Relationships. I have learned a lot. Been pulled and pushed beyond belief. I have been challenged me to my very core. I have been melted down and remoulded. I have been cut and burned. It has hurt. I have been broken. It has been wonderful. It has changed me. And it has been the most amazing time of my life.
Relationships. Sharing my life with you. My every day fairytale come to life. A wonder. A dream. My greatest joy, privilege and pleasure.
But. It has also been the most sorrowful, heart breaking, devastating, shattering experience for me.
Relationships are hard, hard work. They are messy and confusing. They are full of misunderstandings. But without all of this they would be pointless. Here are a few things that I have learned from the past two (the BEST two!) years of my life:
(This may not be the most exciting post, but hopefully, at least a little bit, insightful!)
Your person is your best friend. Fullstop. They are the one with whom you are desperate to spend every waking moment. With them life is easy, light-hearted, fun, carefree - simply enjoy spending time together! They make you laugh, they smile and you know what they are thinking, they understand, you can just sit in silence for hours and be content. Those special, romantic evenings are lovely, but they are not everyday life. It is about really knowing your person even better than they know themselves (really!) Your person should make you feel safe and secure, precious and beautiful, totally comfortable - even when you are just sitting on the couch, no makeup, hair a mess, in your worn, old pjs watching your favourite series. You should be able to do nothing with your person and be happy. I think that every lasting relationship is built firstly on the solid foundation of friendship.
Without constant, honest COMMUNICATION your relationship is dead. How often have fights happened because we misheard something, or did not get the full picture? (And you will fight - often!) You have to speak to each other - all the time! About the tiny things as much as the huge things. Being genuinely interesting in what happened in their day, taking the time to know and care about the people in their life, their hopes, their dreams, their heartaches, their stresses, their fears... It is important to share your heart with your person... but this is terrifying! Yes, you will be vulnerable... dependent on them - but that is true intimacy, two hearts joined into one, needing that person like you have never needed another human being before. This can only be based on trust. There may be no doubts, no lies, no half-heartedness. You are meant to support, encourage, admonish, grow each other. When you fall down they pick you up, when you are broken they put you back together. Love must overflow - and with it grace and much forgiveness. But with talking also comes LISTENING! You are walking this road of life together, hand-in-hand.
It is truly the little things: making them a cup of coffee while they're studying, a hand written note, buying their favourite chocolate, texting a Bible verse they had just read that struck them, holding hands as you go for a walk with the dog, letting them choose the music in the car, a quick "just because I'm thinking of you" phonecall, giving them a hug after a long day, praying with you every evening before they say goodnight, saying "I love you" at every possible moment... there are a million moments in the day where you can make your person feel special and show them that you care. It can honestly make their day. Appreciate them and say THANK-YOU!
In perfect symmetry, you should be able to let the (annoying) little things go: don't fight over something, that in all honestly, is not important (speaking to myself). Don't get irate about the silly things that don't matter. It will save you much time, energy and immature, angry tears. (Said as politely as possible: grow-up!)
On a more serious note: a relationship must have a purpose. It must be INTENTIONAL. You must both know where you are going and why - and you should both want to go there! It does not matter how much you may like, or even love, that person. It does not matter how much fun you have together. It does not even matter if you want to get to know the person better. It is about preparing for a serious, committed, faithful, Christ-honouring (and Lord willing!) LIFELONG relationship. Yes. Marriage. Or else what is the point? Sharing your life, your heart, your deepest being with another person... just because you "like them", "have fun together", "want to get to know them"? That sounds rather selfish and immature. Relationships are SERIOUS. Make sure that you are both willing to take the risk... or be patient, pray, wait, just be friends (I said it!), so as to possibly avoid future heartbreak. Is a fling really worth all the tears? All the pain? (But yes, I know, it may take a few tries until you find THE ONE... but please guard your heart, please...)
Most importantly: You are a team - you have to be! It is not about you. And even though you will have to SACRIFICE much, putting the other person before yourself, giving, giving and giving some more, it is not even about them. It is all about God. Together you are a WITNESS - the gospel personified. God should be at the centre. He is what should hold you together. He will never let you down - His love will NEVER FAIL. He displays the perfect example of love, of forgiveness, of grace, of holiness, of purity, of sacrifice. The purpose of any and ALL relationships is sanctification - to be made more like Christ. (Fullstop.) And ultimately to GLORIFY GOD.
