therefore i have Hope

Another month has come and gone. The sun rises earlier and earlier, lighting my way, a golden glow down a broken path. Long days and even longer nights. But reading this filled me with a quiet strength, a shining peace, an encouragement to keep on walking... the Son is just ahead. 

"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the the salvation of the Lord."

{Lamentations 3:21-26}

Without this most amazing assurance and comfort I would have nothing. 

 

 

To my Person: I am a complete person, but with you I am whole

To my Person.

A year. Has passed in the twinkling of an eye, a stolen kiss, a quick smile. Paradoxically it seems as though I have known you forever.

I look back...surprised! Overjoyed! Unbelieving at what this past year has brought. In the untamed fantasies of my infinite imagination I could never have dreamt this wonder for myself.

The pain and hurt it took to get where we are now has been worth every sleepless night and fallen tear. God brought us together – despite my greatest fears and doubts, my hesitancy and bitterness. My heart was broken, but you picked up the pieces and put me back together – more beautiful than before.

I am a complete person, but with you I am whole.

You are not just my boyfriend...you are my BEST friend! (How perfect is that?!)

You are what I would have wished for myself if I had known what to wish for. I am eternally grateful, forever thankful for you and you’re all consuming, passionate, safe and secure love.

It is the little things – which are actually the big things! Waking up before the sun has risen, making me breakfast and lunch, walking me beneath the stars to the train station – each and every single morning! (I want to watch every sunrise with you by my side) The quiet, thoughtful texts and messages. Scrawled love letters, unexpected gifts. Waiting on the platform with a chocolate in your hand. Walking the dog together in the summer sunshine. Supper every evening with the family. Napping on the couch. Making my tea just the way I like it. Watching series – while you fall asleep. Baking the most delicious chocolate chip cookies. Telling me that I am beautiful when I am in my pjs and wearing no makeup. Holding hands as we pray late at night. Those ‘non-special’ things of living life every day that are the most special! You’re kindness, generousity, patience, forgiveness, humour, encouragement, godliness, holding me accountable – keeping God at the centre – wow, I feel so blessed to have you! The hugs, the kisses, the tear wiping, the laughing... You make me want to be the best person I can be – you have changed me, in the most phenomenal way. You are my strength, my support. I would not have survived this year without you.

Every day is another day spent with you, until there are no days left.  Spending my life with you is beyond incredible, beyond wonderful, beyond amazing...*

Only one thing left to say: I love you.

a text

*beep beep*

It reads, 

"Thank you. 

Thank you for being the one I have always wanted, but the one I actually always needed. Thank-you for being the one I liked, but actually always the one I loved. Thank-you for being you, when it is you that I love and not the woman the world says I should love. Thank-you for taking my breath and keeping it. Thank-you for stealing my heart but actually keeping it safe and alive in a better place. Thank-you for 1 year, that could only be better if doubled. I love you and cannot wait to double, to extend my all with you.

I love you.

A lot."

(He is amazing) 

 

 

he is my home

he is back. i have no reason to blog anymore. for every moment of every day i can show and speak my love to him. it is beyond incredible. i am so in love it is actually unbelievable. he takes my breath away. my dreams have become even better reality. thank-you Lord. for the rest of my life, spent in awe and gratitude, i will say thank-you!

True Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. 

But the greatest of these is love."

{1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13}

How true is this of you? But how true is this of our Heavenly Father! 

Waiting for the rain to come and wash away my tears

 His love is like the rain. It refreshes. It rejoices. It rejuvenates the soul. It heals. It forgives by washing all the hurt and hate, impatience and anger away. It cleanses. It purifies. It grows. It is needed. I cannot survive without it. It is life-giving. And so, whenever it rains, I stare up at the sky, kissed by its showering tears, and think of him. 

When I fail as a friend

Friendship.

So much bound up into one word. Hope, dreams, memories, joy, comfort, encouragement, safety, support, loneliness blown away, laughter, love...

This week my person has been away. While I may seem ridiculous for the insanity I have felt while he has been away, it is also reasonable (from my point of view of course!) His absence has left a gargantuan void... a painful aching, a desperate longing, an aimless drifting, a deep, deep hurt.

It is as though my foundation has been ripped out from underneath my feet, I am floundering, falling...
When he is with me it is so much easier to love. To care. To help. But now with my lack of strength, his love to feed me, I am so hungry that I have felt as though I cannot feed anyone else.

My friends have been exhausting. They are hurt. And my sudden rudeness, even abandonment, has them bewildered. When I have no energy how can I let them drain me dry? Why do I have to be the strong one? Always there for them, giving, giving, giving even when I don't have anything left to give... I am empty.

But then I remember what true friendship is - self sacrifice, selflessness, self giving - especially when it seems impossible and life is more difficult than you could ever imagine. To love and keep on loving. Even when you are sore and tired. Standing firm. Helping them up. There for them when they need it the most. For one day, they will be there to stand with me, to help me up...

I love you more!

Nothing is more annoying (and wonderful!) when I say, “Babe, I love you” and he says, “I love you more!”

Every night he has been away*

I turn off the lights. I get into bed. I close my eyes. Darkness. Sleepless.

But then he calls me. And he prays with me over the phone. Listening to his voice I blink back tears. So happy, so sad. He says I love you and goodnight.

Then I close my eyes. Darkness. I fall asleep to the sound of the rain on my window. 

What love is this?

“My Lord, what love is this? That pays so dearly? That I, the guilty one, may go free?

Amazing love, oh what sacrifice, the Son of God, given for me,

My debt He paid and my death He dies, that I might live,

That I might live...”

for a friend*

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having 

neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, 

chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping 

what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." 

George Eliot

{Thank-you most amazing Talitha*}

the Centre

The key to a successful, balanced, put-in-the-right-perspective, lasting relationship is God. Or rather, God at the centre - in His rightfully deserved place!

One of the many, many things I admire about my person is his love of the gospel, his passion for the Word, his desire for ministry! He encourages me, keeps me accountable, grows me in my faith - and that is all that one can wish for in a real relationship - someone to help you on your difficult journey of faith, hand-in-hand, on the road to eternity. 

Sometimes when I get caught up in the romance and the fantasy, he gently puts my feet back on the ground, firm, solid reality. He often tells me, "Do not make me or marriage an idol." The breath just leaves me. What a terrifying thought - mainly because it is so incredibly easy, even tempting, to make that one person your obsession, your everything, the most important...

Dearest person: thank-you for making me strive for godliness, humility and God's glory every day! (The biggest reason why I love you).

 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind." Luke 10:27

An orange blossom realization

I open the door to my bedroom. The sweetest scent of orange blossoms surrounds me. I can almost feel him holding my hand. Almost...

Staring at the little white flowers I think about him. Sudden, startling waves of sadness crushingly wash over me. I struggle to breathe. I try to smile, but battle stinging tears instead. 

I have come to realize over these past two days (has it really only been two days?!), to an even greater depth, that I cannot live without him. He is like the fragrance of my orange blossoms - warm, comforting, caring, beautiful - he surrounds me with his love. 

He makes me happy. And flowers are just not a good enough replacement (she laughs).

come Home

People often ask me, "How can God be both a loving Father and a righteous Judge?"

A related question is, "And why is there suffering?"

Just a few words:

God is sovereign and in perfect control of everything that happens- and good and the bad. That is phenomenal! (If one truly understands what that means...)

This gives us hope and comfort - for even if we are undergoing hardships, we know that it is part of God's perfect will for our lives - He is in control! It is not merely the result of chance, or randomness, or fate or anything else - for then there is no point or purpose to it all... no reason means no hope or comfort. 

And while it may seem like pure insanity, because of the fact that God is sovereign, we can rejoice in trials, endure, persevere in hardships (Romans 5:1-4, Hebrews 10:23, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 4:12-14, 19).

But then what is the point, or purpose, of our suffering?

 C.S Lewis wrote in the book "The Problem of Pain" this: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

The first point of suffering is salvation. God is calling you home! It is better for one to suffer here for years, if it opens their eyes and causes them to repent and so experience eternal blessing in the future -life after death! And so when one looks at suffering in that light, then it is actually a blessing - God speaking to you in your pain, calling you back to Himself, His graciousness in working in your life through loss and heart-breaking times, showing us that not is all right in our lives... "God is too wise and loving to make any mistakes."

“In a word, suffering destroys our self delusion that we are in control, that we are demi-gods: when we suffer, we know where we are and it’s not at the centre of the universe. Thus, whilst suffering (be it physical, natural or emotional), is an effect of evil, being a privation of the good, it can lead us to a recognition of our creaturely place in the universe and hence to find out true "orientation".”

Painful experiences are God’s gracious reminders that earth is not our true home.

On an aside: One needs to have the correct definition of love!

It is more than just 'mere kindness' - but rather real love looks out for the best interests of the beloved, sometimes requiring the inflicting of a painful experience – like a father disciplining his child. If we, with our selfish and finite minds, asked God to take away pain we would be asking Him to love us less. The ultimate goal of this ‘perfecting’ is redemption (coming to Know God personally), because what is best for all of humanity is God – we were created by Him, for Him and will only be content, or truly happy, when we are with Him.

"Love, in its own nature, demands the perfecting of the beloved; that the mere 'kindness' which tolerates anything except suffering in its object is, in that respect, at the opposite pole from Love...Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal." (Also written by C.S. Lewis in the 'Problem of Pain') 

The second point of suffering is sanctification. One may ask, "But I am saved - so why am I still suffering?" Suffering refines our faith, tests us, purifies us, makes us more like Christ! Just as Jesus suffered, so as His followers, we fellow in His footsteps (Matthew 5:10-12, 2 Timothy 3:12, 1 Peter 1:3-9)

Jesus too, innocently suffered, horrifically crucified on the cross, in my place, in your place, taking our deserved punishment so that we don't have to. Instead, because of His suffering, we do not have to suffer for all of eternity! We can enter a right relationship with God, and when our life one day ends, we can come Home...

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.

He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." (Revelation 21:3-7)

Yesterday's feelings

In a wandering, drifting state of indecision. 

But then a friend comes by. A friend with a bag full of books, dvds, warm socks, Sea Gypsy clothes, my favourite chocolate, flowers and a "mixtape" all specially for me... as my person is away....

How amazing is my friend?! So thoughtful and loving... every day I am reminded how blessed I am to be surrounded by those who love me so very much - thank-you Lord!

My date last night: singing along to the most perfect songs on my "mixtape", smiling as I hurry into my pjs, huddle under mounds of blankets, hugging my feather pillow closely, munching chocolate and putting a Jane Austen movie in... the only thing missing was him*

So I said no to a birthday party and to going out with friends to town, no to putting on make-up and getting dressed up, no to insane noise and a late late night... for sometimes all you need is to go to bed early. I think.

A ballerina's happy ending

Today in dance class a fellow dancer, a ballet teacher, told us that spontaneously, on Spring day, she and her long time boyfriend got married! Just like that! She was glowing with happiness, radiating joy, flushed with shy pride. Her ring is simply beautiful - full of sparkly diamonds and rubies...

[And the urge to elope grows... good thing my person is away!]

A grey Saturday

My alarm goes off. I slowly open my eyes. Muted rays of sunshine filter through the closed curtains. I open them, looking out at the dark blue ocean.

A quick, happy “Good morning” message appears on my computer screen and I smile – he is amazing*

I pull on a leotard and tights, pull my hair back and fill up my water bottle.

Laughing with the girls, giggling over tales from the past week, teasing our choreographer... dying at the barre, gliding in the turns, soaring in the jumps... a small sense of freedom and weightlessness.

He picks me up. We walk the dog together, holding hands on the beach, snatching a kiss as we walk around the vlei, our sneakers crunching the dirt beneath.

Then we make a late brunch together, his arms around my waist, eggs frying in the pan, buttering toast, stirring coffee cups, squeezing fresh orange juice. We sit outside, smelling the lavender, feeling the contentment.

A lazy afternoon, working side-by-side, napping on the couch – being cradled in his arms is pure bliss.

Maybe a movie tonight, or we will bake – and he will grab me and we will waltz around the kitchen, laughing and spinning, falling down and smiling, one body..

.

But today, on this grey Saturday, I am alone, missing him more than words can express... but next Saturday, next Saturday, we will dance and walk, cook and eat, work and sleep, just be together...

Lost. Lonely.

He is gone. And I am sitting at the table. Books open, tea steaming, pencil in hand. But just sitting. All is still. I am sitting. Lost. Lonely.

I feel as though I am drifting aimlessly. I cannot make up my mind, I cannot act, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. An obsession? Or my greatest need fulfilled now vacant? Lost. Lonely.

Sudden heaving and the battling against tears begins. A crushing, a tumbling, a suffocating, a weariness, a desperation, a fear, a longing, an aching… Lost. Lonely.

And then it subsides. My mind clears. My heart keeps beating. I will be okay. Not alright, but okay. And that is just fine. For when he is away I will always feel lost and lonely, but it just makes me realize how much I love him and appreciate all that he is.

No longer feeling completely lost or lonely. 

A lullaby. A caress.

My head is on his chest. My hand on his heart. I listen to its steady beat – the vibrations pulsing through me as I drift to sleep while silver streams flow down my face. Solid. Secure. Warmth radiated from the inside out. The rising and falling, rising and falling – a lullaby. Feeling his warm, sweet breath on my face – a caress. His heart is stained with my tears.

I never want this precious moment to end, I grasp onto time as it slips through my fingers, I hold onto this love between us.

.....

I stand outside as he leaves. A final, tender, lingering kiss. The gate slams shut. I stand. But the sun still shines, the clouds still move, the wind still blows, the earth still turns... “You will come back” I think quietly to myself as I stand watching over the closed gate.

My heart aches because I miss you so. 

It is that simple. It is that profound.

“Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying...” he gently whispers to me, softly stroking my hair, soothing my fears, my overwhelming sorrows. That feeling, that indescribable, indefinable something... perhaps nothing. A hopelessness, a sort of sense of eternal loss. It is a crushing fear, a paralyzing thought. You never know when this might be your last moment. The last hug. The last kiss. The last goodbye. The last night. Together forever... or not.

Trembling sobs wrack my body – I cling to him, desperate, afraid, of things unsaid, of voices silent. I cry because I love him. It is that simple. It is that profound. It is consuming. It is everything. And without you, life seems empty, unbearable, not even worth living.

Falling in love is not happiness. Or not just happiness. It is cruelty. A fight. A struggle. It is being scared of tomorrow, it is of worrying, it is of not wanting to let that person go – for who knows when you might see them again. But it is also safety and comfort and contentment. Of gushing joy, starry eyes, actual dreams made into even better reality.

Love is undeserving. I don’t feel worthy. And yet he loves me still. Despite it all – the failing every day. It is unbelievable. I am beyond thankful – beyond thankful...

He wipes my tears and smiles, “Darling, it is only a week...” but I cannot stop. It flows uncontrolled, spilling forth from the breaking recesses of my fragile heart. Feeling vulnerable without him, “Please don’t go!” I beg. But go he must...

A week. Just seven days. Not long. Yet is stretches out before me with no end in sight. A shuddering sigh, a silver drop, a kiss goodbye.