Not alone.

You are not alone.

Things I love about Raynard

(Just a few... or else you would be here forever!!)

1. His smile :)
2. The way he laughs.
3. How he sings in church, but doesn't pay attention and gets the lyrics wrong.
4. How he plays with the engagement ring on my finger.
5. His crushing hugs.
6. How he loves to read. And all the incredible authors he devours. Challenging and encouraging me. 
7. When he excitedly tells me of all that he is learning about in class and laughs when I get it all wrong. Or attempt to argue with him, just because. 
8. He makes the best chocolate chunk cookies. Actually he is a wonderful baker. (I am a little bit jealous!)
9. How he is "crunchy" reformed. But together we struggle through the questions and hot topics. We are growing!
10. He makes the ordinary, every day, magical.
11. His generosity, honesty and utter faithfulness.
12. He is truly selfless. 
13. The way he teases my sisters, bakes with them, talk to my mom, discusses theology with my dad, walks our dog, and how my family adores him. (Perfect!)
14. How he was the only one that would teach me to drive - and whenever I drive his car he tries so hard to not freak out and just prays like crazy. Still can't believe he gave me a set of my own keys for "our" car!
15. He spoils me with little treats all the time and lets me know that he is constantly thinking of me. He never stops saying "I love you" (and I never get tried of hearing it!)
16. He is open to adventures and is happy to try out new things with me.
17. He makes me breakfast and lunch every single day for varsity, before the sun has risen, and walks me to the train station - for almost two years now!!
18. He is still trying to teach me how to Sokkie.
19. He never complains. And reminds me to be thankful for all the rich blessings and provisions that God has given to us.
20. The way he holds me while we dance around the kitchen.
21. The way he is always calm and keeps my feet on level ground.
22. He loves the beach but hates the sand - like me.
23. He never seems to be afraid. Even when I am terrified. (He also kills spiders and creepy bugs for me without blinking an eye).
24. His perspective - helping me to refocus on what truly matters, what really lasts, what stretches into eternity and to live in that light.
25. His passion for the gospel and mission.
26. His love for apologetics.
27. He gives me the last piece of chocolate, scoop of ice-cream, sip of his hot chocolate. He shares when I am tempted to be greedy and keep it all for myself. 
28. Holding me accountable.
29. He does everything for God's glory.
30. He cooks, he cleans, he gardens, he does laundry, he is able to fix almost anything, it's every girl's dream!
31. The way he can fall asleep just like that. And almost every time we watch a movie.
32. Related: what his hair looks like when he wake up - it's adorable :)
33. His gentle care, knowing what I need when I don't even realize it, always making me feel better.
34. He makes the best toasted cheese sandwiches. And tea!
35. He is slow to get angry and quick to forgive.
36. His love is overwhelming, gracious, undeserved.
37. He loves food just as much as I do :D
38. He has turned me into a coffee addict.
39. How he is trying to convert me to love his favourite sports - cycling, cricket, rugby - but doesn't mind if I just don't get it, or would rather read a book.
40. His talent in taking the most spectacular, insightful photographs that tell a story
41. He put me first, thinks of my best interests constantly, always has a plan, provides for me, makes provision for the future, works so incredibly hard to make it all possible.
42. He makes me feel beautiful, especially when I feel anything but.
43. We dream together. Who could think of anything more amazing than being able to spend the rest of your life with your best friend?!
44. He makes me feel safe.
45. His prayers.
46. Whenever I get angry he just smiles and starts laughing, making me more angry, until I realise how ridiculous I am being and start laughing too :)
47. His sense of humour.
48. His perseverance. He never gives up on me. 
49. His support and strength. 
50. I never realised it would be like this - fully vulnerable before someone, yet fully trusted and accepted by them, loved unconditionally by them, despite your faults. It is wondrous! He has showed me what real love is. Like the love God has shown us in His Son Jesus. 

Happy Anniversary Raynard! Here is to forever.

Before the storm

Ahhh... I have had such an incredible long weekend with Ray (You make me so SO HAPPY!!) I never cease to be amazed and grateful for who he is and all that he does. 

My week ended with Ray picking me up from the train station with a chocolate in his hand, rain pouring down (the umbrella not helping in the slightest), ready to snuggle down for the weekend. Time has passed filled with  indulging in hours of much needed sleep (sigh of pleasure), watching movies, writing down a list of books that I want to read when the holidays come around again and somehow attempting to study. 

My mother is away visiting family in Namibia and after less than one day already we were eating ice-cream for dinner (and it hasn't stopped!) We love going shopping with my dad - he ends up buying a million unnecessary, yet very yummy, treats. I can only laugh at the plan we all have come up with - deciding what we will eat on what day. So far it is basically eating out or ordering in food for the next two weeks - half price sushi on this day, then two-for-one burger special on that day, but what about getting fish and chips from the harbour, or takeaways from our favourite Indian restaurant, and how could we have forgotten about pizza? (I think that I may start missing fresh fruit and vegetables after a few days...) 

Nao, our dog, runs down the stairs and waits expectantly, tag wagging and ears up, every time she hears the gate open, thinking that mom is home again - it is really sweet but sad (we miss her too puppy!)

Sunday, the wind blew and an icy rain fell, with the fabric of our temporary church tent billowing about, pulling against its constraints (it has been quite an experience these past weeks!) Holding Ray's hand singing "Hallelujah! All I have is Christ. Hallelujah! Jesus is my life..." brought everything back to its rightful perspective, remembering what brings everlasting joy.  

Ray and I enjoyed Heritage day by going for a walk down passed the beach to the lower Silvermine wetland. The thick clouds along the horizon melted into the ocean, both shades of grey, the cool and crisp breezes causing the petals of the flowers to close. Over the wooden walkways we went, alongside the swollen streams, talking about the future like we always do, working through the fears and uncertainties together, coming out reassured and at peace. There is no greater comfort in life than knowing that God has a plan, it is good and right, and whatever happens is in His hands! He has blessed us so greatly so far that all we can do is humbly trust in Him and give Him thanks. 

Like all good South Africans we had a braai (barbecue) today :) Finishing off the afternoon with ice-cream sundaes and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies as the weather warmed.  

I am thankful for brief moments like these, because looking ahead, counting the days till exams and Ray's graduation (with all the tests and assignments inbetween!) time is flying, and we always wonder how we will get through... yet somehow, we suddenly look back, and realise that we have made it through the storm. I do know, though, that I would never have made it through these last years without my King, my family and my phenomenal fiancé!! 

These sunshine days

This sunny week has been one of...

Rest - taking lazy Sunday afternoon naps, sleeping late and waking up to risen sun's rays streaming through my curtains.

Family - a birthday tradition is that us "children" request our favourite meal and our mom will make it for us (and every year I ask for the same thing: Lasange!) We laughed around the table, everyone talking at once, sipped something sparkling and stuffed ourselves with black forest sponge cake with cream and cherries, ice-cream and homemade chocolate sauce, Ray and I sharing bowl, with me sneaking in extra spoonfuls.

Blue skies :)

Sunrises and cool sea breezes - while waiting at the Kalk-Bay harbour train station. 

Wedding dress shopping with my best friend - love, listening to the stories shared, eyes misting with tears at her glowing beauty, the excitement, joy and memories made. There were Ooooh's and Ahhhh's and feet dreamily floating above the ground, trailing silk, organza, chiffon, satin, lace, beads and ribbons. White hot chocolate, toffee coffee and chocolate cookie milkshakes with chocolate marshmallow, coffee and walnut cake ended off our romantic adventure.

No dancing - after a show we always take a break. 

Walks in the sunshine - Ray taking me back to the "our place" where he proposed. Every day, over the wooden walkways, enjoying the rush of the water and the brightly coloured flowers (they are in full bloom!), so peaceful and refreshing. The ocean behind us and the mountain before us, in awe of God's creation. For us it is a time to escape from work and just talk and talk and talk some more. We love it!

Tea and chatting with friends over sweet treats at Tribeca in Kalk-Bay - dreaming of the future.

Holding your hand and singing next to you in church - happy. 

Breakfasts with my fiance - from french toast to eggs on toast with fried tomatoes, our favourite meal of the day :)

Work and pounding headaches at one in the morning - there has been no working ahead but rather only catching up on all that I let slip the last few weeks of the term with all the wonderful things that happened. I always say, "The more I do today the less I have to do tomorrow..." although it never seems to work out that way! My rule is I have to finish what I planned to do, or have to accomplish for that day - which leads to very late nights/very early mornings. I am extremely nervous for the upcoming semester, with exams just weeks away, but trusting in God.

Reading old fashion magazines while taking a steaming hot bath using all my birthday treats of delicious smelling salts and scrubs. 

AHHH!! - My beautiful engagement ring!!! (Yes, I still get these moments of awestruck disbelief).

Smiles - at being able to spend every day this week at home, seeing Ray between his classes, quick cups of coffee, sitting outside listening to the birds sing, prayers before bed, studying side by side.

Falling more deeply in love. 

Stolen moments of pure procrastination - something as simple as watching a movie with Ray (we never have the time!) while eating yummy gummies and chocolate, snuggled in blankets on the couch, pure bliss :) 

Day dreaming - while I should really be studying. (Hasn't been much of a "vacation").

Thankfulness and amazement at God's goodness - still overwhelmed at the love and support of family and friends, for their wishes and heartfelt messages, for God in sustaining us through these hectic times, carrying us through to the end... In Ray's kindness, generosity, faithfulness and sacrifice leaving me speechless day after day... He is amazing, always putting me first, in making plans for the future, preparing us for what comes after the wedding, making provision, being a godly and mature man, looking after us, making me feel safe and secure... I can only thank God for His grace and blessing in giving me Ray. 

Reading through my new children's Bible - loving it! (I would like to start collecting good children Bibles - one can never grow tired of reading the incredible and true stories of the Bible, learn solid doctrine, understand how each story points to the coming Saviour Jesus, how the world needs to be saved and how God has had a loving plan and promise from the very beginning!)

Perspective.

Well I'm off to enjoy my final days of mid-semester vacation, appreciating Ray and squeezing some sleep, between studying, in! Happy weekend :)

A secret fear

It is a beautiful day. The sun is glimmering on the deep blue ocean. After my first dance staging rehearsal I am gasping for breath! Staging today consisted of raw feet, slipping on the slick stage, coughing and blowing my nose in between takes, getting blinded by the lights, and performing my heart out... (There is something magical about performing!) I am pushing myself to get better by drinking lots of tea, eating fresh, farm bread with homemade berry jam from the local Noordhoek farm village and trying to snuggle in bed for as long as possible. Which, while would be wonderful, is not possible with all my looming tests and assignments.

Late at night, in its quietness, my thoughts often drift. I love working. And I work very hard. All the time, every spare moment, into sheer exhaustion, endless hour upon hour upon hour... 

I understand that there must be a balance, but when I have to do so much work and struggle to do what is necessary, I barely have time to sleep, let alone relax or enjoy friendships. I cannot understand how my friends do it all... It is hurtful having to say no all the time, to turn down invitations because I am so incredibly busy. It has come to the point where my friends no longer ask me to join them because they know I won't be able to come. That is painful. Heartbreaking. 

When I am away from R at varsity, I feel lonely. It is then that I doubt. But when I come home and see R waiting at the train station for me, the world is put back on its axis.  

We all have to make sacrifices for what is truly important. I know that I have different priorities to my friends, that all that I do is in preparation for the future, planning for the life I will share with R. We have both been working together for this. They don't have that sort of perspective or path to travel. Varsity for me isn't about having a good time, but about working to the best of my abilities for God's glory and to make our dreams possible. I am terrified though, that I am sacrificing my friends and missing out on incredible memories... My parents met each other at varsity and made their lifelong friends at UCT. For me it has been different. Varsity is just a passing experience, a time to learn and grow, but it is not forever. I love studying, and am making the most of my time there, but am working for a purpose, going in a certain direction. 

It is the being left out that is difficult. I even have to make compromises to spend real quality time with R... and he is a million times more important than anything else. Our future is not vague, we are making plans and God is opening the doors. I cannot work any less (is there really such a thing as over-achieving?) but I fear that one day in the future, when we have achieved these goals, we won't have any friends left to share it all with... But if all I ever had was R (and our God) it would be more than enough. So while I question,  I know that my feet are on solid ground. That is an everlasting comfort.  

Thoughts on creation versus evolution

"God is; if He were not, nothing could be."

{Sibbes}

I have found myself becoming very frustrated this week in my Human Physiology lectures. I have had the privilege of having one of the greatest scientists in South Africa, and a worldwide leader in sports science, teach me. 

Here is a quote from his first lecture: "We somehow evolved... We have no idea how... We can't understand it... We somehow learned... We don't know..." (Sigh, how disappointing to hear an "expert" speak like that...) I would prefer science and not unsubstantiated human speculation please. He will often say, "It is so incredibly designed!" but won't give credit to a Designer. He will make ridiculous, completely unscientific statements... if you say we "somehow evolved to get an intelligent brain" without being able to give the slightest explanation as to how, then he has no basis in saying what he says at all! 

Science is empirical. It is based on observations. (And observations do change! My professors constantly tell us how science has changed over the decades, how we discover more or disprove what they thought to be correct - there is not constancy or absolute truths, there is no solid foundation!) When he teaches us real science, based on actual, observable, repeatable research,  he is brilliant. But as soon as he begins to make up stories about human origins I become angry. (It is not as though he as literally observed any of it!) How can he say we evolved from apes yet cannot explain what processes allowed this to happen - how did the molecules happen to know where to go in deleting nucleotides from genomic code, how did these amazing genes just happen to randomly form in the right place, how did the vitally needed proteins also come into existance to express these new genes, how did the biochemical environment of the body tolerate or allow such harmful "mistakes" to occur, how did the physiology adapt to cope with these new conditions and abilities - there are literally an infinite amount of factors to include in explaining his "facts" which he totally ignores, or just unthinkingly accepts. A good scientist is one who asks the right questions, who looks for the right explanation, who considers the millions of contributing consequences... He will just say, "I have absolutely no idea!" (And I agree!) He tries to put a roof on a building that has no walls. 

Evolution creates questions, questions that only the Bible can answer, for God is the Creator! It is so (mindblowingly) simple: the body works so perfectly, its systems intricately and beautifully integrating, working together as a whole is because He made it exactly so. I cannot even begin to describe the details of marvels and wonder of how the human body works: from the very structure of the atom, the forces holding it all together, its almost magical, constant, instrinsic properties, forming the building blocks of life, forming molecules that make everything we see around us on a microscopic scale... 

I believe that God created the world. It says that God spoke and all of the universe came into being. It was good. And humans were VERY good! It may not explain how He flung the stars into space or hung the sun and moon in the sky, but the Bible (which any unbiased historian will tell you is infallible) tells me that He did it, and I believe it! There will always be mystery, for we are finite beings trying to understand the Infinite! Do I believe that a mighty, all-powerful, sovereignly upholding, sustainer, creative genius, designer God make it all? Yes. Of course. 

What further frustrates me is that evolution is a naturalistic/materialistic worldview, and yet the believer (yes, evolution is a faith) fails to take their view to its completion.  If you believe in evolution then what you are saying is that you are a random, directionless, pointless accident. You are not special, you are not unique, you do not matter, you have no worth, you have no purpose and your life has no meaning. If evolution had to happen again then you would not be here. You are no more important than dirt - you came from it. (And please don't even get me started on the "Big Bang" and the impossibilities of the chemical evolution - how can everything come from nothing?)

In a world where every one is searching for purpose, for acceptance, for love, for a meaningful existence, it is unfathomable to say that you are the pointless result of a random accident. You were created. You were created for a purpose. You were created for a reason. You were created in God's glorious image, for His glory, for His enjoyment. He created you for a loving relationship with Him. That is why you long for more. That is why you crave belonging, for you are lost! You can only find lasting fulfilment in Christ Jesus, in being a part of your Maker's family, in living forever in His awe-striking presence, praising Him for all of eternity. Without God you have nothing. Without Him you are nothing. 

Imagine looking at the Mona Lisa and saying, "It is an accident, the paint just happened to fall exactly where it fell onto the canvas, resulting in this breath-taking picture." That is ludicrous! And how do you think Leonardo da Vinci would feel hearing that about his masterpiece and not receiving the rightful credit he is due? Looking at the spectacular, indescribable awesomeness of creation and attributing it all (including astounding you!) to evolution instead of to God is unfathomable. 

I have realised, though, that getting upset about evolution is like getting angry at asking a blind man to describe a rainbow - he cannot see! In the same way, my professor is blind. But I pray that one day, by God's grace, he will see the life-changing truth. 

Reflecting on my week

When the days drag but the week swiftly passes by. Time always seems to slip through our grasping fingers too quickly to collect or truly appreciate. The rushing, the busyness, the stress, the distance... it has been exhausting! A lightness, a sort of wearied relief, characterized my feelings as I walked briskly across campus after my last lecture of the week, winding my way under ice cold, grey skies, through the masses of students bustling from class to class or excitedly leaving for the weekend. Riding the bus and then the train, and walking home was wonderful, knowing that I have managed to stumble my way through yet another seven days - although the speed at which time is flying is a little bit terrifying!

On a day when you leave before sunrise and return home only after sunset, you are tired in every single way. It has been especially difficult with all the pressure of my varsity work and not being able to spend as much time with R to simply sit together and endlessly share our days. Sometimes all my anger and frustration builds up, waiting to come tumbling down at the first person to cross my path. Yes, I took it all out on my innocent, unsuspecting person. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of being able to attend a Biblical counselling course. It has shone light onto my dark heart. No one can blame their circumstances or experiences for their behaviour and actions, for all your circumstances and experiences do are trigger what is already inside your heart - your behaviour and actions towards a person or a situation is simply the overflowing of your heart. Just like a dead man cannot bring himself back to life, so you cannot change your sinful heart by yourself - you need to be rescued and set free. And I was reminded of that again and again this week. 

 I know that I always say this but I still cannot believe how incredibly wonderful and amazing my person is. After I was truly, wickedly horrible to him, fighting about nothing at all, creating problems that were none, he still just unconditionally loved me. He forgives in a heartbeat, he will not leave me, he is faithful and true, so loyal and caring. He understands and never fails to support and encourage me. It not only humbles me, bringing burning tears to my eyes and sheer shame at my words towards him, but he blows me away. He makes me see what love really is. It is limitless, healing, a refuge in times of great need. His sacrifice and selflessness always leave me striving to be more like Jesus and worthy of his love. His love is a reflection of the cross - the greatest act of love ever to be displayed! Just like R so graciously loves me when I do not deserve it in the slightest, so God loved us when we were unlovely. R reminds me of that every day. 

I had some heart-to-heart conversations with my varsity friends this week. It is not often that we are so open and honest with each other. I was forced to remember a time when I held onto bitterness and rage. I did not want to forgive someone. I actually wanted revenge. For months I would not apologise. It ended that friendship, with much pain as we parted ways. When I think of how God forgave me, willingly died for me when I was His enemy, when I had rejected His rightful rule and turned my back on Him, my loving Creator... how dare I not forgive like He does? Looking back I realise how much hurt I could have avoided if I had admitted my faults and immaturity, and forgiven them. No it was not easy, but when I think on what God has so miraculously and indescribably done for me, my excuses and ungodly feelings are insignificant. Don't go to sleep tonight leaving any relationships broken - especially the one you have with your Saviour. 

These whispered conversations while we worked also had me retelling parts of R and my life-changing, love story. Again I can only thank the Lord for His grace and patience, His good, good plan, in bringing and keeping us together. Someday soon I will retell it for you all :)

It doesn't cost you anything to be kind or polite. It is in the little things... like giving up your seat on the train for someone else, holding the library door open for the student coming in behind you, smiling at a stranger, greeting the security guard that you walk past every day, in hugging a friend who is heartbroken. I was astounded at how cruel some people could be in deliberately inflicting hurt on the sweetest girl I know. Watching her cry in class caused my throat to burn as I held back furious words at those who had crushed her. Being a friend doesn't necessarily mean fighting someone's battles, but perhaps rather just being there with her as she struggles through - a source of comfort, bringing soothing peace, but ultimately leading her to the One who loves her even more than she could ever imagine.  

Well I have more work than I believe I can ever get through (this is when I stop depending on my feeble self and start praying!) but I keep R's forever love in the forefront of my mind, helping me grow, guiding me every step of the way... but more importantly - and always - living in the light of eternity! Remember what truly matters and what will endure... Happy weekend everyone :) 

All you need is a cup of tea

Some days are just longer and harder than others. They begin wonderfully - a calm, cool morning, happy hello's, running into your friends, students smiling around campus (it had to be because of the sunshine!), laughing in Human Physiology at your professors stories, eating M&M's in Genetics and Biochemistry finishing early. But then everything seems to collapse around you at the same time - from a nightmare practical, to blinking back tired tears of frustration, feeling replaced and discarded, wanting nothing more than to just get home and not have to endure train delay after delay, trudging back in the dark with only a tower of work waiting that was meant to be done yesterday.

Just as I was ready to give up I glanced out of the window. It took my breath away. Pearly, pink skies reflecting on the tranquil ocean. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the bigger picture, of who is in control of it all, of who's purposes for me are perfect!

Yes, I cried when I got home (mostly in relief to finally have the day end) but it was cleansing, a release of exhaustion. And of course he held me and spoke such truth with love into all that I had been struggling with. His gentle care, his comforting wisdom, his understanding, his encouragement and support were just what I needed. He brought back perspective. He always reminds me of what is truly important and to keep my gaze on eternity.

A steaming bath, warm pyjama's, tea (of course), and chocolate after this long and hard day have also helped a smidgen :) 

Star of the Morning

Hours away from writing my final exam but I have this song playing through my mind...  

Beautiful Saviour
Wonderful Counsellor
clothed in majesty
Lord of history
You're the Way
the Truth
the Life 

Star of the Morning
glorious in holiness
You're the Risen One
Heaven's champion
and You reign
You reign
over all.

Comfort. Hope. Perspective. Goodnight* 

Purpose and Perspective

As the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve I read these verses: 

"Behold, I am coming soon! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy in this book"... Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who does right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy." "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. "I, Jesus... am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."... The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.

 {Revelation 22}

This should be ever present in out minds, shaping all of life's purpose and perspective... living in the light of eternity... "Come Lord Jesus" COME!