your embarrassment) - so blush and keep walking with your head held high (you deserve the praise!)
7. Keeping a bottle of iced tea in your bag is sure to save a hot, dehydrate life.
8. Help out wherever you can.
9. When receiving your degree shake hands firmly.
10. Practise walking in your heels before the evening - tripping up the stairs is not an option.
11. Your outfit is not complete unless your nails have been painted a brilliant colour.
12. Say congratulations - and mean it! 
13. If a moment of complete chaos, take a deep breath, stay calm and collected - the situation can be controlled.
14. Eat plenty of cake and drink lots of tea.
15. Even washing up hundreds of teacups with friends can be fun.
16. A vintage dress is simply just more amazing than something brand new. 
17. Hugs all around :)
18. CELEBRATE!
19. Don't forget to say all your goodbyes and thank-you's.
20. No better feeling than falling exhausted into bed after a wonderful day!

How to be a lady

Lessons learnt from last night's Christmas social - and other things too:

1.  The more mascara the better. Nothing more beautiful than long, curly eyelashes.
2. Black satin gloves and lace, lace, lace are timeless.
3. Walk as if you own the world.
4. Posture is everything. 
5. Smile as if you know all the secrets.
6. Do not just be pretty but polite too. Listen.
7. Give honest, heartfelt compliments - they can make someone's evening.
8. Laugh. A lot.
9. Always keep your shimmering lip gloss nearby. 
10. Glowing candles and twinkling lights create a stunning, romantic atmosphere* 
11. Have the right mood music - this can make or break an evening.
12. Decorate with passion and be creative.
13. Everybody loves Christmas trees. And chocolate mousse too :)
14. Take plenty of photographs - and have fun doing it!
15. Think: elegance. Think: grace.
16. Share a special moment with your person - a thank-you, a slow dance, a kiss, a wonderful goodnight*

Dawn will come...

Heads hang heavy with the maddening constancy of fear. All time and space has ceased to exist - the days all melding into one unending cycle of books and boredom. Losing track of all reality outside of your isolation. Alone. Left behind. The door is closed - to your hopes, your dreams. They have flown away - to freedom, to life beyond four walls.

But the window... the window is opening... and light, the purest light is streaming in to the darkest night. Dawn will come, wings will stretch and the breeze will take you home.

a numb mind

A haze of confusion.  A terrible doubt. A creeping fear. Something about...

A slow, a painful step.

A stumble, a turn, a lurch, a fall.

Round and round and round and round...

Down and down and down and down...

When would it end? The chaos, the hurt? The mind numbing questions? 

the girl and the sun

Dappled sunlight filtering through the outstretched branches of the tree above her.  The grass her bed, the flowers her blanket, her daydreams her pillow and her happiness the stillness of the day drawing to a close.

Her song was contentment. Unwavering and true.

Quietly, quietly the leaves whispered and swirling clouds sang. A picture painted in the sky with long, soft strokes of an artist’s lingering touch.  

Staring up at the endless expanse her solitude was magnified. Her insignificance a terrifying comfort. So small, yet worth more that the world itself. The Creator would die for her so that she could live forever... rampant musings dancing through her head as dusk descended. A twinge of pink, a blush of orange, a golden glow and mellowing blue...

The sun would the return to the curve of the spinning Earth, retreating to her slumber, only to return once again.

The light fades and night has come. 

tide and tear*

"Until the sea of glass we meet,

at last completed and complete.

Where tide and tear and pain subside,

and laughter drinks them dry.”

a post it*

Honestly. I have lost count of how many weeks (more like months!) it has been there, stuck to my laptop, a post-it from my person saying “I really really love you.” Every morning when I turn on my laptop first thing, I see it and smile, knowing that there is someone who loves me.

[I may just frame my post-it and keep it forever. Or maybe my person instead – he can then tell me every day – which he does!]