When the days drag but the week swiftly passes by. Time always seems to slip through our grasping fingers too quickly to collect or truly appreciate. The rushing, the busyness, the stress, the distance... it has been exhausting! A lightness, a sort of wearied relief, characterized my feelings as I walked briskly across campus after my last lecture of the week, winding my way under ice cold, grey skies, through the masses of students bustling from class to class or excitedly leaving for the weekend. Riding the bus and then the train, and walking home was wonderful, knowing that I have managed to stumble my way through yet another seven days - although the speed at which time is flying is a little bit terrifying!
On a day when you leave before sunrise and return home only after sunset, you are tired in every single way. It has been especially difficult with all the pressure of my varsity work and not being able to spend as much time with R to simply sit together and endlessly share our days. Sometimes all my anger and frustration builds up, waiting to come tumbling down at the first person to cross my path. Yes, I took it all out on my innocent, unsuspecting person. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of being able to attend a Biblical counselling course. It has shone light onto my dark heart. No one can blame their circumstances or experiences for their behaviour and actions, for all your circumstances and experiences do are trigger what is already inside your heart - your behaviour and actions towards a person or a situation is simply the overflowing of your heart. Just like a dead man cannot bring himself back to life, so you cannot change your sinful heart by yourself - you need to be rescued and set free. And I was reminded of that again and again this week.
I know that I always say this but I still cannot believe how incredibly wonderful and amazing my person is. After I was truly, wickedly horrible to him, fighting about nothing at all, creating problems that were none, he still just unconditionally loved me. He forgives in a heartbeat, he will not leave me, he is faithful and true, so loyal and caring. He understands and never fails to support and encourage me. It not only humbles me, bringing burning tears to my eyes and sheer shame at my words towards him, but he blows me away. He makes me see what love really is. It is limitless, healing, a refuge in times of great need. His sacrifice and selflessness always leave me striving to be more like Jesus and worthy of his love. His love is a reflection of the cross - the greatest act of love ever to be displayed! Just like R so graciously loves me when I do not deserve it in the slightest, so God loved us when we were unlovely. R reminds me of that every day.
I had some heart-to-heart conversations with my varsity friends this week. It is not often that we are so open and honest with each other. I was forced to remember a time when I held onto bitterness and rage. I did not want to forgive someone. I actually wanted revenge. For months I would not apologise. It ended that friendship, with much pain as we parted ways. When I think of how God forgave me, willingly died for me when I was His enemy, when I had rejected His rightful rule and turned my back on Him, my loving Creator... how dare I not forgive like He does? Looking back I realise how much hurt I could have avoided if I had admitted my faults and immaturity, and forgiven them. No it was not easy, but when I think on what God has so miraculously and indescribably done for me, my excuses and ungodly feelings are insignificant. Don't go to sleep tonight leaving any relationships broken - especially the one you have with your Saviour.
These whispered conversations while we worked also had me retelling parts of R and my life-changing, love story. Again I can only thank the Lord for His grace and patience, His good, good plan, in bringing and keeping us together. Someday soon I will retell it for you all :)
It doesn't cost you anything to be kind or polite. It is in the little things... like giving up your seat on the train for someone else, holding the library door open for the student coming in behind you, smiling at a stranger, greeting the security guard that you walk past every day, in hugging a friend who is heartbroken. I was astounded at how cruel some people could be in deliberately inflicting hurt on the sweetest girl I know. Watching her cry in class caused my throat to burn as I held back furious words at those who had crushed her. Being a friend doesn't necessarily mean fighting someone's battles, but perhaps rather just being there with her as she struggles through - a source of comfort, bringing soothing peace, but ultimately leading her to the One who loves her even more than she could ever imagine.
Well I have more work than I believe I can ever get through (this is when I stop depending on my feeble self and start praying!) but I keep R's forever love in the forefront of my mind, helping me grow, guiding me every step of the way... but more importantly - and always - living in the light of eternity! Remember what truly matters and what will endure... Happy weekend everyone :)
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