A weekend with you

My weekend spent with Ray by my side meant: sitting in the glorious sunshine eating ice-cream, dreaming about Summer and lazy days spent at the beach, early mornings at church, in awe of God's indescribable forgiveness, working across from each other, you distracting me, tickling my feet, discussing your assignments with me, fascinated and amazed by who you have become, naps on the couch, baking lemon poppy seed cake, driving with the windows wide open, warm breezes filtering through, trying not to stress for my tests, dancing to Matthew Mole, family Sunday lunch spent under the blazing sun, wearing flip flops, laughing while the ice cubes in our glasses melt, discussing wedding plans,  playing with the dog, prayers for strength and focus, making plans, counting the days till graduation... busy times lie ahead, the end of the year, with all its challenges and adventures, rushing upon us whether we are ready or not, wondering if we will make it, but depending not on ourselves... 

Salvation is here.

"Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here."

 {Dare you to move - Switchfoot}

Reflecting on my week

When the days drag but the week swiftly passes by. Time always seems to slip through our grasping fingers too quickly to collect or truly appreciate. The rushing, the busyness, the stress, the distance... it has been exhausting! A lightness, a sort of wearied relief, characterized my feelings as I walked briskly across campus after my last lecture of the week, winding my way under ice cold, grey skies, through the masses of students bustling from class to class or excitedly leaving for the weekend. Riding the bus and then the train, and walking home was wonderful, knowing that I have managed to stumble my way through yet another seven days - although the speed at which time is flying is a little bit terrifying!

On a day when you leave before sunrise and return home only after sunset, you are tired in every single way. It has been especially difficult with all the pressure of my varsity work and not being able to spend as much time with R to simply sit together and endlessly share our days. Sometimes all my anger and frustration builds up, waiting to come tumbling down at the first person to cross my path. Yes, I took it all out on my innocent, unsuspecting person. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of being able to attend a Biblical counselling course. It has shone light onto my dark heart. No one can blame their circumstances or experiences for their behaviour and actions, for all your circumstances and experiences do are trigger what is already inside your heart - your behaviour and actions towards a person or a situation is simply the overflowing of your heart. Just like a dead man cannot bring himself back to life, so you cannot change your sinful heart by yourself - you need to be rescued and set free. And I was reminded of that again and again this week. 

 I know that I always say this but I still cannot believe how incredibly wonderful and amazing my person is. After I was truly, wickedly horrible to him, fighting about nothing at all, creating problems that were none, he still just unconditionally loved me. He forgives in a heartbeat, he will not leave me, he is faithful and true, so loyal and caring. He understands and never fails to support and encourage me. It not only humbles me, bringing burning tears to my eyes and sheer shame at my words towards him, but he blows me away. He makes me see what love really is. It is limitless, healing, a refuge in times of great need. His sacrifice and selflessness always leave me striving to be more like Jesus and worthy of his love. His love is a reflection of the cross - the greatest act of love ever to be displayed! Just like R so graciously loves me when I do not deserve it in the slightest, so God loved us when we were unlovely. R reminds me of that every day. 

I had some heart-to-heart conversations with my varsity friends this week. It is not often that we are so open and honest with each other. I was forced to remember a time when I held onto bitterness and rage. I did not want to forgive someone. I actually wanted revenge. For months I would not apologise. It ended that friendship, with much pain as we parted ways. When I think of how God forgave me, willingly died for me when I was His enemy, when I had rejected His rightful rule and turned my back on Him, my loving Creator... how dare I not forgive like He does? Looking back I realise how much hurt I could have avoided if I had admitted my faults and immaturity, and forgiven them. No it was not easy, but when I think on what God has so miraculously and indescribably done for me, my excuses and ungodly feelings are insignificant. Don't go to sleep tonight leaving any relationships broken - especially the one you have with your Saviour. 

These whispered conversations while we worked also had me retelling parts of R and my life-changing, love story. Again I can only thank the Lord for His grace and patience, His good, good plan, in bringing and keeping us together. Someday soon I will retell it for you all :)

It doesn't cost you anything to be kind or polite. It is in the little things... like giving up your seat on the train for someone else, holding the library door open for the student coming in behind you, smiling at a stranger, greeting the security guard that you walk past every day, in hugging a friend who is heartbroken. I was astounded at how cruel some people could be in deliberately inflicting hurt on the sweetest girl I know. Watching her cry in class caused my throat to burn as I held back furious words at those who had crushed her. Being a friend doesn't necessarily mean fighting someone's battles, but perhaps rather just being there with her as she struggles through - a source of comfort, bringing soothing peace, but ultimately leading her to the One who loves her even more than she could ever imagine.  

Well I have more work than I believe I can ever get through (this is when I stop depending on my feeble self and start praying!) but I keep R's forever love in the forefront of my mind, helping me grow, guiding me every step of the way... but more importantly - and always - living in the light of eternity! Remember what truly matters and what will endure... Happy weekend everyone :) 

True rest.

" The heart of man is restless until it finds its rest in Thee."

{Saint Augustine} 

Sometimes I find myself living in a world of wishful thinking. I am consumed with "What if..." or "If only..." or "When that finally happens..."

It is an existence of longing, of waiting, of searching, of daydreaming, of discontentment (if I am being brutally honest). The reason for this is because I have taken God's place in my life, I am the centre of my universe, motivated by pride and man's praise, of finding pleasure in fleeting material possessions, or empty idolatry. I want to please myself instead of being fully satisfied in the cross of Christ or finding my true fulfilment in God's will for my life.

My story is not actually my story but God's - He wrote it, He is the lead character, I am humbled at the privilege of just being able to step onto the same stage...

Our purpose is life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. I am humbled again and again to ask for God's gracious forgiveness, to turn from self toward God, to prioritize the Kingdom, to be saturated in my living, my breathing, my thinking with the Gospel as a child of God, to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus being freed by the innocent blood He shed for me, to live in the light of eternity! 

Lord, may I find my rest alone in You. 

the moon*

“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” 

{E.E. Cummings}

Tonight we stared up at a full honey moon, large, hanging heavy in the midnight blue sky. Its soft, cold light reflecting on the ink ocean, wavering, almost dipping into its dark waters. A distant beauty, yet for just a moment almost within reach. I stretch out my hand... and feel you right there next to me. Once again I am in awe of you and your unconditional love. You will never leave me nor forsake me. You are constant, your love secure. I do not deserve it.... I fail you (I am sorry) and yet you love me still, for that I am eternally (indescribably) humbled. You are my treasure, you are precious to me, your worth is beyond measure and I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to show just how much you mean to me... I love you. Thank-you will never be enough.

relationships.

Relationships. I have learned a lot. Been pulled and pushed beyond belief. I have been challenged me to my very core. I have been melted down and remoulded. I have been cut and burned. It has hurt. I have been broken. It has been wonderful. It has changed me. And it has been the most amazing time of my life.

Relationships. Sharing my life with you. My every day fairytale come to life. A wonder. A dream. My greatest joy, privilege and pleasure. 

But. It has also been the most sorrowful, heart breaking, devastating, shattering experience for me. 

Relationships are hard, hard work. They are messy and confusing. They are full of misunderstandings. But without all of this they would be pointless. Here are a few things that I have learned from the past two (the BEST two!) years of my life:

(This may not be the most exciting post, but hopefully, at least a little bit, insightful!)

Your person is your best friend. Fullstop. They are the one with whom you are desperate to spend every waking moment. With them life is easy, light-hearted, fun, carefree - simply enjoy spending time together! They make you laugh, they smile and you know what they are thinking, they understand, you can just sit in silence for hours and be content. Those special, romantic evenings are lovely, but they are not everyday life. It is about really knowing your person even better than they know themselves (really!) Your person should make you feel safe and secure, precious and beautiful, totally comfortable - even when you are just sitting on the couch, no makeup, hair a mess, in your worn, old pjs watching your favourite series. You should be able to do nothing with your person and be happy. I think that every lasting relationship is built firstly on the solid foundation of friendship.

Without constant, honest COMMUNICATION your relationship is dead. How often have fights happened because we misheard something, or did not get the full picture? (And you will fight - often!) You have to speak to each other - all the time! About the tiny things as much as the huge things. Being genuinely interesting in what happened in their day, taking the time to know and care about the people in their life, their hopes, their dreams, their heartaches, their stresses, their fears... It is important to share your heart with your person... but this is terrifying! Yes, you will be vulnerable... dependent on them - but that is true intimacy, two hearts joined into one, needing that person like you have never needed another human being before. This can only be based on trust. There may be no doubts, no lies, no half-heartedness. You are meant to support, encourage, admonish, grow each other. When you fall down they pick you up, when you are broken they put you back together. Love must overflow - and with it grace and much forgiveness. But with talking also comes LISTENING! You are walking this road of life together, hand-in-hand. 

It is truly the little things: making them a cup of coffee while they're studying, a hand written note, buying their favourite chocolate, texting a Bible verse they had just read that struck them, holding hands as you go for a walk with the dog, letting them choose the music in the car, a quick "just because I'm thinking of you" phonecall, giving them a hug after a long day, praying with you every evening before they say goodnight, saying "I love you" at every possible moment... there are a million moments in the day where you can make your person feel special and show them that you care. It can honestly make their day. Appreciate them and say THANK-YOU! 

In perfect symmetry, you should be able to let the (annoying) little things go: don't fight over something, that in all honestly, is not important (speaking to myself). Don't get irate about the silly things that don't matter. It will save you much time, energy and immature, angry tears. (Said as politely as possible: grow-up!)

On a more serious note: a relationship must have a purpose. It must be INTENTIONAL. You must both know where you are going and why - and you should both want to go there! It does not matter how much you may like, or even love, that person. It does not matter how much fun you have together. It does not even matter if you want to get to know the person better. It is about preparing for a serious, committed, faithful, Christ-honouring (and Lord willing!) LIFELONG relationship. Yes. Marriage. Or else what is the point? Sharing your life, your heart, your deepest being with another person... just because you "like them", "have fun together", "want to get to know them"? That sounds rather selfish and immature. Relationships are SERIOUS. Make sure that you are both willing to take the risk... or be patient, pray, wait, just be friends (I said it!), so as to possibly avoid future heartbreak. Is a fling really worth all the tears? All the pain? (But yes, I know, it may take a few tries until you find THE ONE... but please guard your heart, please...) 

Most importantly: You are a team - you have to be! It is not about you. And even though you will have to SACRIFICE much, putting the other person before yourself, giving, giving and giving some more, it is not even about them. It is all about God. Together you are a WITNESS - the gospel personified. God should be at the centre. He is what should hold you together. He will never let you down - His love will NEVER FAIL. He displays the perfect example of love, of forgiveness, of grace, of holiness, of purity, of sacrifice. The purpose of any and ALL relationships is sanctification - to be made more like Christ. (Fullstop.) And ultimately to GLORIFY GOD.