What happened next...

I cannot believe that a week ago my best friend asked my to marry him!! (Heart bursts and joy overflows!!) Some moments it all just seems so normal and ordinary - we had known, talked about it and planned for it for so long, that while it was breathtakingly wonderful, it wasn't unexpected. But then there are moments when I am struck with awe and amazement. At his love, at our God, at my beautiful ring!! I am still in shock - you believe that it is surely coming, but when it actually happens... indescribable!! I cannot stop smiling :) (Just letting you know that Ray received the ring in the morning and by that afternoon it was on my finger - he is phenomenal!!) We are also having the most fun calling each other fiancé and fiancée (giggles like a girl in love).

The days leading up to the proposal, Ray proposing was honestly all I could think about. I had butterflies fluttering in my stomach all the time (and still do!!) It was incredible to hear from two of my best friends that literally minutes before I had told them of our engagement they had been guessing possible dates of when he would pop the question :) 

The morning after, when I awoke and realised that I was engaged, sheer happiness spread throughout me. A sense of disbelief and wonder consumed me. I suddenly seemed to remember the ring on my finger and the one who gave it to me. Reality was infinitely better than any fantasy. So thankful, so full of love, so overwhelmed. Words are just not enough. 

I love how my diamond glitters and sparkles. It captures the light and out from it shines tiny rainbows. I have started greeting friends by sticking my hand out, forcing them to admire my engagement ring (laughs). My church, varsity and dancing friends have been awesome. Their ecstasy and excitement for Ray and I is thrilling, encouraging and humbling. We know that we are truly blessed to have them in our lives (blinks back tears). Thank-you for celebrating with us!! We have received cards, chocolate, hugs, a million messages (which we must still reply too!!), advice and are booked out for coffee dates to share the story again and again :) Thank-you for the wishes, for telling us to enjoy this special time, sharing your memories of these moments, for supporting us, (for crying from happiness when you heard - you know who you are!) and for asking question after question about the wedding next year - we cannot wait either!

Our families have been just incredible!! Skyping his parents, skyping my sister in South Korea (where she and my mom have already decided that she is in charge of planning the wedding!), finally being able to showoff my ring to my dad when he returned, discussing details, dreams and ideas around the dinner table, the prayers said... it all warms our hearts. When my little sister found out last week (besides screaming and jumping up and down) the first thing she asked was what she was wearing, how her hair was going to be done, will be have red velvet cake and can she bring a friend... sisters are just precious :)  

 Our Sea Gypsy friend - who phoned, blogged about our engagement and came to visit us - brought delicious brownies and fudge from the Hope Street Market in town and my favourite macaroons from Cassis (wow!!) to celebrate. She came rushing through the gate with a stream of brightly coloured helium balloons flying behind her. Thank-you!! We cannot express how much we have appreciated you and your friendship. We are so excited to start all the wedding "stuff" searching and adventures this summer :) 

Sunday morning was the first moment where Ray and I could finally catch our breaths. We had a quiet breakfast of freshly baked breads and berry farm jam from Olympia cafe just down the road. 

I love this time of the year, when winter is slowly slipping to a close and there is a whisper of warmth just around the corner. Even the icy rain cannot dampen my mood - all I need is a warm scarf wrapped tightly around my neck and cup of coffee to keep me going. The sunrises at UCT have been glorious. I have even seen that the bare tree are beginning to bud. Riding the train home in the afternoon, breathing in the freshness of the ocean, I watch to see how the colour changes to reflect the sky. Some days it is a cold, dark grey, its inky waters storming, but other days it is a brilliant, bright blue, surfers out in the water and a breaching whale, that fills you with hope. 

Tonight was the dress rehearsal for Expressions - yes, we perform this weekend! With rehearsals every evening, the anticipation and nerves have been growing. There is shouting, tears, laughter, disappointments, adrenalin and happiness - at accomplishing something you have worked so hard for. All those hours dedicated, the pain, the rapid beating of your heart, the moment when you wait in the wings just before you step onto the stage, the blinding lights, hitting the movements perfectly, the clicking of the tap shoes, the vibrations of the music, the rustle of the velvet curtains, the red lipstick, glitter and false eyelashes... it is showtime!! 

(My litter sister and some of her fellow dancers just before "Big Jazz")

("Grace Dance Company" - this photograph was printed in the local newspaper today)

These past weeks have just been strange. I have felt so disorientated. I keep forgetting what day it is and what I am supposed to be doing (and it is not just to do with constantly being distracted by my stunning ring - while I'm brushing my teeth, while I'm sipping tea, while I'm trying to study - so basically all the time!!) but that I am utterly exhausted. I have been sick, have had to finish off a stack of tutorials, practical assignments, experiment reports and somehow write tests too. The proposal, the meeting with friends, the long hours of dance rehearsals, the late varsity days, the lack of sleep... Ray and I are both beyond tired. Ray, prayer, gentle caring and lovely friends have helped me to survive. (Also for the fact that my feet are still floating above the ground and that is feels like I'm living in a dream!!) This really has been the most amazing, stressful and challenging time of my life. Thank-you Lord, for everything, we are eternally grateful*

The Proposal!

Today is beautiful and I will cherish it forever!! Here is the proposal and the much awaited details! I will say though, that letting everyone know that you are engaged is a wonderful, never ending, rush - I am hugging friends and talking on the phone to family members, while I am trying to email pictures, tweet about it and skype at the same time! It's an excited blur...

Today began like any other day. When I arrived home from varsity Ray asked me if I would like to go for a walk, like we have done countless times before. The sun was shining high in the sky and a cool breeze was blowing off the ocean. We headed to Silvermine where we had first gone together two years ago, to our favourite place, where it all began :) Walking hand-in-hand, over the wooden walkways, loving how the flowers were beginning to bloom, listening to the rushing waters, talking about nothing in particular. I bent down to dip my fingers into the stream and as I turned around Ray took a black velvet box out of his pocket and got down on one knee. I gasped! (AHHH!!!)

He smiled. I smiled, while wiping tears away, and listened to his heart - words, for me alone to hear, that I will always remember and never let go! When he asked me to marry him I SAID YES!!! (Of course!!) I did not want to leave the embrace of his arms. Sharing this life with my best friend is simply the greatest joy and privilege. I am so thankful, so blessed, so loved that words are just not enough. THANK-YOU LORD! It is God's grace that brought us together, has kept us together, and will keep us together. When Ray prayed tears of overwhelmed, certain happiness flowed. Christ at the centre at the beginning, Christ at the centre through it all, until the end. 

It was just so "us". 

Next came the celebrations of first showing our parents, screaming sisters, hugs and hugs and more hugs, phoning grandparents, a million messages sent, taking and uploading photos, changing statuses (YES!), running around to tell every one in sight, jumping up and down, squealing, laughing, more crying, dancing, lots of uncontrollable gushing and finally having a moment to sit down with Ray, eat chocolate and blog, hands shaking, about it :) My face really hurts so much from smiling so much :D 

In anticipation of your questions: Yes, he asked my dad weeks ago. Yes, I knew it was going to happen and thought perhaps (just maybe) it would be today! We have known for a longggg time that we were going to get married. We had looked at rings and I had tried some on for size a while ago. We had given our design to a jeweller friend of ours a month ago. I wasn't allowed to ask any questions - but each morning, as I came down the stairs to Ray waiting below, I would teasingly ask "Today?" and he would just laugh and kiss me. But when we left for the walk, I noticed that Ray couldn't stop smiling, was acting slightly strange and his hand seemed to be drifting over to his pocket... But I thought to myself, "It's just your imagination, dad is away and it's only my birthday next week... he probably doesn't even have the ring yet..?" Ray had promised to propose before his graduation at the end of the year - so I had been preparing to wait for a little while longer (only a little while though!) Right now I am sort of in a state of ecstatic disbelief, yet calm and sure of it all. I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER!!! (Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to explode)

Our families and friends have been amazing - their excitement, encouragement, love, support, wisdom and prayers. We can't wait to have you all involved in planning the wedding with us :) We are eternally grateful - thank-you! We cannot express how much all of your congratulations have meant to us! 

Now I cannot stop staring at my stunning, sparkling diamond and gazing at my handsome, godly, INCREDIBLE fiancé :) I am speechless at how beautiful my ring is and the feel of it (finally!) on my finger is just indescribable!!

Our plans for the future: We will, Lord willing, be getting married at the end of next year when I graduate. Until then I will keep you all posted with our wedding ideas, photographs and all the great stories we will have to share :)

Dreams, and MORE, have come true! I love you Raynard. 

Salvation is here.

"Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here."

 {Dare you to move - Switchfoot}

My lovely

I have been sick. And of course it has had to happen at the most inopportune time! Life is overwhelming enough at the moment without having this crash upon me. But it is in times like these, when your weak body fails you and all the pressures of varsity, friends and dancing are piled upon you, that you remember that cannot depend on your own strength and become even more aware of the person standing at your side, holding you up, carrying you along.

R always is lovely. His gentle care of me these past few days has made me feel better than anything I could have done! Whether it is driving me down to the train station these cold, dark mornings because we are too tired to walk, or making me hot chocolate and rubbing my back while I study. From bringing me medicine and tucking me into bed, wrapping the blankets warmly around me. From soothing hugs when I cannot stop coughing or throwing a box of tissues my way. From praying with me before bed, or putting his hoodies on me to keep the ice of winter away, to walking down to the station and waiting there, in the rain or feeble sunshine, for me to collapse into his arms after an exhausting day. From squeezing me orange juice for breakfast and making pancakes just the way I like it, to sending me little messages throughout the day, just to let me know that he is missing me. From saying that I look beautiful, and meaning it, when I feel anything but. It's the little things that make the biggest differences! So thank-you for making me smile when I am feeling awful, for the endless "I love you's", for teasing me to stop taking myself too seriously, for letting me take sips of your coffee and cuddling with me while we talk about our days.  

I know that I am blessed and every day I thank God, amazed, for you. 

Life's greatest adventure

"To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek Him, the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest achievement.” 

{St. Augustine}

A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.  

My reason to smile

I have been promising myself to write a lovely, long, thoughtful blog post... but I am just too exhausted (says the sick girl on having had only three hours of sleep last night and a never ending day). I am struggling to remember how this day began, it feels like forever ago! And yet the day still seems far from over... But one more thing before I go to sleep...no matter how tired I am, or how long my days are, I cannot stop smiling... I have butterflies fluttering around every moment, waking or dreaming... I am content to wait. I trust you. (And you have been beyond amazing, as always!) 

And with that I bid you a gentle goodnight*

Forever.

"People are not important because they breathe. They're important because they have the capacity to honor God with their hearts and minds and bodies long after they stop breathing - forever." 

 {John Piper}

The life of a dancer

The pain that comes from scabs being repeatedly ripped off, blood smeared across the wooden floors, constant wearying stiffness, burning exhaustion, the pounding of your heart, sweat pouring down your face as you try harder and harder, pushing past the exhaustion, frustrated at your body's weakness, the agony that accompanies each 'effortless' step, and bruises that will last for weeks to come... Yes, the dancing show is rushing upon us and the nerves, the excitement, the anticipation are rising! 

I love our families!

"We are all a little weird and a life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love."

{Dr Seuss}

Yesterday was beautiful. The rain cleared and the sun shone. Our families could come together again. To Tribeca, after church, for white hot chocolate and mochas all round, yummy cheesecakes and tasting from each others plates (I'm so very happy!) I am incredibly grateful for my two wonderful families (especially when I know that it is not always like this). When we join, we laugh, we eat, we share, we care. It is easy and effortless. With R by my side, a link between his and mine, we are one. 

It is so encouraging to have the support of our parents in our future, with the planning, the dreaming and the wisdom given. I want them to be involved in every step of the way. With R graduating just weeks away (and other special happenings!) I cannot wait for all of us to be a united family again - and the next time we all see each other it is going to be one amazing celebration! (Although when both sets of parents start mentioning grandchildren... then it's time for another cup of coffee!) 

I don't think that I would be able to survive these early mornings, these train delays, these cold, days, these long, dark nights, this busyness without you. Thanks love, for sticking with me (I still can't believe it!)

Decadent chocolate mousse

So I have survived this weekend's brutal storm of terrifying thunder, flashes of white hot lightning slicing through the midnight sky, pelting hail, gale force winds shaking my windows in their paint-peeled wooden frames, pelting hail, the churning ocean and bitter coldness. 

I definitely think that we all could use some comfort food (also my lovely's family is down for the weekend!) And so this recipe came to mind:

I made this to impress my future in-laws... and let's just say that they were seriously impressed :) I love anything with chocolate and this is pure decadence and will satisfy any craving (I highly recommend doubling the recipe - a single recipe is shown below - because you will definitely be wanting more!)

What you need?

• 100g  (or 3 1/2oz) of dark chocolate (good quality)
• 1 Tbsp milk
• 2 eggs, separated
• 35g of castor sugar
• 150ml (or 5fl oz) of double cream

What to do?

1. Place the dark chocolate and milk in a heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water. Melt and combine until smooth. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.
2. Place the egg yolks and sugar in a large bowl and whisk until thick a creamy.
3. Whisk in the melted chocolate gently. (When I did this I so brilliantly got my one finger stuck in the moving whisk/mixing things - and yes, the mixer was ON - needless to say it was VERY sore! So just be careful, or make sure that it is switched off at the wall before you push those prongs into the handheld mixer - lesson learnt). 
4. Whip the cream in a bowl until peaks form. Gently fold in the chocolate mixture until combined - take care not to over mix. 
5. Whisk the egg whites until still and fold into the chocolate mixture. (Yes, now you may lick all those yummy spoons!)
6. Spoon (I like to use a spatula) the chocolate mousse mixture into a serving bowl, or individual serving containers, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours (it is worth it).
7. Decorate with chocolate shavings, or crunchy biscotti and strong coffee, or a dollop of whipped cream :)

Go and impress your family!

Thoughts on creation versus evolution

"God is; if He were not, nothing could be."

{Sibbes}

I have found myself becoming very frustrated this week in my Human Physiology lectures. I have had the privilege of having one of the greatest scientists in South Africa, and a worldwide leader in sports science, teach me. 

Here is a quote from his first lecture: "We somehow evolved... We have no idea how... We can't understand it... We somehow learned... We don't know..." (Sigh, how disappointing to hear an "expert" speak like that...) I would prefer science and not unsubstantiated human speculation please. He will often say, "It is so incredibly designed!" but won't give credit to a Designer. He will make ridiculous, completely unscientific statements... if you say we "somehow evolved to get an intelligent brain" without being able to give the slightest explanation as to how, then he has no basis in saying what he says at all! 

Science is empirical. It is based on observations. (And observations do change! My professors constantly tell us how science has changed over the decades, how we discover more or disprove what they thought to be correct - there is not constancy or absolute truths, there is no solid foundation!) When he teaches us real science, based on actual, observable, repeatable research,  he is brilliant. But as soon as he begins to make up stories about human origins I become angry. (It is not as though he as literally observed any of it!) How can he say we evolved from apes yet cannot explain what processes allowed this to happen - how did the molecules happen to know where to go in deleting nucleotides from genomic code, how did these amazing genes just happen to randomly form in the right place, how did the vitally needed proteins also come into existance to express these new genes, how did the biochemical environment of the body tolerate or allow such harmful "mistakes" to occur, how did the physiology adapt to cope with these new conditions and abilities - there are literally an infinite amount of factors to include in explaining his "facts" which he totally ignores, or just unthinkingly accepts. A good scientist is one who asks the right questions, who looks for the right explanation, who considers the millions of contributing consequences... He will just say, "I have absolutely no idea!" (And I agree!) He tries to put a roof on a building that has no walls. 

Evolution creates questions, questions that only the Bible can answer, for God is the Creator! It is so (mindblowingly) simple: the body works so perfectly, its systems intricately and beautifully integrating, working together as a whole is because He made it exactly so. I cannot even begin to describe the details of marvels and wonder of how the human body works: from the very structure of the atom, the forces holding it all together, its almost magical, constant, instrinsic properties, forming the building blocks of life, forming molecules that make everything we see around us on a microscopic scale... 

I believe that God created the world. It says that God spoke and all of the universe came into being. It was good. And humans were VERY good! It may not explain how He flung the stars into space or hung the sun and moon in the sky, but the Bible (which any unbiased historian will tell you is infallible) tells me that He did it, and I believe it! There will always be mystery, for we are finite beings trying to understand the Infinite! Do I believe that a mighty, all-powerful, sovereignly upholding, sustainer, creative genius, designer God make it all? Yes. Of course. 

What further frustrates me is that evolution is a naturalistic/materialistic worldview, and yet the believer (yes, evolution is a faith) fails to take their view to its completion.  If you believe in evolution then what you are saying is that you are a random, directionless, pointless accident. You are not special, you are not unique, you do not matter, you have no worth, you have no purpose and your life has no meaning. If evolution had to happen again then you would not be here. You are no more important than dirt - you came from it. (And please don't even get me started on the "Big Bang" and the impossibilities of the chemical evolution - how can everything come from nothing?)

In a world where every one is searching for purpose, for acceptance, for love, for a meaningful existence, it is unfathomable to say that you are the pointless result of a random accident. You were created. You were created for a purpose. You were created for a reason. You were created in God's glorious image, for His glory, for His enjoyment. He created you for a loving relationship with Him. That is why you long for more. That is why you crave belonging, for you are lost! You can only find lasting fulfilment in Christ Jesus, in being a part of your Maker's family, in living forever in His awe-striking presence, praising Him for all of eternity. Without God you have nothing. Without Him you are nothing. 

Imagine looking at the Mona Lisa and saying, "It is an accident, the paint just happened to fall exactly where it fell onto the canvas, resulting in this breath-taking picture." That is ludicrous! And how do you think Leonardo da Vinci would feel hearing that about his masterpiece and not receiving the rightful credit he is due? Looking at the spectacular, indescribable awesomeness of creation and attributing it all (including astounding you!) to evolution instead of to God is unfathomable. 

I have realised, though, that getting upset about evolution is like getting angry at asking a blind man to describe a rainbow - he cannot see! In the same way, my professor is blind. But I pray that one day, by God's grace, he will see the life-changing truth. 

Sunshine smiles

The sun is shining and we are smiling :)

For days I had been anticipating these moments. R and I spend every day together, but we are always so incredibly busy, working side-by-side late into the night, or the painful, early hours of the morning... and I could just not wait to have a day off and spend it relaxing with my best friend.

Even a Genetics test, horrendous practical and delayed trains could dampen my excitement of being able to attend Bible study last night. It is a time of encouragement, of being challenged, grappling to understand God's Word, together being shaped by the truth, asking those difficult questions, honest prayer, feeling awe and thankfulness. But it is also a time of great laughter, teasing one another, catching up, eating way too many chocolates, wrapped in R's warm jacket, a blazing fire place and screaming at the TV cheering our Olympic favourites on... It fills you up. The sense of unity, friendship, accountability and love, we are like a family :)

Something that struck me again last night in discussion... as a believer, I have died with Christ, my sin has been crucified with Him on the cross, and I have been raised to new life, to freedom, not to myself, not to do whatever I so please, not to sin, but to live for God, free to obey Him, to say no to sin and be more like Christ... I am free to live how God originally created humanity to be in the very beginning, to glorify God! 

After a long, dreamless sleep, lazing in warmth and for once getting out of bed only after the sun has risen... ah, wonderful! I celebrated my Women's day with a group of lovely ladies. It was a colour workshop, where you discover what "season" you are - a Summer, Winter, Autumn or Spring. Mounds of fabrics where draped over us, comments of "Oh, that looks awful!" or "Wow, that makes you glow!" ensued with much love and laughter. Then tea with nutty, chocolate Texas brownies and decadent New York cheesecake, standing on the balcony overlooking the most glorious view of endless, deep blue ocean stretching before us, high up on the mountain with the whole bay far below, the white sails of the boats twinkling in the distance. 

I have been enjoying the sun with R, loving these stolen hours, just grateful. But the day is only going to get better with a family barbecue :) Happy Thursday! 

Truth.

"The truth of God is immortal."

{Calvin}

My heart

Darling

Sunday evening. The weekend is coming to a close. These last few hours are always a mixture of too many things... the sad feelings of knowing that an early morning awaits, of rushing around to finish off your mounds of work and finally admitting defeat for the day and all the great plans that you had made. It is about making sure that you haven't forgotten anything important, but feeling like you have... of whispered conversations on the couch, attempting to hold onto this precious inbetween moment, wrapped in blankets and the warm glow of love, sipping hot chocolate and listening to the rain thunder in the winter darkness.  It is a time of wanting to go to bed early and drift off gently into blissful unconsciousness, yet wanting to stay up late as though tomorrow will never come...

A family tradition is to make pancakes on a Sunday evening after church. Right now I can hear my darling mixing the batter in the kitchen next door, accompanied by the sweet smell of cinnamon, while I finish off my studying. And somehow I feel like I may just make it through this next week...

Reflecting on my week

When the days drag but the week swiftly passes by. Time always seems to slip through our grasping fingers too quickly to collect or truly appreciate. The rushing, the busyness, the stress, the distance... it has been exhausting! A lightness, a sort of wearied relief, characterized my feelings as I walked briskly across campus after my last lecture of the week, winding my way under ice cold, grey skies, through the masses of students bustling from class to class or excitedly leaving for the weekend. Riding the bus and then the train, and walking home was wonderful, knowing that I have managed to stumble my way through yet another seven days - although the speed at which time is flying is a little bit terrifying!

On a day when you leave before sunrise and return home only after sunset, you are tired in every single way. It has been especially difficult with all the pressure of my varsity work and not being able to spend as much time with R to simply sit together and endlessly share our days. Sometimes all my anger and frustration builds up, waiting to come tumbling down at the first person to cross my path. Yes, I took it all out on my innocent, unsuspecting person. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of being able to attend a Biblical counselling course. It has shone light onto my dark heart. No one can blame their circumstances or experiences for their behaviour and actions, for all your circumstances and experiences do are trigger what is already inside your heart - your behaviour and actions towards a person or a situation is simply the overflowing of your heart. Just like a dead man cannot bring himself back to life, so you cannot change your sinful heart by yourself - you need to be rescued and set free. And I was reminded of that again and again this week. 

 I know that I always say this but I still cannot believe how incredibly wonderful and amazing my person is. After I was truly, wickedly horrible to him, fighting about nothing at all, creating problems that were none, he still just unconditionally loved me. He forgives in a heartbeat, he will not leave me, he is faithful and true, so loyal and caring. He understands and never fails to support and encourage me. It not only humbles me, bringing burning tears to my eyes and sheer shame at my words towards him, but he blows me away. He makes me see what love really is. It is limitless, healing, a refuge in times of great need. His sacrifice and selflessness always leave me striving to be more like Jesus and worthy of his love. His love is a reflection of the cross - the greatest act of love ever to be displayed! Just like R so graciously loves me when I do not deserve it in the slightest, so God loved us when we were unlovely. R reminds me of that every day. 

I had some heart-to-heart conversations with my varsity friends this week. It is not often that we are so open and honest with each other. I was forced to remember a time when I held onto bitterness and rage. I did not want to forgive someone. I actually wanted revenge. For months I would not apologise. It ended that friendship, with much pain as we parted ways. When I think of how God forgave me, willingly died for me when I was His enemy, when I had rejected His rightful rule and turned my back on Him, my loving Creator... how dare I not forgive like He does? Looking back I realise how much hurt I could have avoided if I had admitted my faults and immaturity, and forgiven them. No it was not easy, but when I think on what God has so miraculously and indescribably done for me, my excuses and ungodly feelings are insignificant. Don't go to sleep tonight leaving any relationships broken - especially the one you have with your Saviour. 

These whispered conversations while we worked also had me retelling parts of R and my life-changing, love story. Again I can only thank the Lord for His grace and patience, His good, good plan, in bringing and keeping us together. Someday soon I will retell it for you all :)

It doesn't cost you anything to be kind or polite. It is in the little things... like giving up your seat on the train for someone else, holding the library door open for the student coming in behind you, smiling at a stranger, greeting the security guard that you walk past every day, in hugging a friend who is heartbroken. I was astounded at how cruel some people could be in deliberately inflicting hurt on the sweetest girl I know. Watching her cry in class caused my throat to burn as I held back furious words at those who had crushed her. Being a friend doesn't necessarily mean fighting someone's battles, but perhaps rather just being there with her as she struggles through - a source of comfort, bringing soothing peace, but ultimately leading her to the One who loves her even more than she could ever imagine.  

Well I have more work than I believe I can ever get through (this is when I stop depending on my feeble self and start praying!) but I keep R's forever love in the forefront of my mind, helping me grow, guiding me every step of the way... but more importantly - and always - living in the light of eternity! Remember what truly matters and what will endure... Happy weekend everyone :) 

Either way

(Yes, so I am embarrassed to admit that I am almost twenty-one and unable to drive...) At the moment I have just two driving modes:

The freaked-out, shaking, suddenly sweating, nerve-wracked, close-to-tears, stiff armed, trying to remember all the rules (consisting of confused, rapid head movements, pushing the wrong buttons and going through red robots), crawling so slowly that everyone hoots and overtakes, jerking, constantly stalling, panicked driver.

Or, the "Wow, this is so much fun!", slightly out-of-control-bordering-on-reckless, totally carefree (not in a good way), doesn't really pay attention, FAST, gets only green lights, almost hitting things/knocking pedestrians/scraping the curb/rolling in the wrong direction while laughing like a maniac, wildly screaming driver.

Either way it is not good. 

A humbled child of God

"No child of God ever found their own way home." 

{John Henderson}