A new year

My eternal hope and security, my firm foundation for the New Year: 

" Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." 

{Hebrews 13:8} 

forgotten

Forgotten. Left behind. She felt as though she was alone in the world. Separated. Isolated. Forgotten.

It seemed as though she stood still while the world had continued to spin around and around, time ticking on and on... while she remained motionless. The sun rose. The sun set. And she stood still.

She struggled to find her place, where she belonged. She saw all her loved ones having a brilliant time - without her. Was she waiting for invitations that would never come? Did they not remember? Did they not know that she was stuck, lost, forgotten...?

Tears flowed, sorrow overwhelmed, loneliness washed over her - its waves relentless, crashing and tumbling over her, again and again. The water was cold while the sun shone on. The waves kept coming and coming,  drowning her in furious self pity. The anger within her raged, a dark swirling mass of bitterness and hatred. It filled her, choking her, ripping at her heart. The wind howled - its icy, skeletal crawls piercing her. She huddled in a heap - vulnerable, insecure, crying.

But then he came along. He was cruel in his clarity and compassion. He made her see that she was the one who had forgotten. She had forgotten her friends. She had forgotten what real love is: self-giving, selflessness, self-sacrifice. He made her take her eyes off of herself and to look to others first. She had to be a friend to have a friend. She dried her tears and took a step .forward - no more waiting The storm had passed.

When dreams become reality*

Six long weeks. Forty-two long days. One thousand and eight long hours. Sixty thousand, four hundred and eighty long minutes. Three million, six hundred and twenty-eight thousand, eight hundred long seconds.

Today was the three week marker of my separation from my person.  Sometimes, out of nowhere, breath-taking pain pierces me, the acute heartache of being away from the one you love...

We all daydream - have fantasies of our loved ones suddenly, unexpectedly, most wonderfully showing up and surprising you. This is EXACTLY what happened to me today!! (It is difficult to even begin to express how amazing it was!)

It had started out as any other, totally ordinary, blandly normal day - no indication that this day would soon become incredible.

I had been texting my person, back and forth, all morning - nothing unusual - until he texted me picture of my front gate. My heart skipped a beat. Tears sprung to my eyes. I went hot and cold all over. (Disbelief!) "It is not possible, how can this be, he must have...?" incoherent thoughts tumbled about unfinished in my confused mind. BUT then I heard the doorbell ring... I froze, for all of a hundreth of a second, before I ran to the door, threw it open and incredulously found my person standing there.. just standing there smiling!!

Throwing myself into his arms, endless hugs, being kissed breathless, being covered completely in total happiness, indescribable joy ensued :) The best possible surprise I could have ever hoped for*

A day spent with my person and his family, holding his hand as we move through the crushing crowds, feeling so special and cared for, browsing through the shops together, laughing at lunch, splashing in the pool, my waist encircled as we watch the sun set behind the mountain in the cooling evening, saying goodbye with hope in our hearts... I cannot say THANK-YOU enough!!

To my person - I love you with all my heart <3 And thank-you for today, when my dream became a reality*

The Christ in Christmas

"For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

{Isaiah 9:6}

Christmas memories*

T'was the night before Christmas... 
(My memories of today - as a list!) 

1. Whistling Christmas carols and dancing around the kitchen.
2. Doors thrown wide open, summer sunshine streaming in, a cool breeze blowing.
3. Helping my mom cook the most elaborate and scrumptious Christmas feast - heaps upon heaps of delectable goodness - learning how to cook the meals that I will one day be making for my family :)
4. Putting our feet up, sneaking in some chocolate, while our mouths water over Nigella and Jamie on the tellie. 
5. Fingers stained with berry juice, licking sticky, sugary caramel, creamy custard and mounds of whipped cream (making a summer trifle!) 
6. Attempting to stuff more "stuff" in already packed fridges... 
7. Wishing friends "A very Merry Christmas!" - spreading the cheer! 
8. A thousand twinkling fairy lights and a million candles scattered across the room*
9. Red and gold, deep purple and silver. 
10. Busyness, busyness, busyness!!! Running around here and there and everything - doing so much, yet at the same time doing nothing in particular at all.
11. Thinking how strange it has been to spend half of my Christmases throwing snowballs, cuddling by a roaring fire, trying to dry out wet mittens, baking chocolate chip cookies and shopping up a spree of magical presents, while the other half have been spent lazy and warm, swimming at the beach, watching the sunset late at night, drinking champagne and ice tea. 
12. Hearing my mother shout into the phone, wishing all our German family a  "Frohe Weihnachten" - loving my family heritage and traditions.
13. My father reading the birth narrative. 
14. Food! Turkey, glazed gamon, roasted lamb, Mediterranean couscous salad, potato, green and pasta salads, fresh bakery breads with soft cheeses, nutty, herby stuffing, cranberries and apple sauce, chocolate fudge sauce drizzled over New York cheesecake, sweet and tart berry trifle, sweet, sparkling drinks.....  
15. Ripping open beautiful wrapped gifts - excitement! 
16. Surrounded with the most incredible family and friends <3
17. Late night phonecalls with my person (liefde!) 
18. Thinking that all the hard work, all the hours, all the effort was beyond worthwhile :)
19. Falling exhausted into bed, a smile on my face, my heart stirred with memories, my dreams full of hope and happiness, thinking about tomorrow.... Christmas day!

The miracle of Christmas

"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a Son, and they will call Him Immanuel - which means God with us."

 {Matthew 1:23}

A thousand years*

My favourite song of the day (edited):  

Heart beats fast 

Colours and promises 

How to be brave 

How can I love when 

I'm afraid to fall 

But watching you stand alone 

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow 

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid

I have loved you

For a thousand years 

I'll love you for a thousand more 

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is 

I will be brave 

I will not let anything take away 

What's standing in front of me 

Every breath 

Every hour has come to this 

 One step closer 

And all along I believed I would find you 

Time has brought your heart to me 

I have loved you for a thousand years 

I'll love you for a thousand more

{Christina Perri - A thousand years} 

the twilight transition

She lay with her hands clasped beneath her head. Her eyes fluttered shut, flickering her eyelids with the fading whispers of sunlight, the dark, heavy clouds shading her face. 

Feet in the water, floating, disconnected. She focused only on the sound of the rushing waterfall as the wind smoothed over her, flying her thoughts away, soothing away her questions. The ebb and flow, the ebb and flow... until her mind was still and her heart stopped beating. 

It was twilight. The strangest part of the day - the drawing of the day to a close, yet the slow awakening of the long night. The sun seems to suspend while time ceases. 

It reminded her of the road between childhood and adulthood, singleness and marriage, of leaving one's family and making your own... like the transition of twilight. 

Peace descended as she opened her eyes. 

[The cycle of growing up...]

"Take God on a date"

Here are a few more quotes from the next chapter of "Boundaries in dating":

• "It is good to want a spiritually based relationship. Your relationships with God is the deepest, most profound, and most important part of your soul.If relationship is about connecting all of ourselves to another, then the spiritual aspect is inconceivably significant . So we all yearn for a person that we can be one with, all the way down to the core self, where God resides also. In fact, God designed our need to connect." 
• "Through many experiences, conversations, and questions, we settle in on a person who loves God as we do, one who can help us grow even closer to Him."
• "The issue is not how to fit our spiritual life into our dating life; rather, it is how to fit our dating life into our spiritual life."
• "Life and love are God's gifts under His domain." 
• "The One who designed emotional connections knows best conducted, in a way that is satisfying for us and glorifying to Him."
• "It is good to offer our dating life as part of the living sacrifice that helps submit all aspects of our lives to God's order for our existence. The more our lives are surrendered to Him, the more He is able to fashion out lives as we were meant to be." 
• "The alternative to surrender in dating is idolatry." 

Daring to be different

I have started reading a book called "Making dating work: Boundaries in dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It is a Christian book to help guide one on the smoothest possible road between singleness and marriage. It addresses the major problems that often occur in dating: issues of freedom, responsibility and maturity (self-control, godliness and purity) Here are a few quotes, from the introduction and first chapter - on boundaries and the line of truth: 

• "Boundaries are 'property lines' which define and protect you - your emotions, values, behaviours and attitudes." 
• "Boundaries help you be yourself and not lose yourself in someone else." 
• "Where there is deception there is NO relationship - truthfulness is everything."
• "Honesty is the bedrock of dating and marriage." 
• "It is one thing to have loved and lost, but it is another thing to have loved and been lied to." 
• "Do not lead someone on or allow them to deceive themselves by anything that you are doing." 
• "Lying about reality places your relationship on shaking ground."
• "In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship." 
• "People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work." 
• "Honesty over hurt and conflict create intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and foolish." 
• "Dating is not the place to rehabilitate someone." 
• "If your dating partner is not clear about feelings, thoughts or some other indirect communication, demand it." 
• If someone lies to you: "look at the level of repentance and change - how significantly is the person pursuing holiness and purity."

#boundariesindating

A relationship is always changing and growing, but its foundation must be secure. For dating to be a success it takes great, hard work, and must be done in a Christ-honouring, God-glorifying way: the way He created it to be - lovely, wonderful, amazing...! Without the hurt and heartache of selfish love that the world sells... 

Daring to be different in how I love...

"...bewitched me body and soul..."

You must know, surely you must know, it was all for you... It has allowed me to hope, scarcely as I have never hoped before... my affections have not changed, but on word from you will silence me forever. If however your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me – body and soul –and I love you, and never wish to be parted from you from this day. 

 {Mr Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet}

Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice 

Thinking of you*

Time. It goes too quickly. It goes too slowly. Too little. Too much.

During these long summer days one would wish for them to stretch out before oneself with no end in its glorious sight, filled with happiness, contentment, warmth and joy...

Yet for me, I wish for the days to pass with haste, longing to see him, reunited with my best friend, my love. Every thing he writes to me stirs up a painful wanting, an aching heart, a wishing to be by his side, to hold his hand, to simply be there with him...

I have been keeping myself busy by:

1. Trying not to think about him - I fail every second of every single day (he is part of me).
2. Watching Pride and Prejudice (for possibly the hundredth time - never too many!) - may just be my favourite love story of all time* (which makes me think of him).
3. Mindless television - movies, series, reality shows... (trying not to think about him) while relaxing on the couch.
4. Lounging by the poolside, on a chaise, shading my eyes as I read a good book (romance, crime, murder mysteries, legal thrillers, anything - trying not to think of him!) or dangling my feet into the cool water, enjoying the calming waterfall flow.
5. Curling up with a soft, warm blanket as it rains so gently outside, the puppies at my feet vying for affection, letting music wash over me, pure laziness (and thinking - if only he were here...)
6. Attempting to cook and indulging in luxurious baking (thinking of how he loves to bake with me, teach me how to cook the most scrumptious, comfort foods, then grab me around the waist and waltz across the floor, twirling me round and round, dizzy with delight!)
7. Spending time with my family, laughing and laughing (but thinking that someone is missing...)

Please come home soon... for I am thinking of you always*

the days drag by...

"Time stretched from desperate minutes into aching hours, and then on into an unseen dawn and another day."

{Horwood} 

Looking back...

I still cannot believe it. I am not sure if I will ever be able to fully grasp it. It is overwhelming. Every second of every day. And looking back on this year, the year we were afraid of, the year we dreaded, the year we thought we would never get through... I am struck with breathless. I am humbled. I cannot express how thankful, how blessed, how happy I am. And I believe that I will be spend the rest of my days, with you, trying to understand what I have with you, show how very, very much I love you, be worthy of you and the gracious, forgiving, overflowing, undeserving, unbreakable love that you sacrificially lavish upon me.

I fail you. I hurt you. I am difficult. I am impatient. I am stubborn. I am selfish. I do not love as I should. You always think of me, put me first, care for me, cherish me. You make me feel safe and secure. You make me feel beautiful, even on my worst day. You respect me. You support, encourage, challenge me. You hold me accountable, help me grow, hold my hand as we walk in faith, striving for godliness and God’s glory. You love Jesus. You love God’s word. The cross is central to your life. Ministry your life’s purpose. That is all I could ever dream of in the love of my life.

Looking back over the year I see how incredible far we have come. You make me want to be a better person, the best person I can be – for you, for my friends, for my family, and most importantly for God. You never let me go. You did not let me drift. You prayed with me, for me, together. You helped me every single step of the way. You held me, you cried with me, you comforted me, you strengthened me, you rebuked me, you gave up so much for me... I know that I would never have survived this year without you. That is why I am left reeling when you are gone, why I feel lost, why my heart breaks and the tears come... Spending every single day together has been my greatest joy and pleasure (more than I could have ever wished for!) I will never be able to say thank-you enough...

You are smart. You are funny. You make me smile. You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are eternally patient. You are an amazing listener. You are selfless. You are considerate. You are calming, a constant force in my love. You are the perfect gentleman. You are hopelessly handsome, but your heart is even more beautiful. You are not just my love but my best friend.

The memories from this year are unforgettable: the early mornings, how you made me breakfast and lunch every single day for varsity, walking me to the station, waiting for me to come home with a white hot chocolate in your hand, all the sunrises and sunsets, the wiped tears, the series on the couch, pancakes and chocolate chip cookies and lemon poppy seed cake baking, the Sunday family lunches sitting outside in the sunshine in the shadow of the mountain, making gourmet burgers on a Friday evening, all the laughter, the smiles, the lingering glances, stolen kisses (and my tummy gets all squiggly), our amazing naps, holding my hand as we walk into church, being on the beach watching our dog play in the surf, series on the couch, spending a cold, winter with your warm family, skyping my sister in South Korea, the long talks, our theological arguments (and how you are actually always right – even though I pretend to be), complaining about UCT, but studying together every evening our books laid out side-by-side, coming down the stairs, seeing you there and throwing myself into your arms, huddling under a black umbrella while it poured with rain in city centre while you took photographs, then off to our favourite Eastern Bazaar and stuffing our faces with red velvet cupcakes in the Cape Quarter, poker and pizza, our Old Biscuit Mill Market mission, being so proud of you – with college, being student chairman, how you are with my family, with yours, tagging along to all your photography shoots – Sea Gypsy, families, the most heart-touching wedding, Valentines day (and all the surprise gifts and a lovely poke-a-dot boutique dress), our relaxed birthdays (and a certain stunning ring!), how you pick me up and spin me around, waltzing in the kitchen, telling me to stop singing at the top of my lungs (I apologize!), reading books while lying outside in the early summer sun, the braai’s, kicking a soccer ball on the field, varnishing that horrible trellis, all the tweets and dms and texts and facebook messages and emails and words spoken... and countless, countless more... but mostly just the ordinary every day (which is magical and wonderful and lovely and special – all because you are with me!)

Ray, you have my heart. And I know, for sure and for ever, I love you. And looking back, in fifty years time, I know that this will still be all true of you and I* 

The reason

I have attempted many blogs for various reasons, but this blog was started as a dedication to my person – when he went away. My person has gone away again – but this time for the longest time, longer than any other, a few weeks...

I had thought that the agony of nine endless days would be heartache enough, yet as I gaze into the desolate awaiting hours tears fall as loneliness descends and the quietness takes over. Empty, empty hours.

How does one eloquently express the emotions of fear, of sheer sadness, of overwhelming sorrow? Is it best said with letters of love or beautiful poems? Maybe with ceaseless tears... for cry is all that I am able to do...

The reason for this blog is him.