Looking back...

I still cannot believe it. I am not sure if I will ever be able to fully grasp it. It is overwhelming. Every second of every day. And looking back on this year, the year we were afraid of, the year we dreaded, the year we thought we would never get through... I am struck with breathless. I am humbled. I cannot express how thankful, how blessed, how happy I am. And I believe that I will be spend the rest of my days, with you, trying to understand what I have with you, show how very, very much I love you, be worthy of you and the gracious, forgiving, overflowing, undeserving, unbreakable love that you sacrificially lavish upon me.

I fail you. I hurt you. I am difficult. I am impatient. I am stubborn. I am selfish. I do not love as I should. You always think of me, put me first, care for me, cherish me. You make me feel safe and secure. You make me feel beautiful, even on my worst day. You respect me. You support, encourage, challenge me. You hold me accountable, help me grow, hold my hand as we walk in faith, striving for godliness and God’s glory. You love Jesus. You love God’s word. The cross is central to your life. Ministry your life’s purpose. That is all I could ever dream of in the love of my life.

Looking back over the year I see how incredible far we have come. You make me want to be a better person, the best person I can be – for you, for my friends, for my family, and most importantly for God. You never let me go. You did not let me drift. You prayed with me, for me, together. You helped me every single step of the way. You held me, you cried with me, you comforted me, you strengthened me, you rebuked me, you gave up so much for me... I know that I would never have survived this year without you. That is why I am left reeling when you are gone, why I feel lost, why my heart breaks and the tears come... Spending every single day together has been my greatest joy and pleasure (more than I could have ever wished for!) I will never be able to say thank-you enough...

You are smart. You are funny. You make me smile. You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are eternally patient. You are an amazing listener. You are selfless. You are considerate. You are calming, a constant force in my love. You are the perfect gentleman. You are hopelessly handsome, but your heart is even more beautiful. You are not just my love but my best friend.

The memories from this year are unforgettable: the early mornings, how you made me breakfast and lunch every single day for varsity, walking me to the station, waiting for me to come home with a white hot chocolate in your hand, all the sunrises and sunsets, the wiped tears, the series on the couch, pancakes and chocolate chip cookies and lemon poppy seed cake baking, the Sunday family lunches sitting outside in the sunshine in the shadow of the mountain, making gourmet burgers on a Friday evening, all the laughter, the smiles, the lingering glances, stolen kisses (and my tummy gets all squiggly), our amazing naps, holding my hand as we walk into church, being on the beach watching our dog play in the surf, series on the couch, spending a cold, winter with your warm family, skyping my sister in South Korea, the long talks, our theological arguments (and how you are actually always right – even though I pretend to be), complaining about UCT, but studying together every evening our books laid out side-by-side, coming down the stairs, seeing you there and throwing myself into your arms, huddling under a black umbrella while it poured with rain in city centre while you took photographs, then off to our favourite Eastern Bazaar and stuffing our faces with red velvet cupcakes in the Cape Quarter, poker and pizza, our Old Biscuit Mill Market mission, being so proud of you – with college, being student chairman, how you are with my family, with yours, tagging along to all your photography shoots – Sea Gypsy, families, the most heart-touching wedding, Valentines day (and all the surprise gifts and a lovely poke-a-dot boutique dress), our relaxed birthdays (and a certain stunning ring!), how you pick me up and spin me around, waltzing in the kitchen, telling me to stop singing at the top of my lungs (I apologize!), reading books while lying outside in the early summer sun, the braai’s, kicking a soccer ball on the field, varnishing that horrible trellis, all the tweets and dms and texts and facebook messages and emails and words spoken... and countless, countless more... but mostly just the ordinary every day (which is magical and wonderful and lovely and special – all because you are with me!)

Ray, you have my heart. And I know, for sure and for ever, I love you. And looking back, in fifty years time, I know that this will still be all true of you and I*