When I fail as a friend

Friendship.

So much bound up into one word. Hope, dreams, memories, joy, comfort, encouragement, safety, support, loneliness blown away, laughter, love...

This week my person has been away. While I may seem ridiculous for the insanity I have felt while he has been away, it is also reasonable (from my point of view of course!) His absence has left a gargantuan void... a painful aching, a desperate longing, an aimless drifting, a deep, deep hurt.

It is as though my foundation has been ripped out from underneath my feet, I am floundering, falling...
When he is with me it is so much easier to love. To care. To help. But now with my lack of strength, his love to feed me, I am so hungry that I have felt as though I cannot feed anyone else.

My friends have been exhausting. They are hurt. And my sudden rudeness, even abandonment, has them bewildered. When I have no energy how can I let them drain me dry? Why do I have to be the strong one? Always there for them, giving, giving, giving even when I don't have anything left to give... I am empty.

But then I remember what true friendship is - self sacrifice, selflessness, self giving - especially when it seems impossible and life is more difficult than you could ever imagine. To love and keep on loving. Even when you are sore and tired. Standing firm. Helping them up. There for them when they need it the most. For one day, they will be there to stand with me, to help me up...