the gate

She stood tall and silent, staring out of the window at the gate at the edge of the garden. She had been waiting. For him. Of course. The sun cast shadows across the trees and the flowers, fluttering in the breeze, standing tall and silent. And waiting. She watched the darkness creep across the lawn, stretching closer and closer to where she stood. She did not see, her imagination was freed. Those wild and fantastical dreams. Those secret, hidden hopes she had dared to believe. 

The moon rose swiftly and in its light she saw clearly for the first time. The trees were bare, they had lost their leaves long ago. And the flowers were dull and dead. The stood tall and silent mocking her. Bitterly disappointed at her futile thoughts, building realities where there were none. But she could not turn away. So still she waited. Small and silent. Yearning for the gate to open. 

home is where the heart is

"Though the fire of the heart may have withered its core 

Unto ashes and dust--though the head have turned hoar 

Ere its time, as the surfs o'er the breakers that foam 

Still, a tear will arise when we think upon Home."

{Albert Pike}

It has been a week since you have gone. Standing in the darkened doorway, starts far above, coldly shining down on us, hushed and mocking, tears falling without ceasing, body shaking, soul tearing. Breaking as you said goodbye with one last kiss, one last embrace, one last promise. 

Closing the door, watching your shadow disappear through the glass, blurred with unspoken fears and overflowing sorrow. 

Every where I look I am reminded of you. Always in my thoughts, always in my heart. The days have been long and empty. Peace out of reach, happiness beyond my grasp. No purpose. No joy. I am restless without you. Lost and alone, left longing after every one else has forgotten. They do not know and they do not care. Trapped in their own worlds and ignorant of mine. 

But here I am standing, arms wide open, waiting for you to come home. Soon. 

A slumbering sun

"I'll dissolved when the rain pours in, 

when the nightmares take me, 

I will scream with the howling wind,

It's a bitter world and I'd rather dream" 

{Owlcity - Lonely Lullaby*} 

A crisp, cold morning. A quiet train station. Not a single person in sight. Listening to the sounds of the murmuring ocean as its waves gently surged up and down the rocky shore, fishing boats rising and falling. Watching the trains silently slide past, coming and going. See the wavering lights of the lighthouses flicker across the deep, dark waters. Midnight blue faded away into the rising of the slumbering sun. The faintest flushed pinks and golden oranges the last whispers of summer. A breeze blew, blushing my cheeks, a scarf wrapped tightly around my neck to keep the ice away. I could see the grey clouds tumbling over the mountains along the horizon. 

The rain rages and the wind wages war against the cool glass of the window. A steaming mug of soup, warm toast and soft socks keeping me cozy. Lighting candles, melting chocolate, sipping tea while I read in the bath. Snuggled in heaps of blankets, so thankful, so content, watching Pride and Prejudice :) Only one thing could make this even more perfect. You. 

Thinking of you*

Time. It goes too quickly. It goes too slowly. Too little. Too much.

During these long summer days one would wish for them to stretch out before oneself with no end in its glorious sight, filled with happiness, contentment, warmth and joy...

Yet for me, I wish for the days to pass with haste, longing to see him, reunited with my best friend, my love. Every thing he writes to me stirs up a painful wanting, an aching heart, a wishing to be by his side, to hold his hand, to simply be there with him...

I have been keeping myself busy by:

1. Trying not to think about him - I fail every second of every single day (he is part of me).
2. Watching Pride and Prejudice (for possibly the hundredth time - never too many!) - may just be my favourite love story of all time* (which makes me think of him).
3. Mindless television - movies, series, reality shows... (trying not to think about him) while relaxing on the couch.
4. Lounging by the poolside, on a chaise, shading my eyes as I read a good book (romance, crime, murder mysteries, legal thrillers, anything - trying not to think of him!) or dangling my feet into the cool water, enjoying the calming waterfall flow.
5. Curling up with a soft, warm blanket as it rains so gently outside, the puppies at my feet vying for affection, letting music wash over me, pure laziness (and thinking - if only he were here...)
6. Attempting to cook and indulging in luxurious baking (thinking of how he loves to bake with me, teach me how to cook the most scrumptious, comfort foods, then grab me around the waist and waltz across the floor, twirling me round and round, dizzy with delight!)
7. Spending time with my family, laughing and laughing (but thinking that someone is missing...)

Please come home soon... for I am thinking of you always*

A grey Saturday

My alarm goes off. I slowly open my eyes. Muted rays of sunshine filter through the closed curtains. I open them, looking out at the dark blue ocean.

A quick, happy “Good morning” message appears on my computer screen and I smile – he is amazing*

I pull on a leotard and tights, pull my hair back and fill up my water bottle.

Laughing with the girls, giggling over tales from the past week, teasing our choreographer... dying at the barre, gliding in the turns, soaring in the jumps... a small sense of freedom and weightlessness.

He picks me up. We walk the dog together, holding hands on the beach, snatching a kiss as we walk around the vlei, our sneakers crunching the dirt beneath.

Then we make a late brunch together, his arms around my waist, eggs frying in the pan, buttering toast, stirring coffee cups, squeezing fresh orange juice. We sit outside, smelling the lavender, feeling the contentment.

A lazy afternoon, working side-by-side, napping on the couch – being cradled in his arms is pure bliss.

Maybe a movie tonight, or we will bake – and he will grab me and we will waltz around the kitchen, laughing and spinning, falling down and smiling, one body..

.

But today, on this grey Saturday, I am alone, missing him more than words can express... but next Saturday, next Saturday, we will dance and walk, cook and eat, work and sleep, just be together...